Hi, I am new to the forum, but I feel I really need to be here. My problems actually began on my honeymoon when my husband told me he feels the need to push me away during ML. However, things didn't get really bad until after my first miscarriage a year later. Many months it was once per month. I complained a lot and things got better for a few months when I got pregnant again. I miscarried again and it has been horrible since. He says it has nothing to do with me and since he doesn't do it on purpose I should be more understanding. I feel trapped, lonely, betrayed, and the anger is just growing and growing. I have told him over and over and over how I feel and even though he treats me great in every other way, I am still angry. I already feel loss over my pregnancies and now I am losing my marriage too. He says he still wants to have kids--don't you need sex for that????
My h was abused as a child and has gone through a lot of therapy, but this problem was unexpected. His past relationships didn't have the problem and he says it is because he actually feels connected to me!! Sometimes I wish he didn't because then we could have a normal relationship. He has said numerous times he would go back to therapy, but he never does. Too embarassed. I feel like I am in a hostage situation. Only it is guilt not shackles keeping me here. He just wants me to be supportive and patient.
Hi...I am new to this forum. I'm sorry if I don't know all the acronyms yet. Here is my story in a nutshell... I've been married to my husband for 10 yrs. I'm 50 and he's 46. We ML once every 3 or 4 months and that is only because I initiate it. When we do ML, it is fantastic...at least for me. He seems to enjoy it. I would like to ML once a week. Instead it is about 4 times a year. He doesn't seem to have any sex drive. Here is the kicker...he is SO affectionate to me. He loves me so much. We hold hands, hug, kiss, say ILY all the time. I love him and desire him all the time. I still want him more than ever. We each have one child from a previous marriage and they are grown and gone. So, we have plenty of opportunity. Instead, there's just a lot of cuddling going on. We sleep like spoons. I am so frustrated but I stopped complaining years ago. I don't know what to do. I don't think he sees me as a woman with desires. I used to pout and then we would fight. He would promise to see a Dr. or go to counseling (which we did before for 2 visits). Nothing changed. I actually went to a lawyer to discuss a divorce but he didn't know that. The thing is...I REALLY love him so much. He is a truly wonderful man and a great husband. It is just this one thing that is not normal. I know he isn't gay. I haven't changed physically in these 10 yrs...meaning I'm the same weight I was when we met. We were hot and heavy for the first few yrs. It has just tapered off until it has become so infrequent. Can anybody help me? I am really hurting. It makes me feel so undesireable. I don't want to live like this but I don't want to live without him either.
Hi...I am new to this forum. I'm sorry if I don't know all the acronyms yet. Here is my story in a nutshell... I've been married to my husband for 10 yrs. I'm 50 and he's 46. We ML once every 3 or 4 months and that is only because I initiate it. When we do ML, it is fantastic...at least for me. He seems to enjoy it. I would like to ML once a week. Instead it is about 4 times a year. He doesn't seem to have any sex drive. Here is the kicker...he is SO affectionate to me. He loves me so much. We hold hands, hug, kiss, say ILY all the time. I love him and desire him all the time. I still want him more than ever. We each have one child from a previous marriage and they are grown and gone. So, we have plenty of opportunity. Instead, there's just a lot of cuddling going on. We sleep like spoons. I am so frustrated but I stopped complaining years ago. I don't know what to do. I don't think he sees me as a woman with desires. I used to pout and then we would fight. He would promise to see a Dr. or go to counseling (which we did before for 2 visits). Nothing changed. I actually went to a lawyer to discuss a divorce but he didn't know that. The thing is...I REALLY love him so much. He is a truly wonderful man and a great husband. It is just this one thing that is not normal. I know he isn't gay. I haven't changed physically in these 10 yrs...meaning I'm the same weight I was when we met. We were hot and heavy for the first few yrs. It has just tapered off until it has become so infrequent. Can anybody help me? I am really hurting. It makes me feel so undesireable. I don't want to live like this but I don't want to live without him either.
Just wanted to give you some support ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
I'm not entirely certain that this is the correct place to begin my first post on DB's. I am a new member and had been posting on another website for the past few months with little feedback. A member of that site suggested I look into DB's and most specifically "sex starved marriage" to gain some insight/support.
