M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Yes, we've been working at it since late-August. I stayed our divorce action and we're trying to work thru our issues. She agreed to end her affair, send the OM a non-contact letter, and to total transparency (changed her cellphone #, with detailed billing on her new phone coming to me, she leaves her cellphone out where I can look at it anytime, etc.). She had one setback, where she contacted OM, but she told me about it, changed her # again, and there's been no contact for the past few months.
It sounds like you are doing well. Don't, however, bring up stories of people who sought counseling prior to a divorce. Your husband will only lash out at you.
I think Chocolateeyes has some very solid points. However, he was the primary income earner in his home and was able to leverage that to make his wife feel the conequences of his affair. He also took a hard-line approach: expose the affair to make it uncomfortable for his wife.
Work on you. Increase your sense of personal power and attractiveness. You have 9 mos.
I am so glad you are posting here! I think you can give a lot of helpful advice on this forum. I am amazed at your strength and dedication to your family.
Then he tells me right away, I haven't seen the OW enough this week ... so he was going to take her out tonight on a date.
I couldn't fathom hearing this from my W!! You handled it so well with your concern about the kids (asking for discretion) and not appearing to let it bother you. Great job Karen.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
Karen, I think Theoden brings up an important distinction. In my situation, I was able to bring some financial pressure to bear that may or may not be applicable for everyone. And reasonable people can disagree about the "confrontation & exposure" techniques taught by Harley, Glass and others. I happen to think they work -- big-time -- and have the not-so-side benefit of helping the betrayed one deal with their own self-esteem and self-confidence.
But the greater point here that I was trying to make is that there needs to be SOME real "pain" brought to bear as consequences for your husband's actions. Like a child who learns to bear with their parents simply YELLING at them, a wayward spouse can quickly learn to tune out the mere disapproval of their betrayed spouse. There needs to be some real-felt consequences for selfish and disrespecting actions like going out on a "date" right in front of you, or e-mailing the OW/OM right in front of you.
I should also point out that even the "confront & expose" approach includes the simultaneous strategies of GAL and "working on you." The idea is to bust the affair and get the wayward spouse into total "no-contact" so that the brain chemicals stop flowing and they are open to receive counseling, your love & meeting of their emotional needs, etc. (think of an alcoholic -- isn't the first thing you do is separate the addict from the source of their addiction? Until the alcohol is out of the house, you can't really work on recovery).
But during it all, it's imperative for the betrayed spouse to make themselves as attractive as possible to the wayward spouse. "Look good and smell good" is what NOP called it. "Shine a path back to the marriage."
I don't think it's an "or" thing as much as it is an "and" thing.
Choc eyes, those are great examples but in my case it's rougher b/c I have a harder time as my H is in a different position than your W: For example:
-he pays for his own cellphone and has his own Blackberry -his family is very supportive of the situation including his parents, they have all had multiple divorces and affairs now (not the situation when we got married 2 decades ago or I would have seen the red flag!) -his employer is his best friend. They are both runners in the same track club as the OW, so if I got involved there, would probably just hasten my divorce which I am trying to prevent. -the kids are disappointed in their dad same as yours. -my H is paying for his own bills same as yours (although I am seeing a lawyer next week cause I am concerned he may be paying too much money on hotel bills because they are both living with spouses so I am looking into that.) -my H already is trying to cut off our relationship, trying to avoid me, kind of like what you did with your wife.
I think he has suffered in the list of things I already posted yesterday. When he went out Sat. night, he spent the night with a woman who neglects her kids (spends 40 hours a week on the affair with my H) instead of with her children and has terrible morals; she is a married woman with kids having an affair with a married man with kids. Instead he could have spent the night with his family who loves him: his kids and his wife who has devoted her life to him and her kids and he chose not to; we watched a movie and had hot chocolate and had a great time without him. I think he lost out myself.
Plus, he is spending 30 hours a week with her (plus texting and calling her) in addition to his 45 hour a week job, so I could be wrong, but I think the courts are not likely to give him much custody at all if we do divorce, and he loves, or used to love dearly our kids anyway, and at some point in the future I can't believe he won't regret losing custody of the children so I think that tops most of your list in the way of consequences for my H. He is a lawyer so I would think he would realize that too...Karen43
