I've decided to be more friendly and outgoing. If you recall I've spent a lot of time 'fearful' of people I don't know and withdrawn.
So when we got there I walked away from W and went around looking for people I might know so I could say hello, get/give hugs. I need hugs. I denied myself these things too long.
In the past I would follow W around as we visited 'her' friends so for me this is a 180.
Eventually I returned to where W was talking to her friend 'S', and 'S' is 'miss sunshine', always happy, always touchy feely. So She gave me a hug and I took the time to 'feel' it and hug back.
During the service the guest singer sang 'I hope you dance' which is a favorite song of W's that she used to play, and tell me how she hoped I could get back to 'old me' who had a zest for my life. During the song I reached over and held her hand and she looked at me and smiled. I only did this for about 10 seconds and then took my hand back.
The service was good, all about allowing the power that God has already given us to manifest itself in our lives.
One of the things that they've been doing before each service is announcing there will be a Valentines 'renewal of vows' ceremony on feb 10th. Every time I hear that it hurts but life is what it is right now.
After the service I left W again to go visit with people I knew. Once again I came back to her to see she was with her friend 'S'. This time 'S' is next to me, puts her arm around me and puts her cheek next to mine and hugs me for several seconds. I don't pull away, instead enjoying the human contact and closeness. I wasn't looking at W, so I don't know if she noticed. Anyway, it feels good to get any kind of contact.
So, I leave again and a few minutes later, looking for W, I see her at the table where they sell tickets to various events they have. I walk up behind her and she is asking the lady about tickets to this 'comedy coffee shop' night and says she's interested in '2 tickets'. I then walk around to her side so she sees I am there. She has her money out, the lady asks her 'two right?' and W looks and me a says "You'll go, right?" and I say "sure, I like comedy!"
We left after that. I was thinking to myself "She was getting tickets so she could go with someone else, but when arrived she HAD to ask me". Crazy thoughts. I talked to Blyndfaith who reminded me that she has had no trouble telling me when she's going somewhere WITHOUT me, so why would I think she buying these tickets if she didn't have the expectation that I would go? For me, it's weird because she didn't ask me ahead of time, she just went and got them. How would she know I would go or not? Why would she buy them if she didn't know, unless she had another plan?
Yeah, I think too much.
On the way home we talked about bills and cash flow. She talked about 'having to be able to pay for her own insurance' and 'being able to pay he rown bills'. Never says 'when I move out' or 'after we're separated'. Yeah, a nit pick but she rarely uses the 'D' word.
So, we're home and she's upstairs in the Bedroom and turns on the stereo and says she's going to 'do some cleaning'. She then starts 'sashaying' around with the music as she picks up stuff. I'm watching because I happen to be there. She see's me watching and gives me a smile.
So, I go an fix a chair in our room and while I'm doing that she takes off her skirt to put on some jeans so she can clean better. She stands on the other side of the room with her back to me and turns around to look at me and I say "Hey, I'm just enjoying the view". She smiles again and puts on her jeans.
I picked up my tools and left the room.
Baby steps? Nah. Just her being weird and maybe looking for some attention, or just random chance I happened to be there and GAVE her attention she wasn't expecting.
She came into my office a little while later and asked me if I could 'give' her $20 so she could take D17 to a movie. I said, jokingly, "You get to take her to the movies but I have to pay?"
She said 'well otherwise I'd go to the ATM and get the money'. I gave her the cash. Of course, movies take credit cards as we know.
Anyway, not reading anything into any of this other than her just being her weird self. I want to say 'oh! oh! baby steps!' but I don't have time to mess with my head any more. I have GOT to get free of the 'need' to have her.
Life is fun. I got 3 GOOD hugs today from 2 different women who are very nice.
I just got off a long phone conversation with my (only) friend of the past 20 years. He's been thinking about the events of late and the events of 2 years ago with my W and while he is able to see that she has some emotional damage from her childhood abuse, he's telling me some stuff that is hard to hear.
He's pretty pissed that she has an attitude that she can move out to find whatever is going to 'make her happy', and expects to leave the kids with me because she doesn't think she could support them, but I can of course.
