It snowed here in the deep south Saturday morning. WAW, 5D, and I played in the snow a bit. Then she offered to let go inside to warm hands after I cleared snow off her car. This was the first time I had been in the house since separation. Her house was a wreck. Things everywhere. Not filthy just messy. Anyhow, we talked...
-she said first and most negative of all..."I don't want you to think you have a chance." ugh, I suppose she could have said it a lot worse and heck not even talk to me. But then I told her things I wanted to in card... -told her decision I have made with regard to my parents and how I was raised and how I do not want 5D to feel like I did/do. It was meaningful to WAW -then it came out card stuff...why I was unhappy for years, illustrated with examples and then how I wanted her to see what was happening when I hollered at her. Told her I was sorry and it never was about you. she then spent a long time telling a story about peoples reaction at work and she has learned she cannot control other peoples reaction -she made mention of "wishing I was just sign" with her head buried to the side...it tells me she is not filing fault. once again, almost unsure. I wonder if I should better illustrate moving on like me looking at houses with 5D. That surprised her. -she has no money/lonely/seems depressed and is shocked at the things I am able to do now. -she said that she has gotten jealous and mad at the things I am able to do for 5D now that I couldn't/wouldn't before. She also said it makes her happy because she cannot provide those things for 5D. -she told me the maddest she has ever been is when I planted flowers, mowed grass, and other chores in one day when we first separated. She also said she thought I had a chance then. -at one point she made mention of money and how she had $30 for the rest of the month and I said, "i really don't know how to respond to that, I'd give you everything I have, but I know you don't want it, I just don't know how to say to that. -I talked about dreams of babies, houses, etc...and how it will always be short with her. she was unsure of her dreams now...I think this is another sign of her being depressed. -at the end of our sit down conversation, i said I really miss my best friend and wished she would just call me sometime to tell me about her day. she said,"I would like that, maybe I'll do that." -tried to leave but she started showing me things in the house. It was like she didn't want me to leave. -she doesn't want things to be awkward. -about the last thing she did, after showing me pictures she had bought and such, was plunder through a box. she found a purse with $2 in it. I opened my wallet and said more than me and she offered me one of the dollars. Somewhere, at this point I slipped and called her sweetheart and she just continued talking, she did not get mad like the last time I slipped and said it.
That's the short version.
I'd like to know...despite the negative, "I don't want you to think you have a chance," I was at her house 2 and half hours. 2.5 HOURS. Positive I would think. I hope she is just confused and will try again one day. She heard and has seen a lot of my changes. I guess she needs time to process now. I also think she needs to be happier before she tries.
Now, I am more confused I guess. I feel like either I am more hopeless than before OR I could ask her to the movies as friends and she would go. Like the extremes are even further apart. I am going to leave her alone for awhile and see if she calls soon. I'd like nothing more than to rebuild our M.
