So this may take awhile but I want to recap yesterday/this morning. I have come to the conclusion that 1)My husband is a sad, confused, screwed-up, torn individual right now OR 2)My husband is a weak, confrontation-avoiding, easy-way-out taking coward right now
I'll let you help me decide....
Yesterday afternoon H got back from Denver. (For context, the furniture is being delivered to his apt. at noon TODAY). Anyway, spent the afternoon and evening playing with the kids, played computer games, built a fort, read books, wrestled, etc. etc. We ate dinner together as a family and I almost lost it when we were holding hands for prayer bc it seemed like it would be the last time (I know we will do family stuff together in the future but it's like when they say b.c./a.d. in historic reference. This was the last dinner b.b. (before bomb dropped on kids). So anyway H had fun w/kids but also had moments, incl. after dinner, where he sat doubled over at the table w/head in his arms. Said he felt sick and was freezing cold although it was warm in the house. Funny, any time he dropped a bomb on me re. OW or moving out or wanting a separation I was always freezing cold for some reason...Anyway once when I asked what was up he replied "I don't want to move out". WTF???? So after kids went to bed I was probably a little anti-DB. H was laying on couch, S was asleep next to him. I asked H about his earlier comment, and he said he didn't want to move out, was dreading moving out and dreading telling kids. I asked (wrong of me, I am sure, but oh well) if he was still interested in trying to work on our M. (Sometimes I am afraid he is stringing me along until he is moved into the apt and then he'll drop the D bomb even though he hasn't ever mentioned D to me, I just have some trust issues I guess bc he has lied before). Anyway he said he wanted to work on our M. So I said, "If you want to work on our M and you are dreading moving out, don't want to do it, maybe we should work on our M while both living at home. We could still have separate bedrooms, etc. but just work on it from home. I have been doing a lot of reading, and typically (I am sure you should NEVER quote books!) when the spouse decides they want to work on the M, they move back IN, not out. So if you don't want to move, you could call the furniture company and the apartment tomorrow and tell them so. It would just be easier to stop the whole thing before it starts IF that is what you want to do." I was met with silence. Then realized H seemed to be asleep. For all 16 yrs together if we talk at night, esp. if he is lying down, lights off, etc. he drifts off to sleep mid-conversation. My fault for choosing the inopportune time to discuss but he was leaving in the morning?! There was no other time and I didn't want to pass up the opening he gave me when he said he didn't want to move out. So I called his name, and he muttered something as he woke back up. Then he said, "I am moving out tomorrow bc I already told you I was and that is the plan." Like the plan is unchangeable?? I replied, "I know that is the plan but if you are saying you don't want to move--" "Then DON'T, right?" he interrupts. BC I have said that before when he has said he is dreading telling the kids he is moving out. But this time it was different bc he didn't just say he dreaded moving out, he said he DIDN'T WANT to do it. I regained control the best I could, and said, "No. I am not going to tell you not to move out. I have told you already I want you to do what is best for YOU. I want you to do whatever you think you need to do to be happy and to get your life figured out for you. I am just responding to the fact that you said you didn't want to move out. If you don't want to, I want you to know that the choice is yours." He seemed to be only half-awake and replied, "I already said I was moving out you just didn't like my answer." [This is referring to our MC saying in an argument, if you don't like the answer your spouse gives, you don't get to repeat the question trying to get the answer you want.] So at that point I got ready for bed myself. H had done NOTHING to help set up visitation which I told him he HAD to do before he moved out--like he would do anything bc I said so!? So I had gotten the calendars out earlier and written up the schedule for Jan/Feb, giving him 2 evenings a week and alternate weekends. Before going to bed, I stepped in the living room, got his attention to make sure he was awake. I said, "I made up the visitation schedules, your copy is on the kitchen table. Let me know if there are any changes you want to make okay?" He said OK and I went to bed. For some reason it was a revolving door of 20 month-old and 5 yr old waking up all night and wanting in bed w/me. So almost no sleep. Put both back to their own beds at 4:45.
H came in to shower at 5:30,but I rolled over and went back to sleep. Just before leaving he turned BR light on and came to my side of bed. I opened my eyes and looked straight into his. He was crying, or at least tearing up very badly. He stroked my hair repeatedly and said goodbye to me. Unfortunately I was so tired from the night o'kids I don't remember if he said ILY or not, probably doesn't matter anyway. So he looked into my eyes and stroked my hair and I replied, with NO tears whatsoever, "Goodbye. I will see you someday.." since I really don't know when we plan to see each other again. He teared up further at that. Then he backed out of the room looking at me the whole time. I actually rolled over and went back to sleep, no tears at all? Think I am numb but I also knew this day was coming. When I got up, I went in bathroom and he has left his shaving kit open and stuff all over bathroom. No suitcases are packed, his pillow is on the bed (and he even took it to Denver to sleep on). All the stuff stacked up in the basement to take is just sitting there. That partly made me think he is still torn, partly irritated me. BC I asked last night if I should take the kids somewhere tonight while he loads up his stuff and he said he wouldn't need me to, he didn't have much to do. I do NOT want my kids sitting here watching Dad load up his stuff, esp. when we aren't planning to tell them until Wed. So I called Mom & I am dropping them with her at 4 today after preschool/daycare. I plan to be out all evening too to stay away from here when he comes back. The next question is, I plan to not talk to him at ALL now unless it is a life/death emergency or something with the kids. But we haven't talked about what/how to tell the kids Wed. I am thinking I shouldn't bring it up, he knows he needs to tell them. But I get the vibe he would be happy w/me telling them Daddy is at "work meetings" at night indefinitely while he avoids making the announcement. In fact he had asked me to tell them he had a work dinner tonight to explain his absence, then it's bowling on Tues. and we tell them Wed. Seriously, bowling is more important than telling our kids we are separating? He is so scared to tell them anything is an excuse...So any input is SO needed right now. My only plan is to talk to him not at all.....
