I am starting this thread with my last 2 posts from the previous one.
Quote:
I fell apart in church today but it's okay because it was in submission I didn't grasp until I was crying into my hands that that was what was happening. I'm going to do what He's leading me to do and I was crying because I know how hard it's going to be. I've been outside His will long enough (basically the last year) to know that this is the only way for me. Not only me, but for my family. We're in such a mess right now. The alcohol and prescrips along with the financial/mental/emotional results of my husband being out of work for pretty much of the past 8 months due to 2 surgeries mean this isn't going to be anything less than a fight uphill the entire way. That's what got in the way of the progress we were making though - think back to last Christmas when he gave me those two songs. We had began to be so much closer. Then by summer he was down with the first surgery. A month or so after returning to work in September he was out again (and still is). Add to that me wandering off in willful sin and in direct disobedience to the Word and this is the result. Complete chaos. Him spiraling downhill and me hellbent to make myself pay for what I imagined I'd done to my family single handedly. That's actually quite an arrogant concept. That one can be to blame. Would we dare to take all the credit if our marriages were blissful? No. We would know it was a team effort. I have often wondered why we are so willing to pick up the burden of guilt in its entirety... Well I will tell you why, because it serves the purposes of the one that came to kill, steal and destroy THE FAMILY UNIT and when he's got us beaten down, it is oh so easy to wallow. If he can get one of us destroyed, the whole family will fall. The longterm effect of this is once he does it to enough families, the church will fall. Look around these boards and you can see the collective shape of the family in the United States of America as well as elsewhere. The states are about the only thing that is still "united" in this country and that is shaky at best. I'll tell you what I know about guilt and I have said it before. It will take you down farther than you wanted to go and it will keep you there longer than you are willing to stay. I would encourage anyone that might read this to be mindful of this trick and don't fall into it. This is slippery territory because in order to be successful in ANY way with "DBing", it is necessary that we take a good and honest look at ourselves. When we do that in TRUTH, we almost certainly aren't going to like what we see. I know I didn't and it almost destroyed me. Be honest with yourself but don't become your own worst enemy. I did that, too. Know that you can turn everything you've done to contribute to this mess around. You're just going to have to fight for it. And let yourself be CHANGED as opposed to just praying to some magical God that your spouse will be.
I'll be back later to post more about what we talked about in church today.
Faith, in it's biblical definition, it is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.
The broader definition that has so much meaning in my stand - and anyone else that is trying to do it on the Word of God - is that faith is a firm conviction based upon hearing. Based on hearing the Word in it's most basic sense - that Jesus is the Son of God, was crucified and rose again on the third day. That He died for our sins. You must already be convinced of that or at least have a heart open enough to seek the answer for yourself instead of just taking someone's word for it. The bible tells us to try ALL spirits to see if they are of God. And you may "try" God, as well. He welcomes it. At any rate, you're convinced already of something, or you soon will be. The question then becomes, is it going to work FOR you or AGAINST you?
That should occupy anyone that wonders if they have "faith".
So what do we do with it if we know we do have it?
To have faith means you are fully persuaded that God IS who He said He is and that He is a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him. There was a time I had faith but I wasn't "fully" persuaded. That was what led me to quit seeking Him for a while. I can tell you that the result of that is pure havoc and pain that is too much for me to endure alone. After the mountain He walked with me around through my MLC and all that I have seen since He brought me out, how I could walk away is almost a wonder to me today. But I do understand why I did that. I did it out of hopelessness and guilt right after I signed the separation agreement in October of '06 AFTER putting up one hell of a fight for the better part of a year BEFOREHAND. That shook the foundation of my faith more than it could withstand. However, having been handed all the tools of the "trade" so to speak, BEFORE the MLC, I guess that I'd end up where I am today was a given. Ironically, those very same things that caused me to walk away from God -hopelessness and guilt - drove me back to Him 3 weeks ago. Thankfully we are under grace as opposed to the Law, in which case I'd have been burned at the stake a long, long time ago, I promise you.
I have found that the hardest thing to control when standing in faith is my mouth. I STILL have a tendency to speak death sometimes more than I speak life. That is a testimony to my worldly situation though, which looks very overwhelming at times. If I am speaking anything other than life over or about my situation, I am not in faith. I am in my flesh. I'm going to be trying to be there less and less in the coming weeks and months. I am not getting a good head start though as I have already had to bite my tongue more than once today. Well, at least we have a clear "course outline" .
