Lizzy I needed that laugh. WTF is taking that spaceship so long?
Anyway, BJ lizzy is absolutely right. Take the control away from them. Don't answer every call and by no means don't do what they expect you to do. Even if it is small don't give it to them. For example, I sent my H a text to say thank you about something and I sent him a pic of son and cat. He responded to neither. Now I have seen him twice since i have sent both texts and it is killing me not to ask if he has gotten them. Asking would be typical for me. I won't ask. I was actually kind of beating myself up about sending the texts, but he sends pics all the time and you know even though I hate him now he is really, really doing a great job with our son and I believe in giving credit where credit is due. I figured if I don't ask him why he did not respond then I am still doing something different. You make up the schedule that works for you and give it to him. Say you tried to wait on him and you couldn't. You made what works for you and if it does not work for him he needs to come up with something. If he does not, then stick to what you have. If he starts flaking out and you need to get a sitter can you take the money from somthing that you pay jointly and just reduce your portion? I found that the best thing that worked with my H was playing hardball. The harder I get the better response I get from him. Detach, Detach, Detach. Don't be there for him. He will have lots of questions with the kids. Only answer the life and death ones. He will have fun playing house, but eventually the novelty should wear off.
So this may take awhile but I want to recap yesterday/this morning. I have come to the conclusion that 1)My husband is a sad, confused, screwed-up, torn individual right now OR 2)My husband is a weak, confrontation-avoiding, easy-way-out taking coward right now
I'll let you help me decide....
Yesterday afternoon H got back from Denver. (For context, the furniture is being delivered to his apt. at noon TODAY). Anyway, spent the afternoon and evening playing with the kids, played computer games, built a fort, read books, wrestled, etc. etc. We ate dinner together as a family and I almost lost it when we were holding hands for prayer bc it seemed like it would be the last time (I know we will do family stuff together in the future but it's like when they say b.c./a.d. in historic reference. This was the last dinner b.b. (before bomb dropped on kids). So anyway H had fun w/kids but also had moments, incl. after dinner, where he sat doubled over at the table w/head in his arms. Said he felt sick and was freezing cold although it was warm in the house. Funny, any time he dropped a bomb on me re. OW or moving out or wanting a separation I was always freezing cold for some reason...Anyway once when I asked what was up he replied "I don't want to move out". WTF???? So after kids went to bed I was probably a little anti-DB. H was laying on couch, S was asleep next to him. I asked H about his earlier comment, and he said he didn't want to move out, was dreading moving out and dreading telling kids. I asked (wrong of me, I am sure, but oh well) if he was still interested in trying to work on our M. (Sometimes I am afraid he is stringing me along until he is moved into the apt and then he'll drop the D bomb even though he hasn't ever mentioned D to me, I just have some trust issues I guess bc he has lied before). Anyway he said he wanted to work on our M. So I said, "If you want to work on our M and you are dreading moving out, don't want to do it, maybe we should work on our M while both living at home. We could still have separate bedrooms, etc. but just work on it from home. I have been doing a lot of reading, and typically (I am sure you should NEVER quote books!) when the spouse decides they want to work on the M, they move back IN, not out. So if you don't want to move, you could call the furniture company and the apartment tomorrow and tell them so. It would just be easier to stop the whole thing before it starts IF that is what you want to do." I was met with silence. Then realized H seemed to be asleep. For all 16 yrs together if we talk at night, esp. if he is lying down, lights off, etc. he drifts off to sleep mid-conversation. My fault for choosing the inopportune time to discuss but he was leaving in the morning?! There was no other time and I didn't want to pass up the opening he gave me when he said he didn't want to move out. So I called his name, and he muttered something as he woke back up. Then he said, "I am moving out tomorrow bc I already told you I was and that is the plan." Like the plan is unchangeable?? I replied, "I know that is the plan but if you are saying you don't want to move--" "Then DON'T, right?" he interrupts. BC I have said that before when he has said he is dreading telling the kids he is moving out. But this time it was different bc he didn't just say he dreaded moving out, he said he DIDN'T WANT to do it. I regained control the best I could, and said, "No. I am not going to tell you not to move out. I have told you already I want you to do what is best for YOU. I want you to do whatever you think you need to do to be happy and to get your life figured out for you. I am just responding to the fact that you said you didn't want to move out. If you don't want to, I want you to know that the choice is yours." He seemed to be only half-awake and replied, "I already said I was moving out you just didn't like my answer." [This is referring to our MC saying in an argument, if you don't like the answer your spouse gives, you don't get to repeat the question trying to get the answer you want.] So at that point I got ready for bed myself. H had done NOTHING to help set up visitation which I told him he HAD to do before he moved out--like he would do anything bc I said so!? So I had gotten the calendars out earlier and written up the schedule for Jan/Feb, giving him 2 evenings a week and alternate weekends. Before going to bed, I stepped in the living room, got his attention to make sure he was awake. I said, "I made up the visitation schedules, your copy is on the kitchen table. Let me know if there are any changes you want to make okay?" He said OK and I went to bed. For some reason it was a revolving door of 20 month-old and 5 yr old waking up all night and wanting in bed w/me. So almost no sleep. Put both back to their own beds at 4:45.
