JOHN210(AKA the angry LBS or SOB)

[john210]

Losing custody rights to D7 would kill me. I will definately consult a lawyer before making any physical move.
I also believe that children need both parents. Unfortunately my W does not think that is very important right now. She has other priorities.
Quite honestly, I think that me and my family (parents, sister etc.) have much better values than my wife and her .........well let'S just keep it at her familly or people will say that I am angry.
One day if someone thinks it is pertinennt for me to describe in one sentence each member of my wife's family....you will not believe it. Come to think of it, perhaps it would shed a little light on who she is. I always held on to the belief that my W was different. Although I love her still, I have to admit that she did not get too much help developing values.

[john210]

Hello all,

Well the day started off badly with W telling me again it was over. I tried to remain calm but when she began speaking about divorce and announcing it to D7 and that she wanted to be free to pursue her career and not have to answer to anybody...buy her own place etc. etc. etc. ,,,,,.......well I kind of lost it. I told her she had been dishonest with me and that was not acceptable in my books. I added that it was normal with the upbringing she had and the people that surround her (MIL BIL SIL et all) it is normal for her values to have eroded to a point where she is unrecognizable. Unfortunately, I added a few other choice words mostly regarding her mother and their dishonesty towards me this past week. I asked her how she could look at herself in the mirror. She answered that she was a good person and I countered with a we don't have the same definition of good. Where I come from good people don't do what you did. Incidentally she continues to deny any OM but almost admitted that she was not where she said she was last week. More to come......

[john210]

Spent the afternoon yesterday with some old friends watching football and just shooting the proverbial manure. It really brought back good memories. My 3 best friends were there a couple of wives....all in all a wonderful afternnon that made me realize that there are good people who care about me out there and that my W is not oxygen.
While i was there (before everyone showed up), i got on the laptop to check my e-mails and low and behold W had sent me links to legal separation stuff and how to announce to your kids......Needless to say I was not amused and did send her an e-mail saying i am glad you are moving so quickly and enjoying yourself. She answered that she was having a very difficult time with this contrary to what i thought. I decided to get off my hosts computer and quite honestly forgot about my sitch for a couple of hours.
When I got home my stepdaughter told me that wife had been very emotional all afternon.....W left to sleepover at other stepdaughter'S apt. since she had a very early appt. this A.M. i received a text message from her at 10 asking me how I was which I decided to ignore. I guess she was thinking about me but if she really needs to know how I am, he phone still works at home. I have made a decision to only answer messages that concern the kids, legal or house matters or an emergency. I will not respond to how are you and I miss you any longer. It is time for me to move to LRT.
Getting back to yesterday, she would like me to continue to help pay the bills until the house is sold. Also since I do all the internet banking she wants me to continue that. In esence it is status quo other than the fact that I am moving in with my parents. She already had the MIL pencilled in for Sunday night babysitting duties. I told her that i woud leave when i am ready and that our D7 is my #1 priority.

Phone just rang and it is her asking how I am.

More news after our talk scheduled for this evening.

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

I feel your pain, john <said in my best Bill Clinton drawl>. But don't let that pain control you. Slipping into darkness solves nothing. LRT is LAST RESORT. You haven't made it to first option, none the less last resort. She want's to share an intimate momment (her difficulty and your feelings) and you shut her down. She reaches out with TM, you reject her. (I'm ok with ignoring the links email). She want's you involved (banking) and you take offense.

I know these decisions of yours come from the hurt you are feeling - but to an outsider like me, they come across as bitter [I know from your other postings you're leaning towards having this work out - so I know you are not bitter] ... but you have to stop this illogical, counterproductive behavior - that is if you are in with both feet toward working on saving the M. But I still sense you are on the fence.

I'll say it again, john - sorry to beat a dead horse. Are you in or out?

[john210]

Phil,
Nice to hear from you...where were you this weekend when i needed you?

