There's a big difference between what's obvious, and attempting to change the way a spouse sees you to try and save the marriage.
You are right. This is the worst thing possible for the kids and yes, it will hurt them dramatically. I agree with you. But you telling your W this will only focus the problem more on you. That you are trying to stop her from doing what she wants to do. She is not thinking rationally, she is thinking selfishly, and nothing you say is going to change that. By pulling yourself out of this she can't reflect it back and you, and there's a better chance she'll have to figure these things out on her own. She lives with the kids most of the time. She'll see the destruction.
Yes, wish THEM well, *support* her selfishness, don't let her see you as the bad guy or parent trying to convince or control her. She will eventually realize she is hurting the kids on her own. This HAS to be on her own. Otherwise she'll always associate it with you and think of it as manipulation.
Yes, you can say, your first choice would be to stay together, and you would like to have your family together, but you can also say you care about her (even if there's larger part of you that would rather throw a cherry pie in her face) and would want her to decide where she'll be happiest, and wish her the best in the future.... And you'll be fine because you really don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Sheesh, I was extremely hesitant for my husband to come back unless he really truly wanted it. Heck, they could come back and then leave again tomorrow. My husband was famous for yo-yoing. I finally realized, through time and a lot of pain, I didn't want to go through that any more. It needed to be a 100% or nothing deal.
I hope that makes sense....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