H came in to shower at 5:30,but I rolled over and went back to sleep. Just before leaving he turned BR light on and came to my side of bed. I opened my eyes and looked straight into his. He was crying, or at least tearing up very badly. He stroked my hair repeatedly and said goodbye to me. Unfortunately I was so tired from the night o'kids I don't remember if he said ILY or not, probably doesn't matter anyway. So he looked into my eyes and stroked my hair and I replied, with NO tears whatsoever, "Goodbye. I will see you someday.." since I really don't know when we plan to see each other again. He teared up further at that. Then he backed out of the room looking at me the whole time. I actually rolled over and went back to sleep, no tears at all? Think I am numb but I also knew this day was coming. When I got up, I went in bathroom and he has left his shaving kit open and stuff all over bathroom. No suitcases are packed, his pillow is on the bed (and he even took it to Denver to sleep on). All the stuff stacked up in the basement to take is just sitting there. That partly made me think he is still torn, partly irritated me. BC I asked last night if I should take the kids somewhere tonight while he loads up his stuff and he said he wouldn't need me to, he didn't have much to do. I do NOT want my kids sitting here watching Dad load up his stuff, esp. when we aren't planning to tell them until Wed. So I called Mom & I am dropping them with her at 4 today after preschool/daycare. I plan to be out all evening too to stay away from here when he comes back. The next question is, I plan to not talk to him at ALL now unless it is a life/death emergency or something with the kids. But we haven't talked about what/how to tell the kids Wed. I am thinking I shouldn't bring it up, he knows he needs to tell them. But I get the vibe he would be happy w/me telling them Daddy is at "work meetings" at night indefinitely while he avoids making the announcement. In fact he had asked me to tell them he had a work dinner tonight to explain his absence, then it's bowling on Tues. and we tell them Wed. Seriously, bowling is more important than telling our kids we are separating? He is so scared to tell them anything is an excuse...So any input is SO needed right now. My only plan is to talk to him not at all.....
So H calls at 10:30 & I am NOT going to answer. He sounds anxious. I call him and he is on his way home. Boss told him he doesn't seem to have his head in the game, should "Take a couple weeks off and come back when you are focused and ready to work". H freaks out. Tells boss he will NOT take a few weeks off, work is what keeps him together. Says he would like to take the afternoon off (didn't tell boss it was bc of moving to apt), and be back tomorrow. Boss says fine. At 11 am boss sends him e-mail, "Get the f--k out of here"; that is just his boss' way of saying Go Home, boss is QUITE a character, I have said before I think he is bipolar. Anyway H goes into boss' office, says I am leaving this afternoon. Boss says if you need to go get your head right just go now. So H comes home. Asks me to look up furniture co. #. Finds it himself. This whole time I am on the computer in basement entering checks in Quicken while kids at school (no subbing today is MLK day). I didn't get up from chair the whole time he was here, normally I would have followed him around the house. I asked what he found out on phone when he came downstairs. He said he stopped the furniture order. I said good if you wanted to do that. Didn't ask about apt. bc he could live there on an air mattress w/a card table if he wanted to and I am staying OUT OF IT! So I say, "Let me know if there is anything I can do", and he says thanks, he is going back to talk to boss. Then he left. So all I know is he thinks he may be fired and he is not buying furniture. Don't know if this is the rock-bottom he needs to get better or another excuse to let his life go down the drain....
