But....what about the fact that he has his own apartment, his freedom and then his wife available to him everytime he summons me?
Brita, I think you are doing great with this situation! Your instincts are all working A/OK. What you did here with H in this phone call was a bit of negotiation. You maintained the friendliness and respect in the relationship but you also let him know you have a life and that you will not be always at his beck and call. Just keep on keeping on. Know what you want and steadily work towards that using DB techniques.
Also, you could turn your attention towards using whatever exists in the present situation to your own advantage and pleasure. That H has his own apartment seems to be s source of misery and discomfort to you. And probably a big part of this misery comes from general societal expectations about how married people should live -- ie. together! -- and general societal ideas that separation is an unmitigated bad/negative thing leading inevitably to divorce. But Brita, this really is not a one-size-fits-all situation/problem/solution. Where there are dependent children of the marriage there is not so much leeway for some creative thought or plan. I can't see LBS with small children to be raised having much more on their minds than a speedy return of WS. But for people without children, and where there is no financial dependence/constriction, there is nothing but pure relationship between LBS and WS, and that relationship can be carried on in all kinds of venues over a long period of time if both are comfortable. In my case, I had an early interest in H's 'bachelor pad' in town. I thought it would be fun and exciting, re-vitalizing for our marriage to have a second courtship played out in 'the country house' (mine) and 'the city house' (his). H cottoned on to that idea, he refers to our set-up as 'town-and-country'. We're having a good time with this. OTOH, don't get me wrong that this is nothing but pleasure -- in my sitch there was a yearlong EMA, now finished with xOW 2000 miles away with another man, so there is plenty, plenty of emotional fall-out from that to be resolved before I would even consider having H back to live with me. If you read some of the stories on the Piecing Forum you'll soon realize how much LBS angst there is after WS returns home. It is another whole journey for LBS to resolve feelings around betrayal/abandonment -- this is what I'm going through right now, and frankly, I'd much rather do this while H is not here in the house living with me, I don't know if our relationship could take it. So remember, Brita, there are some advantages in the separation. It's a matter of perception, of seeing your glass half-full instead of half-empty.