It is our words and our actions that release the power that is behind us as believers. We can either release the power to destroy, which is contrary to God's Word that He WILL RESTORE THE YEARS, and therefore a LACK OF FAITH, or we can speak life and all of the promises God HAS ALREADY GIVEN to those who believe. It is always OUR CHOICE. THAT is the "free will" so many intellectually arrogant people like to harp on. So many people think that to believe in God would weaken them. I am here to tell you, it does exactly the opposite. Faith will make the smallest and quietest person stand up and slap a giant. There's one preacher I heard say "faith will make a tadpole slap a whale". That's a funny image but it is really true. I feel like I'm like that tadpole to be standing against what I'm about to stand against. I have never been a person to take any kind of stand. I've been called to take this one, though. I tried to get out of it and just live my life how I saw fit for the last year but that turned out to be disastrous and my spirit was never at peace. I felt all along that I would have to "go back" but until I'd dug my way down to rock bottom again, I was hellbent to do it by myself. Thank God that part is behind me now.
I am actually anxious now in a good way. Previously the task ahead of me scared me to death. Now though, I find that I am actually looking forward to seeing how God is going to bring about these changes in my family.
Too bad they can't change the date of my membership here and roll my posts back to zero.
Faith, in it's biblical definition, it is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.
Amy, if I may? Look at that again ... faith is substance and faith is evidence. Faith comes from God; we can ask for it and I believe when we do He provides the substance and the evidence by which we grow in trust and by which we believe.
What is the evidence He has given you?
(please note I'm not disagreeing with anything you wrote -- I simply am offering something for you to reflect upon -- some tangible things to remember and to hold on to.)
I took S15 over to his Dad's after H and D12 got home from his parent's house. It was late and I was already in PJs but stayed over there for almost 3 hours talking with H. Much of it was superficial until we started talking about church and I told him I went back 3 weeks ago. He wanted to talk about that in great detail and asked me to sit down with him at the kitchen table. You may recall that back in September he asked why I did not go anymore and it stirred up all the anger inside of me and I had little blow up trying to explain that to him. I explained last night that I'd had to work through that but what catapulted me to the other side of it was that I'd gotten to a place where I actually thought I'd wanted to drive my car into oncoming traffic on the interstate. To hear that shocked him and made him a little mad at me, too. I told him not to worry about that anymore as I was through it and was back where I belonged, in faith. He wanted to know what it felt like when I first walked back in 3 Sundays ago. He asked me if I felt self-conscious or unwelcome since I hadn't been since we signed the separation agreement in October 2006. I told him that no it didn't feel that way at all and in fact, I felt relief. He wanted to know the details of that and how it was as I sat in each service. I told him how the words that had been spoken on those first 2 Sundays had been in direct relation to my specific prayers. He asked about yesterdays service. He was staring intently at me the whole time I spoke. I told him I had cried through the first part of yesterday's service. He wanted to know why. He gave me the distinct impression that he was trying to get me to say something specific the way he sat there. I just told him the truth. I said I was crying because I know what I have to do and I know it is going to be hard. He asked why I'd gone again and I said "I went back to finish what I started". I started to cry because obviously I wasn't sure what was happening and I kept expecting the enemy to rise right up in front of me so I spoke that down and told my husband that basically it's his (the enemy's) works that are destroying us individually and as a family and with me out of church he virtually had a free hand and I couldn't watch the results of that any longer so I went back to church because I can't do this alone (didn't mention alanon or any other avenues I'm also taking). It was a good conversation overall and at one point during it he suddenly told me he thinks he's addicted to the percocet. I gently told him I knew that and didn't say anything else. I know by the look in his eyes he understands that I am praying for him. I expect more conversations will occur in the future. It seems to mean a lot to him that I went back to church.
We hugged each other several times last night and he also walked outside with me when I left and we were looking at the full moon and all the stars together and he hugged me again. Maybe in the last 3 weeks that we haven't spoken he missed me too. Because he hasn't hugged me that tightly in quite a while.
Faith, in it's biblical definition, it is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.
Amy, if I may? Look at that again ... faith is substance and faith is evidence. Faith comes from God; we can ask for it and I believe when we do He provides the substance and the evidence by which we grow in trust and by which we believe.
What is the evidence He has given you?
(please note I'm not disagreeing with anything you wrote -- I simply am offering something for you to reflect upon -- some tangible things to remember and to hold on to.)
I hear you girl.
Thanks.
But it would take me all morning to type out all the evidence I have that this is the right way to go.
Amy here's a quick thought for you to always keep in mind especially when anger, frustration, bitterness and such are dominating your thinking. All those feelings are rooted in fear and when you fear like this you are turning your back upon Faith. You are trying to wrestle control from God.
