In 2006 I bought her a Prius hybrid. We were 'back together' and the minivan was getting 'tired' and at the time I had no reason to believe business was going to be 'ok'.
Well, if she's leaving then I sure don't want to be paying the car payment any more. I can tell her she has to pay it but that's not in her 'budget' - $400 is a lot of money.
Since I don't want it, we'd have to sell it of course. She can have the minivan, it's paid for, I'll use the leftover money from selling the Prius to get a cheap small car.
I'm not really sure if I should bring this up now, or wait another month and see where we're at. I want to 'tell her this now' so she has to face 'reality' but in my current mental state I'm not sure if it's just me wanting to 'punish' her.
So, we're home and she's upstairs in the Bedroom and turns on the stereo and says she's going to 'do some cleaning'. She then starts 'sashaying' around with the music as she picks up stuff. I'm watching because I happen to be there. She see's me watching and gives me a smile.
So, I go an fix a chair in our room and while I'm doing that she takes off her skirt to put on some jeans so she can clean better. She stands on the other side of the room with her back to me and turns around to look at me and I say "Hey, I'm just enjoying the view". She smiles again and puts on her jeans.
Two things are puzzling me. First, did she do these things for my benefit, or was it just because I 'happened' to be in the room that I witnessed them? Recall that earlier in the day her friend 'S', who is thinner and pretty gave me a lot of attention, and I sucked it up instead of pushing it away. Coincidence, or possibly her trying to see if I would still react to her? Or nothing at all?
Second thing that is on my mind is that she doesn't have any issues getting dressed / undressed in front of me. It's just 'life as usual' to her. But 2 years ago during the OM period she would NOT let me see her changing or coming out of the shower.
What's different?
Lastly, I think I need to stop looking at her when she's undressed or dancing around or anything 'provocative'. Not ignore her, just don't react or complement her. It seems like that is a symptom of NOT detaching. And it feeds her ego.
Please, quit over analysing this and just take it as a moment. Everything doesn't have a hidden meaning. She feels comfortable enough around you to do this so just accept it at face value. She danced, you were there, she smiled. End of comment.
Hmm, another suggestion from my friend: Go get the 'how to get a divorce' book from her office and start reading it. If she asks about it tell her I'm looking at what the legal steps are going to be and that I'm not going to be hurt any more.
At this stage, I believe that anything you do that even gets your mind geared towards "DBing" or anything similar is going to set you off on that course at your own personal expense.
The so-called "fixer" in you wants and needs further distraction from dealing with your own pain , which reaches back into your childhood by your own admission. Your DESIRE to "save" your marriage comes from two places, only one of which is your heart.
The other is your own need to continue to avoid dealing with your own demons .
I think Amy was right on the mark here Frank.
So I know there are all these issues floating around. The Prius, the tickets at church, the dancing in the bedroom.
I don't know what they all mean. But I do have this feeling inside that they serve nothing more than to distract you from the real work that you're trying to do here. Yourself.
You've sounded better the past couple days. It seems to me that you're beginning to get your legs under you again so to speak. Please don't let a somewhat renewed strength lead you directly into placing the focus back on your relationship.
You have 5-6 months Frank, if your wife sticks to her plan. And given her financial status, it would surprise me if she suddenly accelerates the plan. But those are not 5-6 months for you to labor furiously to save the marriage. Wasn't at least part of the lesson of the past year that healing the marriage could well come at the expense of Frank?
Hop over to FIB's thread Frank. I know you two talk with some regularity, but go over and just read today's posts. This man, whom YOU mentored, gets it. At least I think he does. He knows that he CANNOT do anything to change his wife or her mind. So in the face of conflicting signals from her, including being told that she does not want a divorce, he is moving forward. He is living his life, caring for his children and himself, and being civil to his wife at the same time.
I'm not suggesting that your situation matches the dynamic in FIB's exactly. I am suggesting that you need to find the level of detachment and self-sufficiency that he has found.
How many times are people on this board told to take care of themselves, to fix the parts that need fixing, improve the parts that need improving, find goals that bring satisfaction and joy to their lives? How many times have we counseled people to take the focus OFF their spouse, and place it squarely and one hundred percent on themselves and their children.
You can only control the life that you control Frank.
Wondering about her motivations amounts to questions that NO ONE has the answer to. The phrase cheeseless tunnels comes to mind. There is nothing to be gained there, and, more importantly, MUCH to be lost during the pursuit.
You're moving in the right direction. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by issues that you have no control over or answers to.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
