All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Evie]

25 Yrs - Did you get ILBINILWY bomb?

What Happened in your R after you flew to see him in Alaska?

Your right, time is on my side. Now the holidays are over and the rountine has being established again, it is easier to stop analysing quite so much. I've backed off a little. I'm just sitting back and watching for now. When I look back, the times that he has come towards me the most are when I have being really upset with him and asked him to leave me alone. Those are the times I get bombarded with calls/texts. What has got him angry has being the times when i've asked for boundaries.?

25yrs - are you reconciled?

X Eve

[Evie]

Just re this on Frank_D post, this is so true and this is what I bellieve my H did to me on NYE:

When we think destructively with anxiety that is "victim-thinking", "martyr-thinking", or masochism. It is where you take on a "poor me" attitude, erroneously believing that you are truly hopeless, or helpless. You worry about the future and complain without offering solutions. You regret the past, and essentially are wishing you controlled the uncontrollable, "dumping" your anxiety into someone else's boundary. Doing all this may seem harmless, but it is not. You are dumping your anxiety into someone else to let them worry about for you. It is childish, win/lose behavior, where you win relief but someone else loses their sense of peace, by absorbing your negative energy.

I did lose my own personal boundaries and my own peace. Great to see it put so well.

All quiet this week. Back to work, so less time on our hands.
I'm reading 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus' & also dipped into the 5LL. Can't work out H's LL, but I have tried with more words of affirmation (H has helped me a lot this week with getting my skis and equipment ready for my trip tomorrow, so i've tried a lot of cheerleading).

Next Week H moves back into the house for a week while i'm away so he can look after the boys. He has to work late a couple of nights and has asked me to ask my mom if she could help out until later.

I replied and said it was sad he had to work and cover for lack of staff and I would let him know about my mom. I didn't go mad that he had had plenty of notice to arrange cover, I validated his feelings, but didn't enlarge on what he felt was a huge problem. I felt I handled that sitch much better than I would have previously.

I'm not sure know whether to text him next week or not?
(I'll call the boys when they are in from School), I know H would be happy to hear from me, (bearing in mind, less is not more)would it be better to have an air of mystery or contact him and tell him how we're doing?

X

Eve

[Evie]

Saffie & Jen - I've sent you an email.

XE

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Dis,

Major computer problems at my end, so can't post much until resolved this week.
I did NOT get the ilybinilwy bomb. H left for a "dream job" making unilateral decisions of major import, and left me with the 2 girls, including a senior in high school. His explanation was that the opportunity was once in a life time, and we'd (me and d10) join him after the older D went to college. I opposed this and felt that when he left, he was choosing a job over his family. I still feel that way.

However, we did reconcile. I came up here with a job offer that will always look great on my resume but the "dream job" H has is NOT so dreamy. He knows we're leaving and suddenly I get to direct the job search/geographically. Or at least, so far he's only looking at places I agree to or suggest. I believe he "gets" that he owes me this and is embarrassed like hell, that he risked so much for something like a job, let alone a job that isn't panning out (thank GOD for that, btw). It was a weird time and I think he was in MLC and the employer was very convincing. I AM WORKING FOR THE SAME COMPANY MYSELF so you know the employer is convincing. But as an attorney, I can see that the company will take a long time to ever do what was promised, so we're leaving as far as I'm concerned. And yes, h is job hunting, discreetly.

I love my h and he is changing into a better man, I think. But if he wants only to pursue money as if that's the only thing that matters, he'll be alone again, for good.
j-

[Evie]

Well back off my holiday and in the end I didn't have to worry about contacting H as my phone just wouldn't work, despite H's best attempts at calling the network. At first I felt as if i'd lost my right arm and then by Tuesday I just thought, what will be will be and actually it was good not to receive txts from h all the time, and of course he had no idea what we were doing as he couldn't check up (not that I misbehaved in any way, but a bit of mystery never hurt!!!). I borrowed a phone to call the boys every day when they got in from school, I couldn't not talk to them. Missed them like hell.

D1 was fab and happy, she's lost a few lbs from the skiing and constantly being active. It was great to see her and i cried like a baby when we left her again on Saturday.

Now i'm in a place I can't describe, I can't understand how or what I feel right now and i know I'm not good at explaining. I can't even write in my diary b/c I don't know where to begin.

I did and didn't miss H on holiday. I missed him b/c it was a place where we have spent a few happy family holidays, so it bought back a lot of mememories, I got very low by about Thursday, so low in fact that I wondered if anybody would actually miss me if I departed this world (sorry thats the way I felt), I was sharing this chalet with 3 other couples, who seemed very happy and who shared child responsibiliies together, sat and ate together and I just thought to myself 'we've never been like that', it made me very emotional.

But then I didn't miss him b/c I didn't feel any pressure to please or to be anything other than myself and I wasn't trying to cope with the boys on my own and getting angry with H b/c he was asleep and avoiding been with me. I was free to just be.

Then we arrived home, I was nervous, I didn't know what to expect from h. H stayed for a couple of hours and looked at the photos and listened to what we had to say, then he left for his own place. It was a good interaction, he seemed interested, asked loads, but he gave nothing away emtionally.