Me, the 'abusive / drinking when sad / poor provider' who has driven her to the point to where she has to 'move on' will 'take care of them'.
He's pretty blunt with me as only he could be. He said the following to me:
- She seems to think that when life gets bad enough that she is entitled to go and be happy somewhere else. Regardless of how it affects you or your kids lives. You just don't do that unless you are a selfish, self centered person.
- She SHOULD be working to get you guys out of this mess, not working to ADD to the mess by breaking up the family.
- Did she not get anything out of her running away and having an affair 2 years ago? Did she not see what you did to help her through her crap? Is this her idea of what a 'commitment' is after all that? It's a commitment until it doesn't feel good any more?
- She still seems to think there is nothing 'wrong' with being 'friends' with a guy who is married, and texting him? Because it makes her 'feel good?' So it's ok to lead this guy into potentially making a big mistake with HIS marriage too?
- Her friends see her 'pain' and 'suffering' and never ever ask 'How is Frank?' or 'What can we do to help BOTH of you. It's all about her. SHE needs to be saved. Not "She needs to save you both". Just save HER. And don't forget, Frank will 'take care of the kids'.
- She's just a boat anchor, she pulls you down when you are already down. She does things that make HER feel better instead of doing uncomfortable things to help out. Did she get a job? Work on increasing her business? No, she volunteered to be VP of the band boosters instead because it was something she 'needed to do for herself'.
- She 'contributes' somewhat to the household expenses but does she truly have a grasp of what they are? She pays for groceries with 'her money' and pays the health insurance, and 'her' credit card bills.
- Frank defends her too much. The excuses are B.S., she is a selfish loser. Better off without her since you clearly can't trust her to be there when you need her, and she will run to other men eventually to 'feel better'.
- She's never had to be on her own, or deal with the pressures of running a business, paying the big bills. She's always been 'taken care of' and she's fine as long as her comfort zone is maintained. If not, well she will hold out, maybe for a few years, and wait for Frank to fix it, or himself, or whatever. But if it doesn't get fixed she sees herself as a victim, and looks for a way out. And what's her other excuse? "I wanted to leave SOONER but I was afraid I wouldn't be all right WITHOUT YOU, but now I'm OK with that".
He says he can't call my house any more, calls my cell instead. Why? Because he's afraid he'll tell her what a piece of Sh*t he thinks she is for planning to abandon her family and kicking her husband in the gut when he was down because she "is done" and "can't take it". If she couldn't "take it" then why didn't she FIX it?
He says "You're a much bigger man than I am for letting her go see OM 2 years ago so she could screw him, and not kicking her to the curb when she came back and told you that he was her 'Soul Mate'". Yeah, I know she was a mess and you needed to save her from self destructing but look at what it got you.
He's wondering why I don't kick her out now instead of waiting for June to come. What am I protecting the kids from seeing? They will figure it out on their own. He says that she clearly doesn't appreciate what she HAS, only sees what she DOESN'T have and isn't able or willing to do the work to get it with ME, but is ok getting it somewhere else.
I couldn't argue with him, how can I? He's pretty much right and I feel really stupid for, I don't know, not seeing it 2 years ago? Not seeing that her crap is really deep and I've been masking it all this time? I've been fixing it.
I'm not saying that I should have let her go and screw up her life 2 years ago, but I should have seen this, and forced us to stay in counseling so that these issues could be dealt with THEN instead of NOW, when it is too late.
Does she love me? Probably. Does she know how to deal with life? No. What is my level of 'trust' and 'faith' in her? Zero. None.
After talking to him I came home (I was out walking) and she was on the couch talking on the phone to her girlfriend she went out with last night (see previous posts). Comfortable. Happy. Her GF met some guy and maybe was out of her 'slump' finally! Why, "things are looking up for everybody now!" I hear her say.
Life is good. Got a nice car I pay for, a roof over her head, food, heat and a plan to go seek her 'happiness' as soon as she can afford it. Meaning, as soon a 'I' can dig us out of this hole BY MYSELF and afford to support the household without any contribution from her, and as soon as 'she' can increase her income to the point that she is able to afford 'her own place'.
Isn't that great? Things are really looking up for her!
