I've noticed a sort of droopy feeling lurking around the edges of my euphoria the last few days. This morning I sat down and tried to get to the root of it. I think it's this:
Looking over the last 5.5 years with bf-- even though I don't think the R was a mistake and good things DID come from it-- I need to allow myself to grasp the lost years, the bu11sh!t I put up with, the stuff I endured (including a bout of shingles!), the constant effort and struggling, the trying to talk myself into it, the pumping myself up with hope, the messy messy house, the arguments, the edgy rude tone of voice he used so much, the LACK OF SEX, the hardship of dealing with his crises one after the other. I put myself and let myself be put through THE WRINGER!!
So many feelings come up when I really remember... ANGER at him and myself, I want to slap myself in the head like the "I coulda had a V-8" commercial, a feel sad for the part of me that needs caring and affection that I denied her and tried to talk her into believing that crumbs could be mashed together into a real cake. The early days of drinking were unbearable, but I BORE THEM! And even after he stopped drinking, I would lie in bed 90% of nights and feel sad because he sat up watching TV.
I tried to tell myself I wasn't feeling bad, or it wasn't that bad, or it would get better, or it WAS getting better... and I was dying inside. Starving. Melting. Fading away.
This broken ankle "gave me a break" that I needed and enabled me to "break" with the past. Sometimes the unconscious just takes over and drives the bus. It's a good thing.
DISCLAIMER: I believe things happen for a reason, so I'm not lamenting the R. I do recognize the good things in this R, but I've spent the last 5.5 years focusing on them. It's time for me to flush out my feelings about the constant barrage of bad things that I put up with!
I really don't think BF is nosing around. Our life together is exactly the same as it has been for the past couple of years with the exception of sleeping in the same bed and my expectations of boyfriend behavior.
To you. To him, something has radically changed and he knows it. So do you.
I'm definitely an anchor point in his life. I'm a rock solid foundation. I'm possibly the only really sane adult he's close to. This is okay with me as long as we're not bf/gf.
Like I said somewhere, it will be interesting to see how he reacts if and when another man enters my life.
Tomorrow his mom goes for her first followup scan after her chemo. God, I hope it's not bad news. I hope she shows some improvement, or at least that the cancer isn't worse.
I suppose this is where friendship rubber meets the road. For both of you. Do not be so nonchalant. You care and you do not, but caring makes you vulnerable to getting sucked back in. Wolves cut it off. They know when to break ties and move on. You are not a wolf. Tho you are glad to be away.
Lil the stuff I endured (including a bout of shingles!), Lil, you posted a link on SSM, to an old thread you had a long time ago on another forum. I clicked on the link and even went back to when you had the shingles.
Comparing that person to the person I am reading about today, I see a woman in a lot better frame of mind.
I tried to tell myself I wasn't feeling bad, or it wasn't that bad, or it would get better, or it WAS getting better... Yes, I remember many post like that.
This broken ankle "gave me a break" that I needed and enabled me to "break" with the past. It gave you a reason to be selfish or really a reason to do some self care.
I suppose this is where friendship rubber meets the road. For both of you. Do not be so nonchalant. You care and you do not, but caring makes you vulnerable to getting sucked back in. Wolves cut it off. They know when to break ties and move on. You are not a wolf. Tho you are glad to be away.
Quote:
So now maybe... you might understand all this bouncing around I'm doing.
Sorry, corri, but this is what I mean by cryptic.
What do you mean by "friendship rubber meets the road"? Do you mean that it is challenging to remain friends with someone after you've been or tried to be lovers? If so, I agree with this, and in fact, this is the first time I've ever continued a friend R with someone with whom I've been in a Relationship. But what do you mean "where the rubber meets the road"? I don't get where you're going with that. Do you mean our friendship will be tested?
What do you mean by "don't be so nonchalant"? (which means "indifferent or unconcerned") Do I seem unconcerned about whether or not he will want to get back together as bf/gf? As if I don't care one way or the other? Frankly, I do NOT see that happening. The sex thing alone is a major obstacle. It would be a complete break from who he is to approach me and ask for such a thing. I can't think of one time when he spontaneously extended himself to me (pun intended). So do you mean something different from that?
You say "you care and you don't." I absolutely care about him. I have great compassion for him and I admire the fact that he is still alive and mostly sane given all of the life challenges he has endured and overcome. But I DO NOT care for him as a lover. I'm sure of that. I can finally admit it to myself. Do you think I can get sucked back in to a romantic R, or are you thinking of something else?
Re wolves (and frankly, I'm not into all of the animals): In the past I've always broken off the R and had NO interest in seeing the other person ever again. This goes for girlfriends I've broken up with, too. He's different because we share these dogs, because he LIVES NEXT DOOR, and because I want to stay in his daughters' lives. And because we have many interests in common as long as we stay away from love and sex. So I guess I generally am a wolf, but this time I'm a puppy? My quality of life would not improve if I broke off all contact with him. But my quality of life has improved tremendously since I have broken off romantic contact.
As far as you being all over the place, it's just that the way you write is like a connect the dots game without the dots connected. I like to have the dots connected for me because there are many ways to misunderstand someone and only a couple of ways to get it right. I really want to understand what someone is telling me about themselves or about me. So if you don't want to connect the dots, at least put the dots closer together, so I can't connect the wrong dots to each other.
That cryptic enough for you?
P.S. And, no, my sitch doesn't give me ONE CLUE about why you're bouncing all over the place, but if you see a connection, I'd love to know what it is. It sounds very interesting, but I cannot make the leap from dot to dot without you filling in the blanks for me.
It gave you a reason to be selfish or really a reason to do some self care.
This is very insightful, Lou. This is exactly what the broken ankle did. And it was emphasized because bf was not on the spot to help me out much, partly because of his mom and partly because he is who he is... he was available, but in a limited way.
Maybe this is just some penduluming (sp?). You made a huge decision (even if you did almost literally fall into it), and there's a big (for lack of a better term) emotional adrenaline surge associated with it. Maybe that just wore off ....
I dunno if this is what Corri meant, but you seem like such a loving, giving, serve-others type of person .... you could get "sucked back in" to *more* of a relationship with xbf than you really want, especially if his mother takes a turn for the worse and he really starts to lean on you. Whether or not it tends toward the romantic again, it could monopolize time you might better use for *really* GAL and moving on....
.... your choice, of course.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
You are one of the most caring people on this board that I know. I am glad you have moved on. But you are not impervious to xbf. He lives next to you, and his mother is dying.
Something is going to kick left here, soon.
And yes, I am afraid, for all your strong talk, you will go with it.