He never slept in our bed while he was here looking after the boys, he had shared the bunk beds with S2, but he had used the en-suite? Whats that all about? P****s me off, is it me or is it pathetic? Why wouldn't he sleep in the bed?

Then on Sunday, I woke up and thought, sod this, why am I bothering? (sorry bad DB!), I thought why should I have to put on this happy, positive face? If I can't have h as a Husband I don't want him as a friend either. I don't want him popping in and out of the house when it suits him and I don't want to be his friend b/c thats what he wants. I know i'm angry, hurt, rejected blah blah blah

Before I went away, I was planning to buy H a valentine card, now I don't think I will? You all know I've been keen to go out to dinner with H, but now i'm not? I'm fed up with his fussing, txts, emails, it's just out of guilt.

Then yesterday I saw H's friend, Kevin and he asked me if I'd met anyone else as I was always out? I said 'no, the boys and I don't need any more complications in ours lifes. I told him I was shocked he'd even think such a thing. He said well you are out a lot? I'm gobsmacked, this is a guy who last Oct i was crying too, telling him I didn't want to seperate. Makes me wonder what H and he have been discussing & thinking?

Then last night receive txt off H that said, 'although he hasn't spent much time with me since I'd got back, he thought I would have enjoyed the break without the boys, but I didn't seem happy at all? That was his observation' - so he saw a chink through my armour? I replied a couple of hours later and said I was a bit down, nothing to do with the boys, thanks for asking.

Why is he analysing me? or even asking me the question. If he'd thought rationally then perhaps he would have realised that I'd just left D1 again, maybe had a bit of post holiday blues and I was facing a 6 hr day at work ahead of me.!!

Sorry it's long, but I have been away for a week.

Look forward to hearing from you all.

Love E xx

[cat03]

About sleeping in the other bed, perhaps he thought you wouldn't like it if he slept on what is now "your" bed, don't read too much into it.

If he'd thought rationally ...

Honey, you two are different people, don't assume he "should've" know what was bothering you. It was a simple question, he sensed you didnt' seem happy when he was prob thinking you would be glad to have gone away without the little ones.

I think I'm going to call a few single female friends I have and have a V friendly dinner,perhaps, don't hold much hope for a romantic date for V for the time being.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Dis,

as Cat3 says, you're doing too much mind reading and you already said communication was an issue in your marriage. Stop the mind reading. Take words at face value and let him know you're doing that. Repeat what you think he said when he says it, and respond accordingly. If he corrects or clarifies, great. If not, then even if you don't actually believe what he says, act as if you do. I mean, he has to take responsibility forhis words. Otherwise he'll never have to "own" what he says or face consequences and will somehow get you to shoulder the burden of choices in this sitch. He'll claim "I didn't mean/say that" but you can retort, "I heard you say 'XXX' and you repeated it". Just make it clear that you WILL HOLD HIM to his words and actions. Show him.

As far as his take on your happiness, STOP letting him get inside you. Remember the upbeat positive image you want to create?? (Please re-read DB/DR books if you've forgotten or do Not really believe looking attractive and happy IS attracting)
What happened to the upbeat "woman only a fool would leave" routine?
Trust me, admitting misery on your end is not going to attract him to you or the home. He's already "burdened" by life (ie his own choices) and doesn't need you to drag him down or make him feel needed. On the contrary, I think he wants to be around someone who'll elevate his mood WITHOUT taking responsibility for his feelings. There is a diff. You can affirm his value to you or his worth, without being needy or burdensome.

Also, why on earth would you send him a Valentine's card? At least in this country, Valentine's Day is mostly romantic in nature. I mean, this is like a wedding anniversary except that with Valentine's Day, it isn't even about your particular day or marriage, but romantic love in general. It's one thing to acknowledge a marriage with children even when the M is over, it seems to dignify the kid's births, etc. Divorced couples sometimes recognize it to celebrate the children/byproduct of the M but not to reach out to each other, and most divorced couples here don't even do that for their anniversaries. I know NO ONE who sends a Valentine's card to someone from whom they are separated. This isn't an anniversary though, and Valentine's Day is different to me. It is a lot of pressure for people who are newly dating, so it'll make your h uncomfortable as it is. Do NOT buy him anything. I mean, it's just MHO but I can't see it. What's your goal? If you had little girls, you could help them make him a card but that's the most I could see. Even that would probably look like pursuing.

I get the impression that what you are really doing is trying to find a successful tactic in pursuit of your h. But that is not what DBing is about. At least I don't think it is. It's about your own growth, and moving on, and being valued and valuable and loving and loveable, all without NEEDING HIM to want YOU.

I'd also make fun plans for that night, with your friends and spend NO TIME worrying/thinking of your h.

Oh btw, Good for you on your holiday. I understand your mixed feelings about his absence. Though you miss him, when he's not there, There is a lot to say for having less tension and expectation and dashed hopes...You can miss them, but not miss the pain they're causing. And that pain is something that only YOU can stop. Really. You have more control over how you feel, than you realize.