I think 'detaching' has suddenly gotten easier.
Yeah, Frank was in his 'state of mind' the past year but I NEVER thought I could 'just leave' and my life would automatically be 'better'. I ALWAYS thought "How am I going to get out of this place I'm in so my family, my wife, will be better off?".
Any suggestions? I already have ONE from my friend. "Cut your losses."
By the way, does this count as 'Taking care of Frank?'
I'm not gloating or ignoring my shortcomings. I've admitted all my mistakes, take all my responsibilities.
I'm crying inside because I know that somewhere inside her, just like me, there is good person who copes with bad times poorly. Everyone will tell you what a great mom / friend / whatever she is. And their right. She's just a sh*tty WIFE and PARTNER and is willing to run from that so she can feel better.
I guess the difference is that with a little help I get up again and fight another day. And with no help I survive and keep going until I CAN get up again. I don't run away. I just don't.
I'm going to bed now. I think I'm going to be crying a lot tonight. I hope I don't wake her up, she needs her sleep.
I really wonder if she knows what I need? I feel so sorry for her.
Other than dig myself out of the financial and emotional mess I'm in, I really don't know what I want to do with HER. I guess I'll just follow the '24 hour rule' and do nothing.
Maybe I'll E-Mail her the last post so she can see how bad she looks. Nah, that would be spiteful.
ok, anything that makes you think or overthink about her is stopping you from doing what needs to be done. if this is going to give you acceptance and allow you to detach from her emotionly, then ok cool. but don't spend a whole lot of time thinking about it/grieving about it, because it doesn't change your goal. you are giving her way to much energy, energy that would be better spent on yourself. why are you still robbing yourself of the energy and commitment that you need to take care of yourself? you know that is what you need to do, you have told me yourself. accept things for what they are, take care of yourself, and embrase whatever is there on the other side.
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
I think you good friend is somewhat correct in his analysis. The only problem is it fits anyone who is a WAS.
Self-centered Damgaged No moral compass
So what's new?
The only thing I see from this analysis is that you are thinking, "Wow, she's really a burden, I probably need to dump her." It's making you mad. Its making you feel used.
I liked hearing about your weekend. You were not trying to be anything, you just opened yourself to receiving love and being joyful. You were having fun.
I think you figured out what needs to be done:
1. Work on yourself. 2. Detach. 3. Be cordial and kind. 4. Do what you feel is authentic, not what will seemingly get a result.
In 6-9 months the situation will look like this:
1. You will have gotten back your groove and passion for life. 2. You will be in a financially stable place. 3. Your wife will either have moved towards you, or will be involved in another affair. (I don;t see her in stasis for long) Regradless of what she chooses, you will be the one to make an informed decision from a place of stength.
you are giving her way to much energy, energy that would be better spent on yourself. why are you still robbing yourself of the energy and commitment that you need to take care of yourself? you know that is what you need to do, you have told me yourself. accept things for what they are, take care of yourself, and embrace whatever is there on the other side.
Yeah, I agree with this observation. Here's an interesting thing from last night. W got up about 2 am and went to the guest bedroom to sleep. I got up and went to see what was up with her. She said she couldn't sleep with me because there was too much 'disruptive energy' in the room. She said it's hard to sleep when she can 'feel' that I was agitated about something.
I didn't say anything, just 'ok, well good night'. No apology, no attempt to 'coax' her to come back to bed.
This morning she is somewhat 'annoyed' with me for whatever reason. I stayed 'decent' in my attitude.
She sure does 'react' when she can feel me pushing her away.
I know that my friends 'list' is all about what she is doing 'wrong' and I know that she has her list of grievances that are part of her 'list' of why she is doing what's good 'for her'. This isn't a contest to see who is 'more wrong' or 'bad'.
I try and try to see her point of view, which is one where it is really easy to blame myself for everything, but when I listen to my friend and think about the issues he raised I just can't look at MYSELF objectively and see myself as such a 'bad' person that she can choose to do what she is doing when she 'claimed' to love me and to 'know what commitment means' after her affair and counseling.
