All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Evie]

Well back off my holiday and in the end I didn't have to worry about contacting H as my phone just wouldn't work, despite H's best attempts at calling the network. At first I felt as if i'd lost my right arm and then by Tuesday I just thought, what will be will be and actually it was good not to receive txts from h all the time, and of course he had no idea what we were doing as he couldn't check up (not that I misbehaved in any way, but a bit of mystery never hurt!!!). I borrowed a phone to call the boys every day when they got in from school, I couldn't not talk to them. Missed them like hell.

D1 was fab and happy, she's lost a few lbs from the skiing and constantly being active. It was great to see her and i cried like a baby when we left her again on Saturday.

Now i'm in a place I can't describe, I can't understand how or what I feel right now and i know I'm not good at explaining. I can't even write in my diary b/c I don't know where to begin.

I did and didn't miss H on holiday. I missed him b/c it was a place where we have spent a few happy family holidays, so it bought back a lot of mememories, I got very low by about Thursday, so low in fact that I wondered if anybody would actually miss me if I departed this world (sorry thats the way I felt), I was sharing this chalet with 3 other couples, who seemed very happy and who shared child responsibiliies together, sat and ate together and I just thought to myself 'we've never been like that', it made me very emotional.

But then I didn't miss him b/c I didn't feel any pressure to please or to be anything other than myself and I wasn't trying to cope with the boys on my own and getting angry with H b/c he was asleep and avoiding been with me. I was free to just be.

Then we arrived home, I was nervous, I didn't know what to expect from h. H stayed for a couple of hours and looked at the photos and listened to what we had to say, then he left for his own place. It was a good interaction, he seemed interested, asked loads, but he gave nothing away emtionally.

He never slept in our bed while he was here looking after the boys, he had shared the bunk beds with S2, but he had used the en-suite? Whats that all about? P****s me off, is it me or is it pathetic? Why wouldn't he sleep in the bed?

Then on Sunday, I woke up and thought, sod this, why am I bothering? (sorry bad DB!), I thought why should I have to put on this happy, positive face? If I can't have h as a Husband I don't want him as a friend either. I don't want him popping in and out of the house when it suits him and I don't want to be his friend b/c thats what he wants. I know i'm angry, hurt, rejected blah blah blah

Before I went away, I was planning to buy H a valentine card, now I don't think I will? You all know I've been keen to go out to dinner with H, but now i'm not? I'm fed up with his fussing, txts, emails, it's just out of guilt.

Then yesterday I saw H's friend, Kevin and he asked me if I'd met anyone else as I was always out? I said 'no, the boys and I don't need any more complications in ours lifes. I told him I was shocked he'd even think such a thing. He said well you are out a lot? I'm gobsmacked, this is a guy who last Oct i was crying too, telling him I didn't want to seperate. Makes me wonder what H and he have been discussing & thinking?

Then last night receive txt off H that said, 'although he hasn't spent much time with me since I'd got back, he thought I would have enjoyed the break without the boys, but I didn't seem happy at all? That was his observation' - so he saw a chink through my armour? I replied a couple of hours later and said I was a bit down, nothing to do with the boys, thanks for asking.

Why is he analysing me? or even asking me the question. If he'd thought rationally then perhaps he would have realised that I'd just left D1 again, maybe had a bit of post holiday blues and I was facing a 6 hr day at work ahead of me.!!

Sorry it's long, but I have been away for a week.

Look forward to hearing from you all.

Love E xx