Rob is right. I believe in snooping, when you're in the "evidence-gathering" phase, or when you're having to make difficult decisions about whether to go for custody, etc. But you've known what you know for a long time now (albeit you just got proof it's been going on LONGER than you thought.)
Print them and give them to a confidante for safekeeping. Looking at them daily will kill your spirit.
If you haven't already done so, I do think you need to enforce a boundary with your husband as to what he does from inside of YOUR home, presumably on a computer than is at least half yours?? You can't stop him from the incredibly foolish and selfish choice of deciding to have an affair, of course, but you can certainly enforce your own personal boundaries, and not enable it. If he crosses your boundary, let there be consequences.
I am sorry to say this, but I think that unless your H gets help for his alcoholism this is no possibility that you can work anything out with him. His mood swings and temper tantrums are typical of the alcoholic. I know, I am the mother of one. I have lived with the kind of behavior you describe and it is awful. Like living on the flanks of a volcano, always expecting an eruption. The best thing that ever happened to my son was that he was arrested and put in a rehab program and forced to take a drug called antabuse that prevented him from drinking. (The night he put the drug to the test was really frightening. He never did that again.) They turned my son back into a person.
At this point your H is totally out of control. I suspect the affair is more a symptom of his drinking problem than it is a stand alone problem. I can't offer advice except to hope that he does get arrested for drunk driving.
sue, I agree with sara (as well as chocolate eyes) here.
sara, I'm sorry for what you have been thru with your son. its a path I fear for my own kids, since we have alcoholism on both sides (my dad, half of h's family, still on the fence about h, actually, I think he's heading down that road himself). I'm glad your son got help and is doing better now. must have been very painful for you, though.
Sue, take care of yourself. I'm sorry for how things are going, but I know you are a strong, wonderful person, and you will be okay.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I was so hoping the family time would be an eye opener.. even a little.. for your H. The way he's acting on this trip is over the top. Refusing to take you to meet your friend is just mean and selfish. He's treating you like crap and you don't deserve it!
Sue, you are such a strong woman... why are you allowing him to treat you this way? Is it easier to put up with this in hopes that he'll wake up someday? That's not a criticism of your choices.. I just have to wonder ho and D3 befoing to go in his mistreatment of your and D3 before a very strong boundary goes up. I too grew up in a home with an alchoholic father and it took me a long time to realize that just how much I'd put up with that was unhealthy. I just worry about you and want you to know that he's went WAY beyond what a wife should be expected to put up with. I understand you staying, but want you to know that no one would have the right to be critical of you if you decided enough is enough.
Huggs Sue. I'll be out of town on business this week, but will continue to prypray for ya'll. You have my number if you need it!
I've been off the boards for a while, so this is a big one!!
We got back from our trip late last night. The ride home was okay. Good, but with some odd things said.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get on over the weekend, but I was able to email a few people and told you of the things happening. -H looking at articles on the computer on getting credit in order after divorce. -H getting a call from OW while he was with us. (didn't take the call). -H blowing up twice. Once because of traffic and once because he didn't want to wait 15 minute extra for me to meet a friend I hadn't seen for 2 years (she was running late). -Me breaking down in front of a friend of ours (H wasn't in the room).
So, that was just some of the fun up until Sat. evening.
On Sat. night, D3 and I didn't have transportation, so my FIL gave us a ride to my BIL/SIL's house. SIL, myself, D3 and our niece were going to just hang out. Since we didn't have a way of getting back to FIL's and we didn't know how late they'd be out, we decided to stay overnight at BIL/SIL's house. FIL, H and BIL were going to play in a Texas Hold 'Em tournament. It was very late when we got everyone to sleep. I heard my BIL come in and about 15 minutes later, H calls their house and wants to talk to me. He's drunk and wants me to borrow a car and come to my FIL's for sex. It's almost 1:30 am. I told H that it was late and I didn't want to leave D3 sleeping in a strange house. He got angry. H told me that it was over. I said, just because of this one time. YES. He told me that it was MY last chance to HAVE HIM. I finally got him off the phone. My BIL was still awake and I went out to talk to him. I asked him if H had been drinking a lot. He said he didn't think so. So, H continues to call back and harrass me. At one point, he said...... -You're lame -I want to be with OW because her personality blows you away. -If I compare you and OW, you're a can of bad soup and she's a meal at a fine restaurant. -When we get back to MN, we are starting D proceedings. -You don't give me what I need. -I hope you find someone who makes you happy and who you can make happy, because you sure don't make me happy. -I know you have talked to OW's H too. By the way, OW hates his guts and wants me.
It went on like this for a while. I got upset and told H that he could say all the nasty things to me he wanted if it that's what it took to make him feel better about himself. My BIL was there the whole time and finally grabbed the phone from me and sat listening to everything that H was saying to me. He proceeded to tell H this........ -If this is the way you feel about Sue, you need to tell her when you're sober, not in this condition. -You keep saying you're giving Sue a way out and doing her a favor, so don't come running when she's gone, saying you regret it and want her back. -You're my brother and I love you, but I love Sue to and I don't want to see you hurt her like this. -Instead of continuing to say that Sue doesn't give you what you need, why don't you stop and ask yourself if maybe you don't always give Sue what she needs. -You have a beautiful little girl that you need to think about too. -Stop always making things about you. Grow up and take some responsibility for your actions. -This will hurt dad really bad, but if you want out, you need to sit down with dad before you leave and straighten all this out so he understands.
Well, of course H was drunk, so he just kept yelling. After BIL got off the phone, H continued to try to call me several times. BIL gave me the.....He's my brother and I love him, but that doesn't mean I condone what he's doing.....speach. I told him that I understood that and never intended for him to get in the middle and never expect him to take sides. I know that blood is thicker than water in the end.