First let me start by saying that I am not married but, in a long-term committed relationship. I was married from '81 to '93 to a functional alcoholic and divorced him to save myself and my kids. I spent the time from "93 to '05 working on my career, myself and my children. I only re-entered the dating scene within the last 3 yrs. Went on many "coffee" dates, dinner dates etc. Dated two men within that time for a matter of a few short months and found them to be poor long-term matches and ended both relationships easily. I am not looking for a man to support me or be a "daddy".
All that said, I am now in what I perceive as a long-term committed relationship (14 months). We are living together, in my house and have been doing so for months. When we began dating we shared our thoughts regarding everything we were looking for and appeared to be on the same page. Our sex life was amazing...we liked the same things, were excited by one another, tried new things...this is where the breakdown began. Around the 4th or 5th month together we began to view soft porn(very soft) together to spice things up. How I regret that now. What I viewed as a once in a while tool has become an obsession/addiction for my SO. He no longer wants sex with me, at this point it's been four months since he's even touched me. Prior to this I noticed a sharp decline in his interest...he was no longer initiating, talking about or interested n sex with me. He would refuse my advances with standard statements like, "gotta headache, sore from work, tired, sick...when he ran out of those it became...sad, in a funk, depressed, worried about, money, family issues...the list goes on and on. Throughout this entire time however, he has been masturbating to online porn. I find the evidence on the computer, and other forms of evidence tucked away under the couch, in the hamper, between the cushions. You get the picture.
I feel that sex/intimacy are a neccessary part of a loving relationship. I feel I am of no use to him as a woman. I feel sad, rejected and lonely. Of course I have gone thru many other emotions during these months as well...anger, resentment, frustration...just to name a few.
I need help/advice, please. And yes. I have talked with him, on many occasions. I will elaborate in a future post if asked for futher info and receive a response(s) to this one.
Thanks for reading this and for considering responding.
Hi Numb ..I just now found your post. I will start you your own thread in this forum and copy your post into it and respond....I hope you are still around.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I took a look at this thread, so much that I could only read a few. I'm sorry for being a guy intruding on W-oriented topic. But you were discussing something I haven't been facing up to: my own LD. I'm expecting a lot of negative comments from what I'll say, but I was married for 18 years and the last 5 were completely without sex. There, I've said it. And I know I'm a weirdo. There were so many things that seemed to be going on with me in 2003, I had desire half the time, but I was picking the wrong times and wanted to dive right in. At about that time, my fears of being run out of my federal job by managers who had a personal vendetta against me were full bore because an attempt had been made by them the previous year. And I was starting to have rheumatoid arthritis attacks again. By the next year, my fears about work were calming down somewhat, but I had back problems again and I was gaining weight. Plus, I was still not getting my timing and approach right. The next year, my anger was starting to kick in, along with my selfishness and involvement in other projects. In 2006, it was finances, and renewed fears at work. By 2007, I was giving back to W when I thought she was doing irritating little things to make me angry. I was also feeling something that I now think was depression, based on what my doctor said recently. And I was my lowest in April. The rest of the story is First Month, No Hope for anyone who cares.
Sometimes it seemed like it was hard to love when I was angry. Others, I just felt too worn out to do anything, and that was a lot of the time. I also knew I was fat as a pig, and knew she couldn't possibly like me like that. Sometimes I'd wake up in the midle of the night and get the urge, but I knew that wasn't the right time.
All of you have told me the extent of the damage I've done to my wife, how frustrated, despairing, unwanted, abandoned, and angry she must have felt, to say the least. I'm sorry it had to happen to you. I'm sorry that it may have been worse for her.
Now I'm despairing, because I know there will be no return for her. She has shut off all contact and appeared too self-confident when I last saw her. She may already be in an affair, and I can't blame her. She has to make up for the cruelty she received at my hands. And the worst part is now it's too late for me to try to fix the problem.
Sorry I intruded, but all that you had to say shocked me awake.
Nobody's going to beat you up here, buddy. Everybody here has lived through a sex-starved marriage. Either we were the LD side (that's you, I guess) or we were the HD side (that's me, I guess.)
The catch is that once you start trying to fix things, you find out that the HD side is usually doing something that drives the LD side's desire further down than it already was. None of us are sitting above it all. We all screwed something up somewhere, or we wouldn't be here.
But I'd start your own thread if you want to talk about your marriage. You said it yourself; this one is too huge. You won't get much attention in here.
