Help??

[Lillieperl]

I agree that interrupting while he's MB and saying, "mind if I help with that" is a good idea. She's not promoting his habit... she's interrupting it.

[cat11]

I have to say, I think it's a bit of a leap to assume because a man masturbates frequently he has an addiction to porn. My H has a very high sex drive and even tho our sex life is very much back on track now (as some of you know we're still in the begining stages of this), he has always been open with me about masturbating almost daily. Even now that we are having sex frequently he masturbates. He has such a high sex drive that I don't think I could physically keep up and he doesn't expect me to. If he needs more I would much rather he look at pics on the computer and take care of business himself than go find someone else to fill the "gap"!

Having said that, and not knowing all the background, you mentioned that you never say no to him. How often do you initiate? How often are you actually having sex? It sounds from your post that the masturbating has taken the place of sex with you, even tho you're willing. Now that's a problem. But perhaps he needs you to initiate to feel you really want and need him?

I'm not sure I agree with interrupting him and trying to join in...he might be embarassed at having been "caught", and the situation may not turn out how you would like. Even tho it's bull, most of us had it instilled that mbing was wrong and if you were doing it you should be ashamed. I think talking to him during a relaxed time in a non confrontational manner may be better. I think the first step to knowing what YOU need to do to address the problem is understanding what the problem is... understanding where he's coming from and what his thoughts are. The only person you can get this information from is him.

I know from my own situation that had open communication happened sooner, where BOTH people were communicating honestly, alot of heartache could have been avoided. Good luck to you...

[itsmesrs]

Thanks alot guys no matter how many books i read i just could not seem to get any answers, Donno about the asian chicks with produce hehe Yes i also think it is a addiction although alot of times it is with out porn so i am trying to figure it all out! Yes we were toghether 14 years ago more like friends we became lovers, We had a baby but we still were not together, then we grew apart he is my soulmate which is why i always loved him and took him back after soo long sex was electric after ten years it has fizzled we talked last nite thanks to you guys but for some reason thinking i did not solve that prolem.

[itsmesrs]

Chocolateeyes I have no self esteem I am working on it its a slow process as I belive i have bipolar and add and I am stuck being 5'3 with my after three baby belly and 46 dds that i hate!! but went from a 22 to a 12 after the divorce well over the last year and i am getting a reduction in april, gonna be a whole new woman bye the end of this year physically and mentally!

[itsmesrs]

Cat your right It has takeing place of our sex life together, When i did sit down with him last nite, In a non confrontail way and said whats up I have no kids tonight and we have not had sex in a while, What i did not say was i know you have the urge cause u do it yourself!! And he always checks to make sure im sleeping and he is really quiet about it! But he told me he has had a lot on his mind financially, And i am going in for surgery mnday which scares him, All the bills and the kiddos have been sick, and it really bothers him there father does not help out with them more guess it all snowballed and the only time he gets peice and quiet is when he gets up at 4 am I am assuming he wakes rested and its peaceful! And he knows im not a morning person but i could learn to be if that is our only time to physically bond but i will work on it agian thank you guys for listening!!

[chocolateeyes]

I would suggest that you pick ONE boundary that you can draw with your husband. Not with yourself, or your own appearance, but something that just KILLS your self-esteem when you allow him to do it. Maybe it's the masturbation, maybe it's something smaller that you start with. Think about it ahead of time, think about what you'd like to say to him, and then visualize yourself saying it -- confidently! -- and ROLEPLAY IT, over and over again, even out loud (when he's not around, of course!) if you have to.

Then do it.

You will feel SO much better about yourself, he will gain respect for you, and you can then set a goal of a 2nd boundary that you can do thereafter.

Part of the problem of being a non-confrontational person (I know, cuz I AM one!) is that you rarely think -- at the time -- of what to say. Afterward, it's like you knock yourself on the head like Chris Farley in that SNL skit: "Idiot! Why did you SAY that!" Just like parenting, the best skills are planned out ahead of time, because after all, most of their behavior (kids AND spouses!) can easily be predicted, am I right?

So when he does or says "X", be prepared to do/say "Y."

I would really encourage you to do this.

Choc.

[Corri]

Hmmm. I think I need to speak up here, as I've been investigating this whole 'porn' thing.

With my xbf... frequency of sex was never an issue. You have to step away from 'sex' and 'porn' in the same sentence. They are NOT the same, even if a person is MBing to it. It may 'affect' your sex life, but the lack of sex on this side, has nothing to do with the amount of 'use' over on that side.

If anyone is has 'porn' in their life, and they think it might be interfering with something, they really should check out http://www.no-porn.com

Porn, like alcohol or drugs, can become an addiction. But it really has nothing to do with sex, but more as a way of... medicating underlying pain. And I can tell you, I GET that one.