Faith is the opposite of fear. It's a simple as that yet still a highly complex idea to comprehend. It's one we often struggle with or won't admit to because it means we aren't in control. Turn it over to God, have Faith and you'll find strength and peace.
As for your husband, you having Faith is you supporting him. You might be surprised how you restoring your Faith may in the end help him conquer these demons.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I have been too embarrassed to go to church because my H goes there too. We both converted and were married there. I don't know why he doesn't feel like a hypocrite, but that's not my call.
Kimmie I sat in church for almost my entire MLC. I felt conviction on many occasions. The pew was more like a hot seat at times. Once, my Pastor even pointed directly at me and asked me how long I was going to sit there in rebellion. I continued to sit because in my MLC state of mind I was very self-righteous. What I did not know at the time was that it was an MLC and one day I would come out of it. When I came of it, it was a nightmare to see the destruction to my family caused by my actions over the previous 3 years or so. It was then that I began to realize that as I sat in church all that time, I'd been being given every single tool that I would need to dig myself out of despair and then my longest battle of all, guilt.
Since then I have DBed with the best of them and backslidden in worse ways than you even see across these boards presently. My backsliding got me a separation agreement, at which time I ceased going to church because I lost my hope. A lot has happened in my sitch since then. My husband and I are close now but we are not without problems. Big problems that I knew only One could handle. So I went back to Him.
Before God helps the ones we pray for, He's going to deal with us. That is why I have asked you on more than one occasion to look at your contributions to this current state of your relationship. It is necessary for restoration.
Amy here's a quick thought for you to always keep in mind especially when anger, frustration, bitterness and such are dominating your thinking. All those feelings are rooted in fear and when you fear like this you are turning your back upon Faith. You are trying to wrestle control from God.
Faith is the opposite of fear. It's a simple as that yet still a highly complex idea to comprehend. It's one we often struggle with or won't admit to because it means we aren't in control. Turn it over to God, have Faith and you'll find strength and peace.
As for your husband, you having Faith is you supporting him. You might be surprised how you restoring your Faith may in the end help him conquer these demons.
Thanks for that post, catfan. I appreciate it a lot.
Amy, any time my friend, any time. Just know I'll probably need you to smack me with your 2x4 at some point. ;-)
Honestly once I finally got it in my thick skull the whole idea behind Faith and fear so much became a hell of a lot easier!
If you really look at the DBing and all that Michele is telling us, what she's really saying is to have Faith.
I also told my wife the Faith/fear idea. She admitted to me I was right and she still was full of fear. The great thing from that is she started to go to church again. If that's all that comes of it I will be happy for her and have some peace from it.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
but stayed over there for almost 3 hours talking with H. Much of it was superficial until we started talking about church and I told him I went back 3 weeks ago. He wanted to talk about that in great detail and asked me to sit down with him at the kitchen table. You may recall that back in September he asked why I did not go anymore and it stirred up all the anger inside of me and I had little blow up trying to explain that to him. I explained last night that I'd had to work through that but what catapulted me to the other side of it was that I'd gotten to a place where I actually thought I'd wanted to drive my car into oncoming traffic on the interstate. To hear that shocked him and made him a little mad at me, too. I told him not to worry about that anymore as I was through it and was back where I belonged, in faith. He wanted to know what it felt like when I first walked back in 3 Sundays ago. He asked me if I felt self-conscious or unwelcome since I hadn't been since we signed the separation agreement in October 2006. I told him that no it didn't feel that way at all and in fact, I felt relief. He wanted to know the details of that and how it was as I sat in each service. I told him how the words that had been spoken on those first 2 Sundays had been in direct relation to my specific prayers. He asked about yesterdays service. He was staring intently at me the whole time I spoke. I told him I had cried through the first part of yesterday's service. He wanted to know why. He gave me the distinct impression that he was trying to get me to say something specific the way he sat there. I just told him the truth. I said I was crying because I know what I have to do and I know it is going to be hard. He asked why I'd gone again and I said "I went back to finish what I started". I started to cry because obviously I wasn't sure what was happening and I kept expecting the enemy to rise right up in front of me so I spoke that down and told my husband that basically it's his (the enemy's) works that are destroying us individually and as a family and with me out of church he virtually had a free hand and I couldn't watch the results of that any longer so I went back to church because I can't do this alone (didn't mention alanon or any other avenues I'm also taking). It was a good conversation overall and at one point during it he suddenly told me he thinks he's addicted to the percocet. I gently told him I knew that and didn't say anything else. I know by the look in his eyes he understands that I am praying for him. I expect more conversations will occur in the future. It seems to mean a lot to him that I went back to church. 