On Sunday morning D3 and I got up and went back to my FIL's. I had to get her ready to go get pictures taken with our niece. My FIL had wanted their picture taken together. I got to my FIL's, bathed D3 and got her ready. H was sleeping. After I took the girls for their pictures, we went back to FIL's to get all of our things together so we could leave. H had to go pick up the car from his uncle (mechanic) so D3 and I spent more time at BIL/SIL's house. H picked us up around 3:15 and we left to come home. H had very little to say to anyone. He wasn't nasty, just quiet.
Odd things. On the way home, we pass several water parks. D3 asked if we could go. H said that when mommy gets our taxes done, we'll look to all go for a weekend. H also talked to D3 about seeing his family around Memorial Day weekend because D3 is off school and mommy/daddy don't work. D3 begged us to turn up the radio when Before He Cheats came on. He did it for her. H tried to intiate things with me last night. A slight female issue prevented that. He got angry at first, but after I explained my denial, he relaxed.
I'm sitting here this morning with the papers in front of me that the attorney gave me. I feel the need to at least fill them out. Filling them out doesn't mean turning them in or filing yet. For me it just means being stronger.
Sara, I know that you're right about my H and his drinking. You described it perfectly with the volcano.
Sally, to answer your question in your email. No, I don't love the H that is currently in my life. I love H I knew and the one I know he can be, but certainly not the one right now.
lwb- Thanks for your email too. I started cleaning out a lot of things at home. I felt myself pull away so much the past few weeks. I'm not ready for a divorce, but it will take what seems like a miracle to turn this M around now.
Sheila- I just saw you emailed too. I feel like I'm about 90-95% of the way to say enough is enough. I'm just trying to get some things in order.
For us to survive, a lot has to be changed. More than I had ever imagined in the beginning. I got up this morning and wondered if now would be a good time for H and I to sit and talk. A time to be open about the big elephant in the room and where we're headed. And, if I have any messages on my phone from him from Sat. night (I didn't check), to let him listen to them so he can hear what he said to me.
Well, I've been away from work for a few days and I need to get some things going.
Have a great day.
SueS
Last edited by SueS; 01/21/0803:48 PM.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Im glad bil was there for you and understands what is going on. I do fear that your H does have a drinking problem and this will only make matters worse for everyone involved. He needs to get help.
You really have to take care of you and your D.. I cannot believe how mean and selfish this man is. But I can tell how truly stronger you have become, he said some really nasty things to you and you remained calm.. Its almost like he has done so much damage what more can he say to really make you feel bad...
He not winning this one, you are. You have remained calm and collected and I think this irritates him.. he wants you to beg and plead with him and that moment is already gone.
Its amazing to me that he is still thinking about "going away with all of you".. wth???? He's lost it.. Im sure you are confused as he** but you need to just blow off things when he says stuff like that because you never know if he serious or not, or just playing mind games with you.
I'm worried about you, he has really become abusive... keep your distance from him for awhile.. Nothing he said is true.. You are a great person and mother and he is a lost soul.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
H tried to intiate things with me last night. A slight female issue prevented that. He got angry at first, but after I explained my denial, he relaxed.
Sue, why would you even CONSIDER having sex with someone who said THIS to you:
Quote:
-You're lame -I want to be with OW because her personality blows you away. -If I compare you and OW, you're a can of bad soup and she's a meal at a fine restaurant. -When we get back to MN, we are starting D proceedings. -You don't give me what I need. -I hope you find someone who makes you happy and who you can make happy, because you sure don't make me happy. -I know you have talked to OW's H too. By the way, OW hates his guts and wants me.
If you're going to say "I know he was just drunk," then you need to tell him he either needs to get help for his drinking, NOW, or you and your daughter are leaving.
If you would have considered having sex with him (other than the female issue) even if he said those things to you SOBER, then you need to get into some serious individual counseling to figure out why you would do that.
I haven't read thru all 10 of your previous threads, so maybe I'm missing something, but this is just incomprehensible to me why you allow him to treat you this way.
Hi Sue, Wow. Your H just continues to demonstrate how out of control and selfish he is - it's so sad to see someone sinking that low. And it's so sad to see you and D3 being subjected to this.
Feminine issues aside, it amazes me that you would even consider having sex with H at this time. Obviously, it's a very complex and personal choice - but I just don't see it as a loving act on his part. And if it isn't, he's just using you - and that needs to stop.
I don't have personal experience with a substance abuser, so take this FWIW - but I can't see H turning his life around as long as he is in the grips of alcoholism. I really worry about the impact of this on you and D3. I fear you are at risk in so many ways from him - in particular, from financial ruin, STD's, and possibly physical violence. Please, please, PLEASE think about how to protect yourself in each of these areas - this man is a train wreck waiting to happen, and I fear that unless you take some active steps to avoid it, you and D3 could be really badly hurt when (not if) it happens.
Another thought that occurs to me - OW must be pretty seriously F'ed up herself. I can't imagine what would make someone think your H, in his current state, was someone they wanted to run away and live happily ever after with. Yuck.
Take care of yourself and stay strong. Many, many (((hugs)))!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
That is an awful scene. The thing is he was just trying to get what he wanted when he wanted it. I don't know the divorce laws in your state. But I have learned that in some states you have to have grounds for a divorce. He has no grounds. You do. I think despite his ranting, it will have to be you who puts a divorce through. Personally, I think you and D3 should not take this abuse and endangerment. It is only a matter of time before something bad will happen.
I have known of an alcoholic husband who stopped drinking when his wife left him and took the kids. Unfortunately for him, her high school boyfriend had looked her up in the meantime, and she was long gone by the time the husband got his head straight. Never met a happier woman!
