Hmmm. I think I need to speak up here, as I've been investigating this whole 'porn' thing.
With my xbf... frequency of sex was never an issue. You have to step away from 'sex' and 'porn' in the same sentence. They are NOT the same, even if a person is MBing to it. It may 'affect' your sex life, but the lack of sex on this side, has nothing to do with the amount of 'use' over on that side.
If anyone is has 'porn' in their life, and they think it might be interfering with something, they really should check out http://www.no-porn.com
Porn, like alcohol or drugs, can become an addiction. But it really has nothing to do with sex, but more as a way of... medicating underlying pain. And I can tell you, I GET that one.
Porn becomes a method of self-comfort, a way of soothing insecurities, lack of intimacy, lack of security, with one's self, with one's outside world... there is something going on, on the inside, that is hurt.
Sometimes, people cannot face the hurt to fix it. I know of this very well. VERY well. I personally think Choc's wife is going through this. There are things that everyone here on this board is witnessing about me, that makes me seem off, that makes me seem on the 'edge,' because they are parts of me I have NEVER constructively dealt with, learned how to express... learned how to take 'control' over. I am like a ping pong ball, bouncing around in a room of endless ping pong paddles and tables.
I could very easily go and drink all away... take AD's, pain killers... lots of things. Some people's drug of choice is porn... simply because you find release, without accountability.
It is a short-term, easy fix... until it isn't. Until you need more and more and more to find the easy fix. Then your world begins to spiral.
As with AA... ANY behavior that is used to cover up and numb feelings and issues... is an addiction. Endless sex partners can BE an addiction. Endless laughing can be an addiction (look at all the comedians who have committed suicide).
You cannot draw a boundary on this behavior, except to say... I won't do this with you. If YOU want to go do it.. okay... I don't care... but I'm not going to stand here and watch you while you do it.
But saying that takes knowing yourself, and what you will and won't accept. Often times, that will come into direct conflict for your FEELINGS for the other person, and how bad you will feel if they are no longer there... how it might affect your kids, your friends, family... life....
We get so caught up in the trickle down effect, we can't look at the other person and say... 'nope. not doing this.' We seldom look at the trickle down effect of backing off that boundary, because it isn't so immediately clear. So WE back off... 'I think I could learn to accept them for who they are... what they do... for the sake of the kids, the R, whatever... and we NEVER have any idea of how debilitating that one simple decisions seems to be...
I have a very high level of tolerance for porn. I enjoy it myself. But I can pick it up or leave it in a blink of an eye. Where it becomes... repulsive to me is when the lying begins. It turns it into something very, very, very ugly for me, and sets off for me all kinds of ugly, horrid feelings, rememberances, bad feelings.... And I don't respond well to it, or the person involved. Porn, in and of itself... not a problem. It is what a person does with it.
So, I would encourage you to examine where your own boundaries are on this issue... state them, loud and clearly... and HOLD TO THEM, regardless of how you feel about the person. You are NOT your feelings. They are a part of YOU. You manage them in any other way you manage your life. I say that knowing full well that saying it is not as easy as doing. Doesn't even come close.
I have a saying, that sits on my refrigerator: "How bad do you want IT?" IT being whatever I decide "IT" is going to be for the day. I go from there. Some days, I do well. Other days... fck, I just fall flat on my face. But "IT" defines my baseline boundaries... and I have to decide, day in and day out, what violates that... regardless of my feelings.
