you are giving her way to much energy, energy that would be better spent on yourself. why are you still robbing yourself of the energy and commitment that you need to take care of yourself? you know that is what you need to do, you have told me yourself. accept things for what they are, take care of yourself, and embrace whatever is there on the other side.
Yeah, I agree with this observation. Here's an interesting thing from last night. W got up about 2 am and went to the guest bedroom to sleep. I got up and went to see what was up with her. She said she couldn't sleep with me because there was too much 'disruptive energy' in the room. She said it's hard to sleep when she can 'feel' that I was agitated about something.
I didn't say anything, just 'ok, well good night'. No apology, no attempt to 'coax' her to come back to bed.
This morning she is somewhat 'annoyed' with me for whatever reason. I stayed 'decent' in my attitude.
She sure does 'react' when she can feel me pushing her away.
I know that my friends 'list' is all about what she is doing 'wrong' and I know that she has her list of grievances that are part of her 'list' of why she is doing what's good 'for her'. This isn't a contest to see who is 'more wrong' or 'bad'.
I try and try to see her point of view, which is one where it is really easy to blame myself for everything, but when I listen to my friend and think about the issues he raised I just can't look at MYSELF objectively and see myself as such a 'bad' person that she can choose to do what she is doing when she 'claimed' to love me and to 'know what commitment means' after her affair and counseling.
I don't WANT to be angry but it's creeping in slowly because I just can't dispute the arguments against her CHARACTER any more. I can look at her and see that sweet girl I know, and she'll even be that person sometimes. But the more I think about it turning around some day, the more I feel like I will not be able to trust her ever again, which is probably what she feels about me.
Maybe 'Real Growing and Healing' means growing to the point to where I don't need to have her around so I can constantly be 'fixing' either her, or me. Healing me will make that possible.
