We've been married 7 years, have two kids, 6 and 5 years old. We were very much in love when we started but in the first 4 years we suffered 6 deaths in close family incl his mom, serious illnesses, a move, change of work, plus the births of our kids with all the bring along.
March 07 my H started acting distant, I thought it was all because of his work but eventually I asked him what was wrong and I got the usual staff : he loved me but was overwhelmed by the resposnibilities of being a dad and H, he was feeling down, he loved me but didn't know what to do to feel better etc. etc. I tried to be compassionate and understanding. As months went by, he became angry at me. He started saying he didn't think we were compatible, our marriage was a mistake, if it wasn't for the kids he would leave and in general nothing I did seemed to help him, I drove him away.
In Sep-Oct 07 we had a 40 days agreed separation and he came back saying he missed us all three and wanted to try and fix things. 3 weeks later, I asked how he felt and I got the "I can't try, I think I should leave, what do you think?" I said I couldn't force him to stay and he left 3 days later on November 17th.
The first month was terrible, I shouted, I cried, I was falling appart. Harsh words were exchanged, we even got to sending legal papers back & forth regarding the kids and the money. I was mean he was determined.
Then one night I decided I wasn't going to let it go like that. Deep inside me I had faith in us and his love for me. I changed overnight. I stopped crying, I was friendly and easygoing. I started laughing again, enjoying myself, having great time with my kids (who responded well to their mom's change) and I was being generous to him.
A week after that night I sensed him calmer on the phone. The next two weeks we started communicating. He said to our friends he saw the change in me and I remind him of the old me. He is now thinking over what he did and he realised that our problems are not that big,that he knows we didn't have time together at all, and that he is 50-50 to coming back to really make it work.
At that point I came across to Michelles' site and ordered the books. I am based in Greece so I only received the books on Friday 18 Jan. I read the book in one night. Guess what, I have been doing divorce busting techniques without even knowing it.
And so far I saw very positive progress.The latest is that this last weekend he came to our house both days and stayed with us for 4-5 hours each day. Thank God I had read the book on Friday because I would have be asking questions and pushing. I didn't. I stayed calm and cool, was happy he was there but nothing more. My kids loved it and he seemed pazzled. When it was time to leave he looked around our HOME and was getting frustrated. I sensed a "how did we end up here?" thought crossing is mind.
This is where I need your help. Is there anything I could do to help him decide to come home other than what I am doing? He IS a slow thinker, he takes his time, he is working 6 days a week and for the next 4 months he 'll be doing this on 12 hours/day mode. I am sensing he needs some kind of re-assurance, some kind of a positive push, something to actually tell him it WILL work. He is a great father and I know the last thing he wants is to put the kids through hell again now that they started feeling better by deciding without being sure.
Sorry to be posting so much but it is my first post and I had to let you know where we are now and how we got here. Any advice?
Thanks for listening, I would appreciate your tips,
Kalni, The best thing you can do is continue to DB. You must be really good at it that your H noticed so quickly. You are just going to have to be patient. Don't push him to come back too soon, sounds like that happened before and he ended up leaving again. I know this is really hard on you and your kids. My H has been out of the house for almost 3 months. I see a big inmprovement in our R but it still needs a lot of work. Has your H expressed any interest in MC? It sounds like that might be a good option at this point.
Hi Lizzy, thanks for taking the time to read my story and giving me your input.
Believe me it wasn't difficult to make my change obvious to him, I was really loosing it. I mean really. I had been trying for 6-7 months to accommodate his needs and wishes, that when he finaly decided to leave I felt so much anger I couldn't handle it at all.
My family and friends were so afraid of what would happen to me if I kept on like that, that all tried to tell me it was over, that I should just move on. And I did try for the first weeks, with a therapist and all (my kids also because my son was reacting really bad) but every night I felt I was fighting myself and it didn't feel right.
My H is a nice man, it felt as if I was giving up on him too soon. So, when he started noticing, I told him once on the phone "I am feeling better, I stopped fighting myself and our bond. No matter what you do, you will soon realise that you belong with us, in this house which we make a home for our family. We can't throw everything away. I'll wait, I need time to find myself also and when you feel ready, we'll be here". His reaction was almost immediate. And this is where I stand now.
