The New Adventures of Supermom...Part 3

[RedHeadWife]

Oh and one important thing I forgot to put in there about facing head-on the things that you may have done to contribute to the M's faults, you need to FORGIVE YOURSELF for these things and MOVE ON. Trust me on this one. If you allow yourself to sit there & blame everything on yourself and continually say "if only I'd done this" or "if only I hadn't done that" you will drive yourself nuts.

Get out there & learn to love yourself for yourself again!!!

[kml]

Jeez - with sisters like that, who needs enemies???????

Seriously - I don't care how much of that was "true" or not - how completely inappropriate was your sister???? Let me ask you this - why is she jealous of you? Because i suspect some jealousy under her eagerness to tear you down at the worst time of your life.

Sure, you could have been a better wife - who couldn't? And you probably have issues you should work on. But NOTHING you did justifies what your H has done here - okay????

I'd stay away from this sister for a while - she's not a healthy relationship for you at the moment.

Ellie

[RedHeadWife]

Sure, you could have been a better wife - who couldn't? And you probably have issues you should work on. But NOTHING you did justifies what your H has done here - okay????

I hope there was nothing that I posted that made you think you were all at fault or were a bad wife!

I guess I've just "been there, done that" with the beating myself up and just feeling absolutely sick to my stomach over what I couldn't change. I had to face those things head on, choose to forgive myself and then move on. There was nothing I could change about the past. That's all I was trying to get across.

Like I said, I think you are doing wonderfully considering your sitch.

[Mom of 2 2B]

Oh, JennyF, I feel for you! All I've read is just your most recent post but I am so sorry. It sounds like that conversation was a real blow. But don't be so hard on yourself- you have shown some amazing insight in your post. You have outlined some really good things you need to do- now take charge and do them! As far as being alone in the house tomorrow, get out! Do something! Get dressed up, put on makeup, go to a movie, take yourself out to lunch, go to a museum, volunteer, do something for yourself! Bake a cake if that's what you really want to do, but I think you need to get out. It will make you feel better.

This message board can be really helpful but you're right, it can also be stifling and get in the way of your GAL plans. Remember that this sitch is just one part of who you are- it is an event in your life but it doesn't define who you are. You are insightful, generous, and helpful to others. Now get out and do something for YOU!

I'll be thinking of you.

MO2

[Mom of 2 2B]

JennyF- I was praying for you and thinking of you during my 2am pumping session (thought you'd appreciate that!) and have a few more thoughts regarding your GAL plans. I know that's been difficult to do for yourself, but you will benefit from thinking how GAL will help your kids. Getting most of your happiness from your children can put a real strain on kids. It seems like it's great to have such an attentive mom when you're really young, but it becomes a lot more difficult once they get older- they want their independence and it becomes hard for them to reach out b/c they know how much you need them. They can either rebel or stifling themselves b/c they don't want to "leave" you.

It's also important to set a good example for them- demonstrate to your D that she can be a strong, independent, HAPPY woman without a man. Demonstrate to your S that leaving a woman doesn't leave her without happiness and hope- life goes on for her. Think of yourself as a role model and the GAL will come.

Just my thoughts. Still thinking of you.

[JennyF]

First of all, thanks so much to all of you who made it thru my long long post and especially for those who responded. The support is so amazing and helpful.

Brit...you are so right that I am stuck. Since the bomb dropped 6 wks before giving birth, I spent that time doing the usual bomb drop stuff of crying and being depressed (not to mention every ant-DB thing I possibly could have done) . Then when my S came, I got to turn most of that off and emmerse myself in baby-land. Sure there were a lot of other things that H dropped on me in the meantime, but I think after getting thru the holidays I am now in a way, back where I was right before I had the baby. I really hadn't worked through it all yet...so I'm still in a sense dealing with all that stuff...mostly just admitting that it's over and accepting that reality.
My S has become my comfort zone and letting him go means I am truly alone. I have to get to a place where that isn't a scary thing. I'm working on it. You are right, radical change is desparately needed.
Nothing you said made it seem like I was a bad wife. I completely understand and appreciate your comments.

Ellie...

Jeez - with sisters like that, who needs enemies???????

LOL!! Yes, my sister has a 'tough love' approach that can leave a lot to be desired sometimes. I think she has been holding back for 4 months now while I tip toed along and it's been building up in her. While I don't agree with her methods or some of the things she said...I did need to hear a lot of it. I cried for a full day after the conversation, it hurt a lot. But now that I've gotten through that fog I can take what I need to from that conversation and leave the rest. I haven't called her back and I won't be. I'll leave that to her. Regarding the jelousy thing...it's funny that you picked up on this because this has been an issue going back many many years. The brunt of our problems actually, but I wouldn't have associated her, funny that you did.
By no means did she mean that anything I did justify what H did. She is just as disgusted in him as anyone else, probably more so in fact. I think she didn't realize how fragile I still am right now when she went there. Her opinion of me has always been that I need thicker skin anyway!! With her ways you'd think I'd be made of leather by now!

