I've decided to be more friendly and outgoing. If you recall I've spent a lot of time 'fearful' of people I don't know and withdrawn.
So when we got there I walked away from W and went around looking for people I might know so I could say hello, get/give hugs. I need hugs. I denied myself these things too long.
In the past I would follow W around as we visited 'her' friends so for me this is a 180.
Eventually I returned to where W was talking to her friend 'S', and 'S' is 'miss sunshine', always happy, always touchy feely. So She gave me a hug and I took the time to 'feel' it and hug back.
During the service the guest singer sang 'I hope you dance' which is a favorite song of W's that she used to play, and tell me how she hoped I could get back to 'old me' who had a zest for my life. During the song I reached over and held her hand and she looked at me and smiled. I only did this for about 10 seconds and then took my hand back.
The service was good, all about allowing the power that God has already given us to manifest itself in our lives.
One of the things that they've been doing before each service is announcing there will be a Valentines 'renewal of vows' ceremony on feb 10th. Every time I hear that it hurts but life is what it is right now.
After the service I left W again to go visit with people I knew. Once again I came back to her to see she was with her friend 'S'. This time 'S' is next to me, puts her arm around me and puts her cheek next to mine and hugs me for several seconds. I don't pull away, instead enjoying the human contact and closeness. I wasn't looking at W, so I don't know if she noticed. Anyway, it feels good to get any kind of contact.
So, I leave again and a few minutes later, looking for W, I see her at the table where they sell tickets to various events they have. I walk up behind her and she is asking the lady about tickets to this 'comedy coffee shop' night and says she's interested in '2 tickets'. I then walk around to her side so she sees I am there. She has her money out, the lady asks her 'two right?' and W looks and me a says "You'll go, right?" and I say "sure, I like comedy!"
We left after that. I was thinking to myself "She was getting tickets so she could go with someone else, but when arrived she HAD to ask me". Crazy thoughts. I talked to Blyndfaith who reminded me that she has had no trouble telling me when she's going somewhere WITHOUT me, so why would I think she buying these tickets if she didn't have the expectation that I would go? For me, it's weird because she didn't ask me ahead of time, she just went and got them. How would she know I would go or not? Why would she buy them if she didn't know, unless she had another plan?
Yeah, I think too much.
On the way home we talked about bills and cash flow. She talked about 'having to be able to pay for her own insurance' and 'being able to pay he rown bills'. Never says 'when I move out' or 'after we're separated'. Yeah, a nit pick but she rarely uses the 'D' word.
So, we're home and she's upstairs in the Bedroom and turns on the stereo and says she's going to 'do some cleaning'. She then starts 'sashaying' around with the music as she picks up stuff. I'm watching because I happen to be there. She see's me watching and gives me a smile.
So, I go an fix a chair in our room and while I'm doing that she takes off her skirt to put on some jeans so she can clean better. She stands on the other side of the room with her back to me and turns around to look at me and I say "Hey, I'm just enjoying the view". She smiles again and puts on her jeans.
I picked up my tools and left the room.
Baby steps? Nah. Just her being weird and maybe looking for some attention, or just random chance I happened to be there and GAVE her attention she wasn't expecting.
She came into my office a little while later and asked me if I could 'give' her $20 so she could take D17 to a movie. I said, jokingly, "You get to take her to the movies but I have to pay?"
She said 'well otherwise I'd go to the ATM and get the money'. I gave her the cash. Of course, movies take credit cards as we know.
Anyway, not reading anything into any of this other than her just being her weird self. I want to say 'oh! oh! baby steps!' but I don't have time to mess with my head any more. I have GOT to get free of the 'need' to have her.
Life is fun. I got 3 GOOD hugs today from 2 different women who are very nice.