Let me try to answer point by point:

Am I in or not? Yes I am in, but she wants me out....I don,t give you the word for word conversations but it is obvious she wants me to move out. I told her lovingly, calmly that I am still committed to her and our family and still got the freedom talk.
This is why I think I need to move out and give her space.

I am tired of TMs...you want to reach out, do it in person or on the phone.

Honestly Phil, I don't see this illogical counterprodcutive behaviour you allude to. Am I bitter? You know what I am disappointed that it has come to this...lies and a potential A. Am I bitter? No. I told her I would be willing to overlook and work throgh anything that may have happened. Phil, trust me this is not my usual "nature". I can't believe I feel this way. She is not responding.
Put me back on track because the train is probably leaving tonight.

[BobbiJo]

Hope I am not "hijacking" here, as they say, but I am in a similar situation except my H is actually moving into an apt. today. So if you want to work it out, you should respond when they reach out?? But I have also heard that you should not always be available when they want something from you, that you make yourself "too available" when you do that. So could you offer John & I and others who may wonder advice IWannaMakeItWork?
How do you know when you are simply showing support to your spouse and when you are making yourself too accessible? If you always respond, don't they know they can do what they want and you will be there waiting?

[fb2]

John, Some positives: she has not filed D yet, she's still in the house. You've got to have nerves of steel now given you've got sand thrown in your face. Easier said than done but you have to start small and taste your success a moment at a time.

Validate/acknowledge her feelings and points of view (you don't have to agree or take literally anything she says and she will say a lot of cr*p). Ironically the more you show how hurt, resentful, committed or desperate you are the more she'll bite you. So when you feel this way and are loosing it get away for a while. Don't expect any understanding from W of your feelings. I would read the entire DR chapter on Step 5 and the section on Infidelity again and see what else you can do before you decide to move out or apply the LRT. Try to work on yourself for what you can change that she dislikes.

Calmly protect yourself and do not cave in on financial and legal matters by seeing a lawyer, etc.

[nutfarmer]

I told her that i woud leave when i am ready and that our D7 is my #1 priority.

Um, why would you leave if she is the one who wants out? The conventional wisdom I've seen on these boards is that the Walk-Away Spouse should have to walk away. Also by moving out you might be giving her the upper hand in any divorce proceedings. You would want to consult an attorney about that.

[john210]

Why would I leave? Very good question. Well because I am a sap and it is easier for me to leave. You see I can move into one of my parent's apts. without it costing me much. She on the other hand has nowhere to go. Yes I am making it easier for her but it is the only way we can pay for two different places. I am still going to see D7 every weekend. What can I say, trust me if I could stay I would.
There is a sucker born every minute. I wrote the book.

[Jen1967]

John,

Please don't move out. You are unbelievably hurt. But you deserve to live in your house. Can you move into a guest bedroom? Can you live "separately" in your house?

Mine moved out with no warning, was having an affair he wouldn't admit to for almost 4 months. My initial reaction was like yours, shocked, unable to function, mad, hurt, etc. I couldn't eat, sleep, thought I couldn't go on. None of this can be rushed. Your emotions will run the course at the speed they are intended to experience them. But please don't make rash decisions while you are feeling this emotional.

You already said you want the M. Don't think there is no hope. She is saying a lot of things that sound to me it is hopeful.

In the meantime, do you know what the main complaint is that she has of you? Trust me, in no way am I blaming her horrible behavior on you. What I'm saying is, try to change that one thing without saying you're doing anything. Try to focus on diffusing the anger. If you have the money, invest in one of the phone coaches here. They are worth it. (Cheaper than a L.) Mine is Jody and she's phenomenal.

When you are ready, you will find the phrases "I understand how you feel," "I'm sorry you feel that way," and "I need to think about it." will come in real handy to allowing her to feel safe to open up and admitting to things. There's no reason huge life-altering decisions need to be made in the heat of anger, or when your spouse puts you on the spot with a question. Just say you need to think things through. Breathe........

Hugs.