I've noticed a sort of droopy feeling lurking around the edges of my euphoria the last few days. This morning I sat down and tried to get to the root of it. I think it's this:
Looking over the last 5.5 years with bf-- even though I don't think the R was a mistake and good things DID come from it-- I need to allow myself to grasp the lost years, the bu11sh!t I put up with, the stuff I endured (including a bout of shingles!), the constant effort and struggling, the trying to talk myself into it, the pumping myself up with hope, the messy messy house, the arguments, the edgy rude tone of voice he used so much, the LACK OF SEX, the hardship of dealing with his crises one after the other. I put myself and let myself be put through THE WRINGER!!
So many feelings come up when I really remember... ANGER at him and myself, I want to slap myself in the head like the "I coulda had a V-8" commercial, a feel sad for the part of me that needs caring and affection that I denied her and tried to talk her into believing that crumbs could be mashed together into a real cake. The early days of drinking were unbearable, but I BORE THEM! And even after he stopped drinking, I would lie in bed 90% of nights and feel sad because he sat up watching TV.
I tried to tell myself I wasn't feeling bad, or it wasn't that bad, or it would get better, or it WAS getting better... and I was dying inside. Starving. Melting. Fading away.
This broken ankle "gave me a break" that I needed and enabled me to "break" with the past. Sometimes the unconscious just takes over and drives the bus. It's a good thing.
DISCLAIMER: I believe things happen for a reason, so I'm not lamenting the R. I do recognize the good things in this R, but I've spent the last 5.5 years focusing on them. It's time for me to flush out my feelings about the constant barrage of bad things that I put up with!