Since Friday I've been reading the Divorce Remedy again & again and I am trying to figure out what to do. No, I can't say our R is much better, but I do see him wanting to be around more, even the phonecalls are lasting longer and all the things he tells our friends that have been asking him why he looks calmer, he knows will get to me. His answer is that "Kalni is calmer, I am happy we have this communication now..., she reminds me of the girl I used to know..., Love definitely exists between us...". We haven't discussed anything about our future yet. So I haven't brought up MC. I do not know if he would be positive.
Do I have to do something now? I guess I am worried that we'll become too civilised and relax in this limbo state for too long. The fact that he is difficult in making decisions is against us. But I definitely do not want to push him.
Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I felt lonely listening to my best friend complaining about her H. I couldn't help it and told her she should be greatful that she had her H by her side.
My H did call me twice at work just to ask how the kids were but nothing more. I noticed he asks about the kids and other staff but never directly about me, how am I doing.
Another week will go by with his hectic schedule and this weekend is his time with the kids, so I guess we will not be seing each other as much as we did the last one.
I am OK with myself but as time goes by I am really wondering if it is actually possible to get things right even if he does decide to come back. Is it? I get more & more detached. Is it normal? I know by now I don't need him, I am sure he feels the same way too. I guess I am getting anxious for some real progress.Can't understand why it takes them so long to figure out what they want, whatever that is...
Tonight he called late and the kids were already asleep. He was upset and said "you should call me sometimes as well, I have been waiting for you to call tonight" (so that he gets to talk to the kids). I said I meant to but forgot (true).
Anyway, I'll try to figure out to do something fun this weekend. See how the rest of the week goes...
Kalni
Me 37 H 37 T 11 years M 7 years S 6 D 5 Separated 11/17/07
Calling your H is a tricky thing even though he has said you can. Just tell him you are trying to respect this time apart and his need to have space. Ask if there is a specific time you should call so that you do interfere w/ his schedule. My H left here late tonight because I was at a meeting. He looked really tired and has a 20 min. drive. I asked him to send a text when he gets there so I know he made it. He said he'll be fine not to worry. I told him I do worry. I'm not sure if I said the right things but I want him to know I do care about his well being.
Good job on the detaching. I was thinking today that I need to work on that more. I wish I could say I don't need him. As for working on things even if your H doesn't come back, you will have to deal w/ him the rest of your life. He is the father of your kids.
I am sorry to hear about your situation but you are in a good place! There are lots of lovely people here who give really good advice.
First off... Your story is very inspiring!! Congratulations on all of your progress already!!!
I would say, you do not need to "do anything" right now. Just keep doing what you're doing. Don't push. Be so, so, so, so, so, patient. Don't push. Be patient. He has to come to you. Have you read the thread, "don't push?" It doesn't sound like your H is in MLC but this may still be relevent:
Thank you so much for your post on my thread! I'll post a reply over there... I am very inspired by your situation, both then, and actually, now, because of all the progress you've made already!
Thanks for you replies. Another lonely day today. He did call a couple of times (to speak to ME) but it didn't last very long. He wanted to know "what's up". Well, not much is up during weekdays and he knows it. He agreed to take the kids to a party on Saturday morning at a friend's house. She is MY friend. She has tried in the past to talk to him and the last time they met for a coffee (2 weeks ago) she said he was actually LISTENING (that is a change believe me). A lot of our friends will be there. See how that goes.
I have to go to sleep now (it's close to midnight here)
Take care everyone, Kalni
PS Someone told me today I look like a teenager again!!!Felt good for a minute or two...
Wow, looking like a teenager! I know that felt great. Someone told me yesterday that I have been looking really good lately(a male) and it did wonders for me. Wouldn't it be nice if our WAS would acknowledge it because unless aliens don't have eyes, they have to see it too.
Hope you had a good nights sleep. Today is another new day!
Hi Kalni...said I would post here, so I will quickly...about your saturn cycles you were asking about...
As you married 7 years ago, Saturn may have been active in the chart of your marriage (its like a birth chart, for the marriage itself!), as Saturn is about COMMITMENT (as in settling down or splitting up...theres always two sides to the same coin in astrology). So, you probs had Saturn active when you married, and now 7 years later, this is the first 1/4 turn of the circle, so Saturn is SQUARING where it was when you married..if that makes sense to you. A square is a right angle, a 90 degree bend, its jarring and offset...its a crisis in your R, and will test it, and see if it can stand the test of time. Saturn is "Old Father Time"...
Not sure what else to add right now, but hope that helps for now. And take heart....HE STILL CALLS YOU !!! So, you are working through it...?
I'll post a reply over there... I am very inspired by your situation, both then, and actually, now, because of all the progress you've made already!