MO2...You are right that my GAL has to be my focus right now. I did bake the cake yesterday and I'm glad I did. Creativity has always been a good escape for me and baking and decorating specifically.
Thanks for the prayers. I need all I can get! It's funny that you mention separating the GAL from my kids. I have never been someone who put all my worth into being a Mom. Yeah I struggled with keeping it all together after I went back to work after my D...but I've always been able to let her go when I needed to. The sitch with my S feels so different because I don't feel like he's H's if that makes sense. He treated me horribly thru the pregnancy and then dropped the bomb at 33 weeks...it's like he never cared thru the pregnancy and now that he's here I'm supposed to just hand him over to Daddy dearest? I've been far more possessive w/ S than I was D for these reasons. My MIL is someone who still can't define herself w/out her kids...and her youngest is 24! She's has actually burdened her kids (me included) quite a bit because she couldn't GAL a few years ago when H's Dad left (he was living a double life in FLA...basically did what my H did but left his WHOLE family). So it's interesting for me to draw the parallel's and see how I can break this cycle myself. I have to give myself all the advice I've given her over the years. Oh the irony...

Anyway...thanks again to everyone. I'm still feeling a little down...but better than a couple days ago and of course tomorrow will be better still. I've got my list started and look forward to executing it!

J~

[JennyF]

Red Head Wife,
I had replied to you in the above post as well, but I must have deleted it somehow.

Anyway, I in now way thought you were saying I was a bad wife or was at fault. I know exactly what you were intending to say in your posts and I appreciate it.

And yes, I have to forgive myself for these things. The hard thing about this is that I'm not completely sure what they are. H NEVER discussed them with me. Yeah there were tidbits of things here and there...but since he basically said it was over with no chance of trying, we never did go back and discuss what went wrong.
Some of this I believe is because there really wasn't a whole lot wrong. I'm not saying I was perfect (no way), but there was nothing too earth shattering. I read an article on these boards once that says the romantic affairs happen more commonly in perfectly fine marriages than it does in troubled ones. This is first and foremost H's crisis...he's been dealing with this for a long time, which I have just begun to realize.

So I'll work on my while he's off galavanting with the aliens somewhere!!

Thanks for your help.
J~

[hope2wrkitout]

I like the line about galavanting with ailiens somewhere. I thought alot about your post as I was having a really hard day myself yesterday and today my son goes with his dad. It is just amazing to me how they can move about like their lives are fine and dandy, but we are left to keep ourselves together and our kids together. You have been seperated about a month longer than me and though it has been several months now the pain is still pretty raw. You have your kids that you have to be strong for and I have to keep my head right for school, yet I can't help feeling like I am caught in quicksand. I fight to make it through daily. I have gotten a life, and I have gotten good at not chasing H, but I am so damn sick and tired trying hard to not have expectations. Shouldn't you have expectations of anyone in your life? I mean hell I have expectations of my dog and cat. I expect my dog not to go in the house and I expect my cat to poop in the box. Even they can meet the most basic of expectations. What I don't expect or feel like I deserve is for someone to toss me away like yesterday's garbage. I don't expected to be treated like I don't matter. I totally amen your point above. At some point during my marriage I would have liked to have been told that things were so bad that pretty soon there would be no hope. At least I could have decided if I wanted to jump ship or hang in there. I am so freaking tired of hurting and crying. I exhausted of being the only one to put in effort. I look at brother and bil and they are both model husbands who get marriage and want to put in the work. I know you are not supposed to ask "why me", but "why me"? I know into each life some rain must fall, but damn.

Anyway, I just needed to rant. Personally, I know the ailiens have taken my H's mind and heart, couldn't they just do me a favor and take his body too? If I did not have to see him daily I think I could handle this better.

[hope2wrkitout]

I like the line about galavanting with ailiens somewhere. I thought alot about your post as I was having a really hard day myself yesterday and today my son goes with his dad. It is just amazing to me how they can move about like their lives are fine and dandy, but we are left to keep ourselves together and our kids together. You have been seperated about a month longer than me and though it has been several months now the pain is still pretty raw. You have your kids that you have to be strong for and I have to keep my head right for school, yet I can't help feeling like I am caught in quicksand. I fight to make it through daily. I have gotten a life, and I have gotten good at not chasing H, but I am so damn sick and tired trying hard to not have expectations. Shouldn't you have expectations of anyone in your life? I mean hell I have expectations of my dog and cat. I expect my dog not to go in the house and I expect my cat to poop in the box. Even they can meet the most basic of expectations. What I don't expect or feel like I deserve is for someone to toss me away like yesterday's garbage. I don't expected to be treated like I don't matter. I totally amen your point above. At some point during my marriage I would have liked to have been told that things were so bad that pretty soon there would be no hope. At least I could have decided if I wanted to jump ship or hang in there. I am so freaking tired of hurting and crying. I exhausted of being the only one to put in effort. I look at brother and bil and they are both model husbands who get marriage and want to put in the work. I know you are not supposed to ask "why me", but "why me"? I know into each life some rain must fall, but damn.

Anyway, I just needed to rant. Personally, I know the ailiens have taken my H's mind and heart, couldn't they just do me a favor and take his body too? If I did not have to see him daily I think I could handle this better.

[Mom of 2 2B]

Hope2wrkitout-

I love your analogy about your expectations! So true.

One thing struck me about your post- being exhausted being the only one to put in effort. Re-read the see saw analogy- if a relationships is a see saw, the harder one person works the less the other one has to. Remember the "do nothing" approach that is part of DB- you may need to do nothing to get your H to start thinking about the R. The more you think/act/work/worry, the less he has to.

Easier said than done, I know. I've had a rough couple of days myself- H told me last night that he wants a D b/c "it would be a big sign that he has the ability to change his life and is tired of always making the best, most efficient decision." Still says he loves me, still says he wants me in his life, but wants a D to prove that he can make a decision. Brilliant. (And this was on top of sick preemie infants, a trip to the ER, plumbing backup, broken stove, etc.).

Sounds like we've all had a hard weekend. Here's to a MUCH better week!

MO2