Can you do the "Stop Sign VIsualization" technique when thoughts of your h with OW or just gone, come into your head? You must stop the negative circling around in the head, and take the exit ramp off the highway of anxiety. (Geez, I'm into metaphors tonight...sorry)

Seriously, do whatever it takes to stop the worrying/obsessing. It is helping no one and I really truly am certain it is slowing your progress. It may also be slowing or lessening the chances of reconciling, I don't know about that, but I DO KNOW it is not helping.

Remember what you're modeling for your children, and GAL. Teach them how to do it. They're watching you more than you think.
j-

[Jen_Jam]

Hi E

Well.... I can fully sympathise with this. While you were away and not in contact with H you probably felt more like " yourself" and it gave you a break from all the pressure. It's draining to DB.

But.... don't give in to your anger. It's perfectly understandable to feel this way, but just because people feel certain feelings doesn't mena they have to give them lots of attention or act on them. Don't let your anger unfluence you. IMO your txt to H was spot on.

Yes if he'd "thought rationally" he might have realised you had a bit of a holiday comedown but he's not a mind reader and the liklihood of him thinking rationally right now? Forget it! I found in my sitch the simplest, most common sense things had to be spelt out in a way that now that things are settled I don't have to do anymore. It felt weird at the time but it worked.

As for the V-card, many here have a good tactic - buy one to keep on hand for if your H gives you one. If you do need to give it to him, keep the message the kind of one you'd give to a good friend.

But most of all don't give in to your anger - I did. I had my first bomb in Sept 2005, H moved out etc, came back in Nov. I got angery around Feb 06, let rip on him and guess what? At the end of March I got another ILYBINILWY speech, and H didn't want to stay married. This is when I found DB/DR and started working really hard.

Final bit - this might help, it's the Dalai Lama on Compassion. When I am having a tough time with H, or with anyone really, I tend to remember compassion. Hard to appy but worthwhile

Compassion

[Evie]

Jen & Saffie - you have email.

Jen, Cat03, 25yrsmlc Thanks for your replies. Plenty to think about.

Cat - Your right about the bed. Thanks for the advice of taking actions and words at face value. I need to keep remembering that. I don't expect a V-card from h or even a meal out, but I am now planning to see girlfriends.

Jen - Your right about my anger, actually your spot on. If I don't speak, he doesn't speak, i feel as if he's maybe a little unsure of himself after the no contact from last week?

Also thanks for the advice about the everyday common sense things - I'll take things back to basics and treat him almost as if i'm getting to know him again, just not assume i know him as well as i thought I did!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I get the impression that what you are really doing is trying to find a successful tactic in pursuit of your h. But that is not what DBing is about. At least I don't think it is. It's about your own growth, and moving on, and being valued and valuable and loving and loveable, all without NEEDING HIM to want YOU.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

25yrs - I'm trying really hard to just maintain the status quo, to not continue down the cheeseless tunnels, trying a few 180's and generally I feel as if my GAL and PMA have been good, and hopefully h is noticing as people here on the boards suggest that the WAS does. Of course i want to be valued, loved and in an equal partnership, but I need to find a foundation to begin on that is balanced, neither too distant nor too needy. If he doesn't speak, then I don't speak and vice versa, so my 180 is to ignore my old behaviour and speak to him, neither of us like not speaking, resentment then builds up and as i've said before lack of communication and avoiding confrontation was our biggest problem and I don't want that to continue.

The doubt I have in my mind about this whole DB is that I told my xh i didn't love him anymore. I didn't and moved on, so i have my doubts that H will change HIS mind back again?

Love to hear from you all.

Have a great weekend.

Love E x

[25yearsmlc]

DS,

I'm unclear about what your fear is regarding something you told someone in the past...? You refer to your ex husband, as in, the husband before your present h? Okay, if so, I don't get exactly what it is you fear that related to the prior M.

If I understand what you mean, it's that once upon a time you loved a man, and married. Some time later you got a divorce and told him you no longer loved him anymore, and in fact you never attempted a reconciliation with him...and now you wonder if your h is doing the same thing to you. Is this accurate? Is this because you think the universe is dealing out karma and you're getting what you deserve? I don't think that's how it works.

But if you are repeating a behavior that you displayed in your prior M, maybe you ought to look at whether you create some or all of the pain in your life.

Did you smother either man? Push someone away when they got too close? Obsess and examine with a critical scrutiny? No one can take that for very long. But again, I'm not clear on what you meant so I could be way off.

Anyhow, GAL is for YOU. There are positive byproducts and other good things, but it is done FOR YOU because this is only YOUR life. It's not a dress rehearsal, and already you are how old? None of us knows whether we'll have a tomorrow, and life is short. Remember that saying about our lives being "a book", and ask yourself "who is writing your life's book", and what will the next chapter say...
Be the author of your life's book. Don't let anyone else write the plot or the outcome for you, or to you.
How much of each day do you spend worrying about things over which you have no control? Add that up, and see what you've sentenced yourself to. Try hard to distance yourself more so you can better detach. You'll feel better and you'll have a better perspective on things.

Good luck,
j-