I took S15 over to his Dad's after H and D12 got home from his parent's house. It was late and I was already in PJs but stayed over there for almost 3 hours talking with H. Much of it was superficial until we started talking about church and I told him I went back 3 weeks ago. He wanted to talk about that in great detail and asked me to sit down with him at the kitchen table. You may recall that back in September he asked why I did not go anymore and it stirred up all the anger inside of me and I had little blow up trying to explain that to him. I explained last night that I'd had to work through that but what catapulted me to the other side of it was that I'd gotten to a place where I actually thought I'd wanted to drive my car into oncoming traffic on the interstate. To hear that shocked him and made him a little mad at me, too. I told him not to worry about that anymore as I was through it and was back where I belonged, in faith. He wanted to know what it felt like when I first walked back in 3 Sundays ago. He asked me if I felt self-conscious or unwelcome since I hadn't been since we signed the separation agreement in October 2006. I told him that no it didn't feel that way at all and in fact, I felt relief. He wanted to know the details of that and how it was as I sat in each service. I told him how the words that had been spoken on those first 2 Sundays had been in direct relation to my specific prayers. He asked about yesterdays service. He was staring intently at me the whole time I spoke. I told him I had cried through the first part of yesterday's service. He wanted to know why. He gave me the distinct impression that he was trying to get me to say something specific the way he sat there. I just told him the truth. I said I was crying because I know what I have to do and I know it is going to be hard. He asked why I'd gone again and I said "I went back to finish what I started". I started to cry because obviously I wasn't sure what was happening and I kept expecting the enemy to rise right up in front of me so I spoke that down and told my husband that basically it's his (the enemy's) works that are destroying us individually and as a family and with me out of church he virtually had a free hand and I couldn't watch the results of that any longer so I went back to church because I can't do this alone (didn't mention alanon or any other avenues I'm also taking). It was a good conversation overall and at one point during it he suddenly told me he thinks he's addicted to the percocet. I gently told him I knew that and didn't say anything else. I know by the look in his eyes he understands that I am praying for him. I expect more conversations will occur in the future. It seems to mean a lot to him that I went back to church.
We hugged each other several times last night and he also walked outside with me when I left and we were looking at the full moon and all the stars together and he hugged me again. Maybe in the last 3 weeks that we haven't spoken he missed me too. Because he hasn't hugged me that tightly in quite a while.
but stayed over there for almost 3 hours talking with H. Much of it was superficial until we started talking about church and I told him I went back 3 weeks ago. He wanted to talk about that in great detail and asked me to sit down with him at the kitchen table. You may recall that back in September he asked why I did not go anymore and it stirred up all the anger inside of me and I had little blow up trying to explain that to him. I explained last night that I'd had to work through that but what catapulted me to the other side of it was that I'd gotten to a place where I actually thought I'd wanted to drive my car into oncoming traffic on the interstate. To hear that shocked him and made him a little mad at me, too. I told him not to worry about that anymore as I was through it and was back where I belonged, in faith. He wanted to know what it felt like when I first walked back in 3 Sundays ago. He asked me if I felt self-conscious or unwelcome since I hadn't been since we signed the separation agreement in October 2006. I told him that no it didn't feel that way at all and in fact, I felt relief. He wanted to know the details of that and how it was as I sat in each service. I told him how the words that had been spoken on those first 2 Sundays had been in direct relation to my specific prayers. He asked about yesterdays service. He was staring intently at me the whole time I spoke. I told him I had cried through the first part of yesterday's service. He wanted to know why. He gave me the distinct impression that he was trying to get me to say something specific the way he sat there. I just told him the truth. I said I was crying because I know what I have to do and I know it is going to be hard. He asked why I'd gone again and I said "I went back to finish what I started". I started to cry because obviously I wasn't sure what was happening and I kept expecting the enemy to rise right up in front of me so I spoke that down and told my husband that basically it's his (the enemy's) works that are destroying us individually and as a family and with me out of church he virtually had a free hand and I couldn't watch the results of that any longer so I went back to church because I can't do this alone (didn't mention alanon or any other avenues I'm also taking). It was a good conversation overall and at one point during it he suddenly told me he thinks he's addicted to the percocet. I gently told him I knew that and didn't say anything else. I know by the look in his eyes he understands that I am praying for him. I expect more conversations will occur in the future. It seems to mean a lot to him that I went back to church. 
