Ok guys - here is an absolute keeper of a book "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore", Bob Berkowitz. This book really can help women understand what the possible issues might be with their men. It does have suggestions for change. Here is what it says - 58% of the men who responded to the survey said they watched porn regularly (less than I thought) - Of that group, 72 percent watched 1 to 5 hours per week, 19 percent six to ten hours per week, and 9 percent watched more than 11 hours per week. However, they do not identify pornography as being the primary reason they stopped being sexual with their wives. It might have been the result of marital problems rather than the cause.
The survey was of 4,000 people who self-identified as being in sexless marriages - 33% were men. What were the top few reasons?
She isn't sexually adventurous enough for me 68% She doesn't really seem to enjoy sex 61% I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife 48% I am angry at her 44% I am bored 41% She is depressed 40% She has gained a significant amount of weight 38% I am depressed 34% I no longer find her physically attractive 32% I suffer from erectile dysfunction 30% I lost interest and I don't know why 28%
They went down from there with only 1% of respondents reporting that they were gay and responses 20-25% having to do with porn, masturbation or affairs.
When the issues were discussed in depth they were very complicated for men. Many seemed to be punishing their wives for various things but underlying that were issues of the self esteem or insecurities of the men, issues with their erections or various other things.
I also purchased MWD's new book and both seem to agree that the tie to masculinity, sex, shame etc... is so complex that it isn't an easy thing to just confront. Getting in a man's face is a sure way to induce his anger and cause passive aggressive type behaviors. In fact in a great number of case in the survey book people ended up just living asexually or getting divorced. There were other cases where people were successful. NO ONE was successful by just throwing in some spicy ideas. Everyone had to talk about sex no matter how uncomfortable.
Karen
PS Dom - porn viewing is about sex without responsibility for someone else. It is not so clean a relationship as to be simply about "liking to look and getting off". Experts disagree as to whether it qualifies as an actual addiction but it seems clear that some guys do use it as a substitute for sexuality in their M and some guys do it to a level that causes them to endanger their work lives or marriages or whatever. Addictive viewing at that level is pretty rare as a "reason" for a sexless M.
