I just got off a long phone conversation with my (only) friend of the past 20 years. He's been thinking about the events of late and the events of 2 years ago with my W and while he is able to see that she has some emotional damage from her childhood abuse, he's telling me some stuff that is hard to hear.
He's pretty pissed that she has an attitude that she can move out to find whatever is going to 'make her happy', and expects to leave the kids with me because she doesn't think she could support them, but I can of course.
Me, the 'abusive / drinking when sad / poor provider' who has driven her to the point to where she has to 'move on' will 'take care of them'.
He's pretty blunt with me as only he could be. He said the following to me:
- She seems to think that when life gets bad enough that she is entitled to go and be happy somewhere else. Regardless of how it affects you or your kids lives. You just don't do that unless you are a selfish, self centered person.
- She SHOULD be working to get you guys out of this mess, not working to ADD to the mess by breaking up the family.
- Did she not get anything out of her running away and having an affair 2 years ago? Did she not see what you did to help her through her crap? Is this her idea of what a 'commitment' is after all that? It's a commitment until it doesn't feel good any more?
- She still seems to think there is nothing 'wrong' with being 'friends' with a guy who is married, and texting him? Because it makes her 'feel good?' So it's ok to lead this guy into potentially making a big mistake with HIS marriage too?
- Her friends see her 'pain' and 'suffering' and never ever ask 'How is Frank?' or 'What can we do to help BOTH of you. It's all about her. SHE needs to be saved. Not "She needs to save you both". Just save HER. And don't forget, Frank will 'take care of the kids'.
- She's just a boat anchor, she pulls you down when you are already down. She does things that make HER feel better instead of doing uncomfortable things to help out. Did she get a job? Work on increasing her business? No, she volunteered to be VP of the band boosters instead because it was something she 'needed to do for herself'.
- She 'contributes' somewhat to the household expenses but does she truly have a grasp of what they are? She pays for groceries with 'her money' and pays the health insurance, and 'her' credit card bills.
- Frank defends her too much. The excuses are B.S., she is a selfish loser. Better off without her since you clearly can't trust her to be there when you need her, and she will run to other men eventually to 'feel better'.
- She's never had to be on her own, or deal with the pressures of running a business, paying the big bills. She's always been 'taken care of' and she's fine as long as her comfort zone is maintained. If not, well she will hold out, maybe for a few years, and wait for Frank to fix it, or himself, or whatever. But if it doesn't get fixed she sees herself as a victim, and looks for a way out. And what's her other excuse? "I wanted to leave SOONER but I was afraid I wouldn't be all right WITHOUT YOU, but now I'm OK with that".
He says he can't call my house any more, calls my cell instead. Why? Because he's afraid he'll tell her what a piece of Sh*t he thinks she is for planning to abandon her family and kicking her husband in the gut when he was down because she "is done" and "can't take it". If she couldn't "take it" then why didn't she FIX it?
He says "You're a much bigger man than I am for letting her go see OM 2 years ago so she could screw him, and not kicking her to the curb when she came back and told you that he was her 'Soul Mate'". Yeah, I know she was a mess and you needed to save her from self destructing but look at what it got you.
He's wondering why I don't kick her out now instead of waiting for June to come. What am I protecting the kids from seeing? They will figure it out on their own. He says that she clearly doesn't appreciate what she HAS, only sees what she DOESN'T have and isn't able or willing to do the work to get it with ME, but is ok getting it somewhere else.
I couldn't argue with him, how can I? He's pretty much right and I feel really stupid for, I don't know, not seeing it 2 years ago? Not seeing that her crap is really deep and I've been masking it all this time? I've been fixing it.
I'm not saying that I should have let her go and screw up her life 2 years ago, but I should have seen this, and forced us to stay in counseling so that these issues could be dealt with THEN instead of NOW, when it is too late.
Does she love me? Probably. Does she know how to deal with life? No. What is my level of 'trust' and 'faith' in her? Zero. None.
After talking to him I came home (I was out walking) and she was on the couch talking on the phone to her girlfriend she went out with last night (see previous posts). Comfortable. Happy. Her GF met some guy and maybe was out of her 'slump' finally! Why, "things are looking up for everybody now!" I hear her say.
Life is good. Got a nice car I pay for, a roof over her head, food, heat and a plan to go seek her 'happiness' as soon as she can afford it. Meaning, as soon a 'I' can dig us out of this hole BY MYSELF and afford to support the household without any contribution from her, and as soon as 'she' can increase her income to the point that she is able to afford 'her own place'.
Isn't that great? Things are really looking up for her!
I think 'detaching' has suddenly gotten easier.
Yeah, Frank was in his 'state of mind' the past year but I NEVER thought I could 'just leave' and my life would automatically be 'better'. I ALWAYS thought "How am I going to get out of this place I'm in so my family, my wife, will be better off?".
Any suggestions? I already have ONE from my friend. "Cut your losses."
By the way, does this count as 'Taking care of Frank?'