Porn becomes a method of self-comfort, a way of soothing insecurities, lack of intimacy, lack of security, with one's self, with one's outside world... there is something going on, on the inside, that is hurt.

Sometimes, people cannot face the hurt to fix it. I know of this very well. VERY well. I personally think Choc's wife is going through this. There are things that everyone here on this board is witnessing about me, that makes me seem off, that makes me seem on the 'edge,' because they are parts of me I have NEVER constructively dealt with, learned how to express... learned how to take 'control' over. I am like a ping pong ball, bouncing around in a room of endless ping pong paddles and tables.

I could very easily go and drink all away... take AD's, pain killers... lots of things. Some people's drug of choice is porn... simply because you find release, without accountability.

It is a short-term, easy fix... until it isn't. Until you need more and more and more to find the easy fix. Then your world begins to spiral.

As with AA... ANY behavior that is used to cover up and numb feelings and issues... is an addiction. Endless sex partners can BE an addiction. Endless laughing can be an addiction (look at all the comedians who have committed suicide).

You cannot draw a boundary on this behavior, except to say... I won't do this with you. If YOU want to go do it.. okay... I don't care... but I'm not going to stand here and watch you while you do it.

But saying that takes knowing yourself, and what you will and won't accept. Often times, that will come into direct conflict for your FEELINGS for the other person, and how bad you will feel if they are no longer there... how it might affect your kids, your friends, family... life....

We get so caught up in the trickle down effect, we can't look at the other person and say... 'nope. not doing this.' We seldom look at the trickle down effect of backing off that boundary, because it isn't so immediately clear. So WE back off... 'I think I could learn to accept them for who they are... what they do... for the sake of the kids, the R, whatever... and we NEVER have any idea of how debilitating that one simple decisions seems to be...

I have a very high level of tolerance for porn. I enjoy it myself. But I can pick it up or leave it in a blink of an eye. Where it becomes... repulsive to me is when the lying begins. It turns it into something very, very, very ugly for me, and sets off for me all kinds of ugly, horrid feelings, rememberances, bad feelings.... And I don't respond well to it, or the person involved. Porn, in and of itself... not a problem. It is what a person does with it.

So, I would encourage you to examine where your own boundaries are on this issue... state them, loud and clearly... and HOLD TO THEM, regardless of how you feel about the person. You are NOT your feelings. They are a part of YOU. You manage them in any other way you manage your life. I say that knowing full well that saying it is not as easy as doing. Doesn't even come close.

I have a saying, that sits on my refrigerator: "How bad do you want IT?" IT being whatever I decide "IT" is going to be for the day. I go from there. Some days, I do well. Other days... fck, I just fall flat on my face. But "IT" defines my baseline boundaries... and I have to decide, day in and day out, what violates that... regardless of my feelings.

[Lillieperl]

ItsM, I think what corri wrote here is really important:

Porn becomes a method of self-comfort, a way of soothing insecurities, lack of intimacy, lack of security, with one's self, with one's outside world... there is something going on, on the inside, that is hurt.

I don't think being confrontational and judgmental about the porn/mb is such a good idea. Introducing shame into the equation between you two is not a productive course IMHO. He probably already feels bad about it, to the extent that he lets himself feel anything about it at all.

If he's experiencing a lot of stresses, especially job-related or financial, this kind of stuff really affects a guy, more so if there are a wife and kids to support.

Why not set your alarm for 4 am and wake HIM up with some fooling around?

[Dom R]

Porn, like alcohol or drugs, can become an addiction. But it really has nothing to do with sex, but more as a way of... medicating underlying pain.

What you said there can be true. but it is not always true.
Just like people get addicted to alchohol, or drugs, or.. other things(sigh)... for different reasons.. people get addicted to porn for different reasons.

Sometimes, it really IS to do with sex.

So please dont try to tell people "porn is always about/never about...", Corri. 'cause whatever "always" or "never" you pick... it's not going to always be true.


ItsM: you need to confront your husband about it. You just need to do it in the most positive way you can figure out. and make it clear that when he has needs, he can always come to you.
always. Hmm. even more than that... you want him to come to you.
Take the advice of someone who has been through it directly.

[Corri]

Dom:

That isn't not what I have found. A lot of times...

Sometimes, it really IS to do with sex.

That IS a major insecurity. One you or I may not fathom... but being a person who has had her own, very deep, insecurities about sex... I can see, I have done... all kinds of sex. Any which way to Sunday. Honestly, I think I could make some HD girls on this site blush. But MY reasons for doing things and THEIR reasons for doing things are THE very difference.