But I am proud that I never got up from my chair or tried to "fix" his situation for him. I think hands-off is the best approach.
BobbiJo - it would help if you could keep all your threads in one place. I get really confused seeing all your different posts in different boards. That will help you get a kinda "core" group of people that can follow you too.
I thought you did a good job staying out of it and let him fix his own problem. What did you need advice on?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I am no expert, but I think you handed it correctly BobbiJo. You stayed cool and collected, and didn't tell your H what he should do. Let him make his own decisions. Wow, as far as the boss. Does he know what is going on? I know you said he told someone at work about the OW. I don't think my H's boss has a clue. His EAs both work w/ him, so I'm sure he is keeping things hush, hush there. I would say just follow your H's lead, don't ask him questions at this point about if he is still moving or where he is staying. Of course this advice is coming from someone who is afraid to ask her H anything. I just think that a WAS sees that as pushing.
Good for you BJ. My H did very similar things as your H before he left. The first day of our sepereation I went out with friends because I needed an outlet. I basically ignored him, came home about an hour late and pretty much treated him like he had been treating me and he lost it. He broke down sobbing and crying it was a very surreal scene. He seemed very torn and broken, but he still left. He did try to live the lie of telling our S he was working. He went so far as to stay until 10pm nightly. I put a stop to that becasue I felt like was cake eating. He was enjoying family time without having to be commited. I finally told S because he was avoiding it. I put it in very easy terms a 6 year old could understand. I did not bad talk H, I simply said we were on a time out. I made H start taking S with him to his mom's house with him 3 days a week. Best thing I could have down on the road to getting a life. As I have stated before I think your husband is going through something. I think some of it may have to do with OW, but I think more of it has to do with him. You have been togehter the better part of his adult life. Has he ever lived on his own for an extended period of time? Most of us grew up in our 20's does not sound like he did. You said he had an overbearing mother. So is my MIL. He is trying to spread his wings. I am infusing my own situation into yours, but it is because I see so many similarities. I think the affairs are him trying to assert his independence. I think he is trying to live the life he thinks he has missed. I don't think he is a bad guy and I honestly believe he will come home in the end. Don't hold out too much hope for him not moving out. I still think he will (hopefully I am wrong on this), but I honestly feel that at the end of 6 mths he will want to come back. DB your butt off and enjoy this time to think about and focus on you. It is stressful, but there are some nice parts like being able to have a bowl of cereal for dinner and not having to worry about feeding another grown up. Sometimes I just relish in the fact that I can watch the big TV without having to share and I can watch what I want.
The Boss knows about the A bc she is a coworker, she told her husband the weekend I found H/OW in the hotel together in Nov. ex-OW's H left her IMMEDIATELY, and H was afraid he'd tell H's boss, so H did. So boss knew in Nov. but thought it was over at that point, didn't know it was still going until New Year's Eve. My H and the OW still work for the same company.
What do you think happens if your H gets fired? I think that is rock bottom and he is going to have a huge awakening to what he has done to his life and families life.
I like your "hands off" approach. The only drawback is that if H does move or gets fired, he might say that you were not there to help him in time of need.
I am no expert, but I think you handed it correctly BobbiJo. You stayed cool and collected, and didn't tell your H what he should do. Let him make his own decisions. Wow, as far as the boss. Does he know what is going on? I know you said he told someone at work about the OW. I don't think my H's boss has a clue. His EAs both work w/ him, so I'm sure he is keeping things hush, hush there. I would say just follow your H's lead, don't ask him questions at this point about if he is still moving or where he is staying. Of course this advice is coming from someone who is afraid to ask her H anything. I just think that a WAS sees that as pushing.