I don't WANT to be angry but it's creeping in slowly because I just can't dispute the arguments against her CHARACTER any more. I can look at her and see that sweet girl I know, and she'll even be that person sometimes. But the more I think about it turning around some day, the more I feel like I will not be able to trust her ever again, which is probably what she feels about me.
Maybe 'Real Growing and Healing' means growing to the point to where I don't need to have her around so I can constantly be 'fixing' either her, or me. Healing me will make that possible.
Frank, I'm going to be honest with you that I am on a fence about your wife. In so many ways she reminds me of myself before my MLC (financial ignorance, self-centered, narrow-minded, etc) and I know that the only time I started getting half a clue was after Jeff left and I had to just do the LITTLE things on my own on my 30 hour week/$10 an hour paychecks. Taking care of two kids, keeping them fed, gas in the car, car payment and insurance paid was IMPOSSIBLE and that began to open my eyes to all he'd done alone for so many years while I did next to nothing and hid behind the "I'm raising the kids" crap. THAT part of me would love to see you show your wife to the front door TODAY because I know that getting a taste of the real world had a profound effect on my appreciation for my husband.
On the other hand, I am concerned about several of the people your wife runs with and I don't think it would be a good idea to send her out to the wolves. Telling you that goes against everything in my gut but something in my spirit says "DON'T DO IT". I've got to go with my spirit on this one so just freeze, continue to enlighten YOURSELF and your behaviors will change and it is a given that hers will eventually as well. Wherever those changes lead the two of you, you can then decide together.
*I don't know where the heck this idea just came from but is she trying to go on another trip anytime soon? Don't foot the bill.
On the other hand, I am concerned about several of the people your wife runs with and I don't think it would be a good idea to send her out to the wolves. Telling you that goes against everything in my gut but something in my spirit says "DON'T DO IT". I've got to go with my spirit on this one so just freeze, continue to enlighten YOURSELF and your behaviors will change and it is a given that hers will eventually as well. Wherever those changes lead the two of you, you can then decide together.
I feel the same way. The 'protector' in me doesn't want to give her the 'boot' or rock that boat right now. Just bide my time till June when school is out. What's that amount of time really worth to me in the grand scheme of things anyway? Best to 'gift' it to her and the kids in the interest of sanity.
As far as her 'friends', they are not 'bad people'. They are people who, as Theoden said in a previous post, are not 'marriage supporters who would take an interest in our MARRIAGE and kick us in the butts for not fixing things'. With one exception, they are all single, two are divorced. One of them regrets the divorce since she sees her husbands success over the years.
The married couple are the ones who teach the Hawaiian Massage classes and they are 'new age' all the way and having some issues in their relationship now that, in their 40's, they decided to have kids. The W doesn't want to travel any more to do the teaching, she wants another kid, and wants to pursue her own interests instead of doing what he is interested in - teaching massage. The H has lost his 'partner' who did all the business work and other arrangements for these trips. Now he has to buck up and do it himself.
Anyway, I would imagine that if I 'booted' her it would only give more validation that 'Frank is an emotional mess, better off without him'. And you know, I am starting to feel better about myself. Partly because I can 'see' all these things about HER lately that I have been absorbing / fixing / fearing for so long. I once told her that I didn't want to be 'afraid' of her leaving. She said she wouldn't leave me no matter what. I was still afraid.
I guess I'm still processing a lot of these feelings.
Quote:
*I don't know where the heck this idea just came from but is she trying to go on another trip anytime soon? Don't foot the bill.
No, she isn't. And she wouldn't have the nerve to ask me for $$ if she was.
just to clarify, the early December trip to the massage retreat was actually free because the couple who teach it needed a babysitter for their 3 year old kid and they offered her a deal to go. So she was 1/2 time with the kid and 1/2 time part of the classes.
The marching band's Rome trip was planned 9 months ago when we had every expectation that our companies litigation with AT&T who were disputing billings to them was going to be a 'slam dunk' since they had lost a similar case in the past. So it wasn't a 'we can't afford this' and it was broken down into several payments. In the end her Grandmother kindly loaned us the remaining money so she and D17 could go.
We didn't skip paying house bills so they could go, we borrowed money that we don't have to pay back right away. I just wanted to be clear about that.
