you could get "sucked back in" to *more* of a relationship with xbf than you really want, especially if his mother takes a turn for the worse and he really starts to lean on you
I do appreciate y'all's concern for me. And if I seem to be getting sucked back in, I hope someone will point it out to me. I'm not impervious to him. And when his mom dies, whether it's next month or years from now, I truly don't know what it will ultimately do to him. In the short run, of course, his grief will be overwhelming, more overwhelming than he can imagine right now. And he WON'T have anyone to really lean on except me. I'm glad he has his therapist and his men's AA group, but I'm clearly the go-to person. As his girlfriend, I don't think I could have borne it, but as his friend-friend I will bear it.
Are you all saying that when his mom dies, he will want to be bf-gf again, or just that he will lean on me a lot?
His leaning on me mainly, so far, has consisted of talking to me, running stuff past me, and then rejecting my comments and advice. He rarely directly asks me for anything or to do anything. He has not kept me fully informed about his mom's condition (although he will tell me details if I ask). In the beginning he sent out a group email to the relatives with updates on her condition, and I found out most of the stuff from there. And he also does not discuss many details about his daughters with me. He has never treated me like a stepparent or co-parent except on a few isolated occasions. I've been to his mom's apt once since new years. I suspect none of that will change. Are y'all seeing something I'm not seeing?
If I go astray, please lead me back to the path. He does tend to scramble my brain. He was over here for a little while yesterday evening. He was dropping off the dogs. Both dogs ran out for about five minutes and when they came back, BOTH had been skunked!
One of the things I like about bf is that while I was ranting and raving (I was in my wheelchair giving my leg a rest) and complaining about how I had to go put on my boot so I could stand up, bf was mixing an Oxyclean potion to wash the dogs with. We put the first one in the bathtub and washed him together. I calmed down.
But this is also true to form for him: while I put the second dog in the tub, bf got on the phone. Don't know whether it was incoming or outgoing call. He stayed on the phone while I washed dog #2. Then as I was drying her, he came in the bathroom and said, "Oh, you've washed her already?"
Those two things illustrate his personality in a nutshell. (But I'm the one who's NUTS!)
After he left, it was like a big rock had been thrown into my pond of serenity. It took a while for the ripples to go away. Dogs and house still smell pretty skunky.
ETA: I guess what I was getting at in the beginning of this post is that he hasn't treated me like a "girlfriend" for a long time. I have NOT been treated as special or out of the ordinary by him for at least a year, maybe longer. That's why I suspect things won't change much. The only thing that have really changed are my expectations.
I suppose this is where friendship rubber meets the road. For both of you. Do not be so nonchalant. You care and you do not, but caring makes you vulnerable to getting sucked back in. Wolves cut it off. They know when to break ties and move on. You are not a wolf. Tho you are glad to be away.
But.
Know your boundaries before you go back in
Corri,
I think this post highlights what I've been trying to tell you about yourself. The wolf/lioness is not the only animal who can be strong and enforce boundaries. If the lioness is weak the whole zoo will be out of balance but the bunny, monkey and cow shouldn't have to call on the lioness for assistance. The zoo keeper should work to ensure this. For instance, the bunny is the animal that wants physical affection. Let's say I hook-up with a guy and after sex I roll in for a cuddle and the guy signals "no-cuddle". Strong bunny is the animal who should deal with that situation, not strong lioness. You can pretty readily see how I would be psycho-girl if I did call out the lioness to deal with that and how I would be a different kind of psycho-girl if I dealt with it in weak bunny mode. I actually think your strong monkey is the animal who should be dealing with your XBF's AFF usage, not strong bunny or lioness, however I shall be cryptic and let you figure out why that would be the case.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Yeah, would strong bunny somehow vibe so cuddly that the guy just couldn't resist and would cuddle her or would she just cuddle him anyway because she wanted to or would she just shrug and say to herself, "ok, he doesn't want to cuddle" and then go cuddle her cat?
What would that look like, i.e., specifically: words, actions, gestures, etc.
Well, take it back a step or two. Part of being strong is being self-aware, so strong bunny would go into an encounter knowing/vibing that she likes to cuddle. Another part of being strong is feeling confident and fully justified and differentiated in your preferences. For instance, if somebody said to strong bunny "A lot of guys don't like to cuddle after sex." or "Liking physical affection like that seems kind of weak to me.", strong bunny would just say "That's interesting. I like to cuddle after sex.". (By analogy, strong monkey might feel similarly and make similar comments about an issue like breast stimulation.) Anyways, as MrsCac noted, it is the case that because strong bunny is so self-aware and confident about her desire for cuddling that she is more likely to be cuddled because she is signaling "I like to cuddle" rather than "I need to be cuddled" and it is also the case that she would just shrug it off if she wasn't cuddled but quite possible choose to no longer have sex with that guy for much the same reason that strong monkey would choose to no longer have sex with a guy who disregarded strong signaling for breast stimulation. The reason that the guy doesn't share her preferences doesn't matter in the least. If strong bunny hopped into a diner and found that it didn't serve carrot cake, the reason for such a sad absence of vegetable based baked goods wouldn't matter either. Although she might say "I see you have no carrot cake. That's too bad. I might become a regular customer if you did."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Post to Lil and her reply It gave you a reason to be selfish or really a reason to do some self care.
This is very insightful, Lou
I don't know how insightful the thought was. To me it was something I thought about in my own life.
If X (something bad or a serious medical problem) happened to me I was going to not limit myself so much about what I did for Lou and I was going to limit my AOS and guilty feelings, for what I quit doing for BB.
Now I have to think about why not do it before X happens. I can mentally see where the cow/St Bernard/NG part of a person is a dominate trait that needs to be reeled in.
How to be selfish in a good way, that is the topic that needs to be worked on.
Lil A thought that came to me was, when bf’s mother dies, what will bf do with his time? If she isn't around, will he finally pay attention to you or will his other interests in his life keep him occupied?
Lou, when someone pays you a compliment, don't reject it.
When bf's mom dies, I don't expect him to pay any more attention to me. Like most 7's he has a list of projects he's working on. It will take him forever to clear out his mom's house.
Me explaining where my thoughts were coming from, was more like "here is where I have been/thought/felt and I wanted to share my situation at the time, with you.
I have my trigger list. If event A, B, C, etc. happens, my St Bernard/cow is looking out for me, not BB, partly because the store house doesn't have reserves for anyone else and partly because what things I have been providing for BB don't seem to be in an appreciable form. So why not use what is remaining in my warehouse for my recovery.
I also know what I have to offer BB, sometimes isn’t what BB wants.
Your ankle break closed your storehouse/distribution center and caused you to become the recipient of good deeds. When you couldn’t work and evaluated what you saw, R wise, who was doing what, you saw how your employees were interested in other things, other than your business, your happiness.
When bf's mom dies, I don't expect him to pay any more attention to me. Like most 7's he has a list of projects he's working on. It will take him forever to clear out his mom's house. In that case, he will have pleanty to keep him busy if and when you have new romantic interests.
My 72 yr old never M friend likes women but would never obligat himself to one. Maybe that is the way your bf thinks?
My comment about “not obligate himself“ was referring to my friend and your bf, and was in addition to what you posted about your bf It will take him forever to clear out his mom's house. and all of his other crisis,and mini crisis events.
I didn’t want to sound like I was discounting any of your observations/opinions. I was adding to your list from what I observed and heard other men say.
