Before all this what did you do when your H was not at home?
Honestly?...
Keep busy and wait for his return
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
sh- Frankly I think February 14 is going to be more depressing than today! Really let's think positively that things will get better from here on out.
I know what you are saying about not having the kids split between two worlds when parents don't get along. My kids have been living that just about all their lives. But that being said, I think it is so important for kids to have both their parents in their lives. It is up to the parents to try to be as civil as possible...I just wish I had been more successful at it.
We need to come up with a way to get our H's out of our heads...maybe a labotomy???...brainwashing???...I know what works the best is to find another guy but we aren't ready to go there!
Something funny to share: A good friend of ours saw H the other night. They were very close before, but have had a falling out over H's actions over the past year, and also because H owes friend money that's long overdue.
Friend was joking around with H. Asked H if he was still with ogre. H said yes. Friend said 'Dude, at least find yourself a new chick!'. Said H just laughed but looked embarrassed.
Friend told me that H actually called him on Christmas just to wish him a Merry Christmas. Strange, considering he hadn't called him for several months before that. But it did coincide with his brief period of holiday cheer, which is completely gone - although he did pick S5 up from school today to spend some time with him. He hasn't done that in a long time - and usually only does it if I ask.
toh: I've stopped asking myself all the questions and have just accepted that the thoughts of H are still there. I wish they weren't, but then again, I think it makes us normal to still think of someone we have shared our lives with for so long. I think with time and a better understanding of what your H is going through, the questions will stop for you too.
short1: Besides now having a job, my day to day life hasn't changed much. Taking care of little kids sucks up so much of my time, I hardly have time to pee. When H started in replay and was going out all the time, that's when I started my own company. Between that and my new job, I have plenty to keep me busy at night after the kids are sleeping - not to mention reading and posting here. Maybe the DB site is part of the problem, because even if it's supposed to be for me, the basis still revolves around my M, and thus my H. Either way, it's the moments when I'm lying in bed, just before I sleep that he enters my mind the most.
OC: Ideally, I wish that H could continue to be an important part of their lives. I just hate seeing S5 figure out the inconsistencies in what H tells him. It would be great if I could move away temporarily, leaving H to work on himself without having to deal with him. Then have him join us/bring us back here when he's through with his MLC! Ironically, this is what he suggested when we first S (minus the MLC part). I thought it was completely ridiculous then. The timeframe he had given was 3 years. If it weren't such a major move, I would have an easier time doing it. But in addition to the move being costly and all the effort and expenses involved in moving to a new country (which you know very well), I'm afraid of how traumatizing the move would be on my kids. So for now, I'll keep being a chicken sh*t and just keep talking about it, without actually taking that leap. I don't think you gave me that book you mentioned. You gave me one called 'Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce'.
UD: I've never been a huge sucker for Valentine's day, so hopefully it will pass without much drama for me. I do think that things will start to look up for all of us soon. Yes, finding another guy is just what I need but am not ready for. Having the possibility of an R with OF (actually have had NC with him for a couple of weeks) is sometimes a nice thought, but I find myself comparing him to H. And even with all of H's faults, I'd still choose H over OF. Funny, because I've always thought of OF as my soulmate (H nows this) but have never had a strong desire to be with him. Maybe because he's so much like me - especially the bad parts that I can't stand about myself! At least I'm trying to change them... Oh, I've heard that hypnotism actually works to help stop thinking about H. Try it and let me know if it's successful.
Maybe the DB site is part of the problem, because even if it's supposed to be for me, the basis still revolves around my M, and thus my H. Either way, it's the moments when I'm lying in bed, just before I sleep that he enters my mind the most.
Still....wow, you put this so very well into words ! I have exactly the same.
I loved your post.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
SH I agree that somehow this site, even though it is soothing and comforting, somehow keeps me too attached to H..I ve been told to give it up, but I enjoy coming here at night dont know peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
(((sh))) I know that must have been painful. You will be okay. Just try to let it go. I hope you just held your head high and acted like they didn't bother you.
kiki, UD: Thank you. Seeing them together, coming out of a restaurant we used to always go to, in an area he knows he's likely to run in to someone he knows - it really sucked. I'm still disturbed. There was no way to avoid crossing paths with them, and I wouldn't have even if given the choice. I did hold my head high, but I'm sure H could see it in my eyes how painful it still was. Ogre - she saw me and just kept on walking as H stopped to talk to me. Didn't even turn back. Coward.
Luckily, kids weren't with me. Unfortunately, I had almost no sleep last night and as soon as I turned the corner and saw them, thought 'Damn. I should've worn my new dress.'
I taught S5 what a 'coward' is today. (He doesn't know anything about the run-in.) He asked 'Like someone who leaves their family? Is daddy one of those? Does that mean you hate daddy?' I told him I'll never hate his daddy and that we'll have to see if that's what he becomes. Bad parenting?
I got a good kick in the @ss from OF, whose call couldn't have come at a better time. He apologized for being harsh, but gave it to me straight, which I really appreciated. Said that I've just been going in circles in my head for the past year and a half. That I could continue like this for years if I keep 'waiting'. Basically telling me to stop being the martyr, which I argued against - which he in turn said is making me more of a martyr by me insisting that I'm not. He thinks that by keeping the door open, I'm preventing myself from really moving on. Which is exactly what the last few comments on my thread were about, but in regards to DBing and this site. His message was very anti-DB, but that doesn't make it wrong either.
Then, in another call from mutual old friend who was here over Christmas, friend said he didn't mean to give me false hope, but that by what other friend said to H about finding new chick and H not defending her, he thinks H doesn't really love her. (Previously, H would have gladly beat the crap out of anyone who would have disrespected me in any way). Thinks that H wants to come back but can't because it'd be too hard. And he doesn't want to be by himself, so he keeps her around for the company.
Also heard from my good friend whose H is friend's with my H that they invited H - and strictly ONLY H - to dinner at their house the other night. H declined, even though he had said he was free earlier. But at least he knows how unwelcome the ogre is.
I know - way too much talk and focus on H.
Hopefully, the run-in and the trauma it's caused will have the same effect as all the other hurdles that are thrown at us - that it will build strength in the end. At the moment, I'm worried that it's the last straw. But how many times have I said that??
SH It is difficult seems like so many of us are in the same place week after week with no movement our H arent ready to shift thae only thing we can do is keep moving and listen to our heart we will be led we can trust ourselves so listen to it you will know when /if its the right time for whatever for now we all sit tight one day we will know more sorry about H and ogre I hate her too!!! as for son asking if H is coward..well he knows the truth such a hard call..i have to admit I say wrong things to kids at times about H my 12 D says she doesnt trust him s asked is it ok for dad to sign homework (in front of H) nothing phases him hang on peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
