Theoden, I will try to avoid the counseling topic again. I really don't have that many stories about them, and did not bring that up to make a point to H or anything. I was just relating the story of what happened to my friend. We had been curious to find out why she had divorced, and then when I found out, I was telling him. It just happend to strike a cord in him, and as you say, he "lashed out". Maybe he realizes he should be going through marriage counseling or something or he misinterpreted that I was trying to make a point with my story (which I honestly wasn't)? This is probably a stupid question, but how do you increase your personal power? I do feel that I am feeling stronger each day, although I sometimes have occasional setback days like when he asked for the date night, but I rallied as quickly as I could. Thanks again to all who have helped me here!!!
I think he has suffered in the list of things I already posted yesterday. When he went out Sat. night, he spent the night with a woman who neglects her kids (spends 40 hours a week on the affair with my H) instead of with her children and has terrible morals; she is a married woman with kids having an affair with a married man with kids. Instead he could have spent the night with his family who loves him: his kids and his wife who has devoted her life to him and her kids and he chose not to; we watched a movie and had hot chocolate and had a great time without him. I think he lost out myself.
Karen,
I'm sorry, but he most certainly doesn't see this as a "loss." If he did, he wouldn't be doing it.
If my list doesn't work, come up with your own, even if it's just one of two things, but I think it's imperative that your husband see YOU initiating some sort of consequences for his disrespectful behavior towards you. You said yourself in a previous post, "he sees me as weak."
THIS is where you need to focus, in my opinion. I'll stop badgering you about it, but that's just my take.
I will talk to my therapist about this (she's on vacation until Feb. 7) but when she gets back. As a sahm mom, I have a little less leverage than in your situation. I am detaching and doing everything recommended in the books and on this site to try to help my situation. I could get super hard core and lock him out of the house, which would require him to get a locksmith, pay $100, and with his anger issues, possibly endanger my health and encourage my divorce that much quicker, but I don't see that as a good option for me.
I guess I am also viewing this differently than you. I think if he chooses a wife who cheats on her husband, neglectful mom with terrible morals over me who is a basically a devoted wife, mom, & Sunday School teacher then probably he is not the right husband for me is how I see this, and he has 10 months to think through this decision.
I'm sorry, but he most certainly doesn't see this as a "loss." If he did, he wouldn't be doing it.
I agree. You can be as moral as you want, keep the house warm, cozy and inviting. Your H (and mine!) is choosing to be where it makes him happy. We know he is losing out, making the wrong choices, and hurting the people around him. WAY deep down he knows this too, but is into denial and lashing out, so no way will he see it, or believe it if you tell him.
"Your H (and mine!) is choosing to be where it makes him happy. We know he is losing out, making the wrong choices, and hurting the people around him. WAY deep down he knows this too, but is into denial and lashing out, so no way will he see it, or believe it if you tell him."
So the ? is how do we make them see that? I thought we were supposed to try to make ourselves attractive, GAL, not talk about the R, not begging or pursuing and I have been doing all that. I noticed he is trying to avoid church, and our pastor who has been trying to meet with him, hasn't gone to church much if at all in the last month now, he stopped going to the monthly men's group Christian meetings he used to go to, made comments that he is a slut or tramp or something just like the OW is, (he has been a Christian his whole life) so he internally must be having some conflict going on already). Are you saying I am not doing it right, not doing enough; you don't think he will realize that the our marriage is a good deal at some point? Karen43
Horrible day today!!!! Worst ever!! Even though I've had bad days lately I felt I had tried my best and done a decent job, but today I did horribly DB wise--I did everything wrong. H was gone from 8am to 2pm with the OW so I was upset about that. Then my brother is having his brain surgery tomorrow so I am upset about that. I talked to my bro around when my H got home and that was rough.
We then went to the track with the kids to go jog and I was talking to H on the way which I shouldn't have got into it of course very anti-DB of me and I normally wouldn't have done it; he apparently had gone running and then seen the OW and went to his boss' house as well. I got confused and thought the OW went to the boss' house and was upset about that and said "boy, these are classy people" referring to the OW and the boss. It turns out he just ran with the boss, then spent 4 or so hours with the OW after, so I actually apologized later for calling his boss classy.
But then when I tried to use my H's ipod and couldn't figure out how to turn it on, he called me a loser and said I should be able to do it since I am so morally correct, and I just lost it, I said you don't know what morally correct means that has nothing to do with turning on an ipod that means you don't neglect your children like your girlfriend does and when you are married with kids you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend that's married with kids, that's what morally correct means, it doesn't mean you can't turn on an ipod" b/c really I was upset about my brother and his being with his OW instead of having a husband that could support me when I'm upset about my brother but he's off with OW instead, and calling me a loser on top of it!!! And he says later the way I act when he's doing something sweet like going to the track with the kids and I, that's why I'm going to be alone and I should think about that.
I just feel terrible about the whole day, my life, and everything else. He is so good at making me feel that way! I know I am feeling worried about my brother's surgery tomorrow too, you would think most people would try to be a little bit nicer than he is being today, you'd think. Karen43
We cannot make them see this. You can bad mouth your H, the OW, and any 'enablers' til you are blue in the face. H will not hear it, nor will he care at this point in time.
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Are you saying I am not doing it right, not doing enough; you don't think he will realize that the our marriage is a good deal at some point?
To be honest, no. You aren't doing it right. You are R talking all the time, you are being angry with him, you are giving him cheap shots, you are talking down to him (about you being more moral than him). You are not doing anything for yourself. Why would you go running with him after he spent the day with OW? You should have gone yourself or taken the kids yourself.
Making yourself more attractive and GAL is for YOU, not for him.
Let me add to what lwb has said. You are walking in the middle of the road. Either you follow DBing, or you do what chocolateeyes suggests (hard-line it). But you are doing neither. And this is the best way to push him away.
Either follow DBing by-the-book (with a sincere effort), or put your foot down, tell him you will not tolerate his infidelity and tell to take a hike.
Why would you go running with him after he spent the day with OW? You should have gone yourself or taken the kids yourself.
Making yourself more attractive and GAL is for YOU, not for him.
He goes out every weekend morning or day with the OW or evenings pending the majority of his time with her , so then your point would be that I should no longer do anything with H or H and the kids? I no longer see him at home b/c he avoids me there. So basically just stop seeing him then?
I feel like I offended you, and I'm sorry. After this post, I will stop.
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so then your point would be that I should no longer do anything with H or H and the kids?
I should have been more specific, I suppose. If you choose to be around your H, then you cannot do it with anger/contempt. You fell right into the normal pattern of commenting on his absence, making smart comments, etc. I didn't personally want to be around H in any shape or form when his A was full blown. It made me sick, hurt too much. I nicely spread out the time with the kids so we had equal amounts. If we had to do stuff as a family together, I focused on the kids only and treated H like a friend, and most of the time we drove separately. And I never R talked unless it was calm and the kids weren't around.
