jak, you are right, totally right. The D talk doesn't surprise me one single bit. We did talk about how hard it would be for him to see me move on (he started this talk). I told him "Being single again for me wasn't a path I was planning on. However, if we divorce, then yes, eventually I will move on. I feel we are still young and don't want to be alone." I used to deny it, saying stuff like "It would be a long time before I dated anyone, getting over you...etc", my new comment surprised him a bit.
He has really turned around when we discuss D. He has gone from "We are selling this house when we D" to "I want to help you and the girls stay here if you want to". He admitted the hardest thing about thinking of me still in this house after D is bringing someone back here eventually, getting remarried and staying here. Boy, I thought *I* was the overthinker here.
I am no DB expert by any long shot. (Far from it.) I really don't know how close you are to your goals, your hopes, your needs in this. From what I have gathered from other folks' accounts, you seem to be at a point in this crisis where it really could go either way. Your H is still in the fog, but he is no longer ruling out the possibility of a life with you. I can't tell you how much better that is than not.
You seem to always have your head on right, and now is no different. You are showing the perfect degree of cautious optimism, while still preparing for any outcome. It is still precarious (even scary) for you, but you appear to know how to balance the extremes. I am still in awe of how you are handling this.
You deserve to succeed in this, Lwb. Very much so.
nocode, you deserve to succeed as well, as do all of us!!!
I am trying to tell myself that our new 'closeness' will help us either way, if we R or even if we D. I don't want to be *that* couple, the bitter divorced couple. Nor does H. I want our kids to see us happy even if we are apart (trying to forget the lesson they will learn about giving up on a marriage, ugh), and want them to see we can put them first.
H told me last week that OW was very persistant in the beginning of this mess (before they were physical): calling him all the time, showing up where he was, bending over in front of him, smiling, flirting, touching him, hugging him, telling him how awful her H was, and how perfect my H was. Just before H told me this, I had said "I don't have anger for OW", then after he said this, I smiled and said "Ok, maybe a little bit of anger."
lol lwb. love your answer. and i know we've already talked about this, but remember, your h had a huge role in the affair too, I'm sure he is telling you the side that makes him look better. he's putting his own spin on this, as much as he probably spun to the ow (my wife just doesn't understand me, blah blah blah).
more importantly, don't let him (or you) make your problems all about the affair. the affair is definitely a problem, don't get me wrong, but its a symptom of a bigger issue. if the affair suddenly goes away, the marriage is still in jeapardy until you guys focus on the real, deep down issues.
yes, I know you know this. but its easy to make it all about the OW and I do understand that very well myself, but keep your focus where it needs to be. try to keep ow OUT of your marriage.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Sally, it did feel like H was trying to sound like he had no choice but to be with OW. He was hurting, lonely, and feeling betrayed by me (for ignoring him and his needs...spew by the way) and there she was. But guess what, he opened HIS heart and unzipped HIS pants. He could have been the real man and divorced me first, then pursued her right back.
Trying HARD not to make it about OW, keep reminding me of this.....
I do see now that OW/affair was a result of a failing marriage. Not a choice he should have made, but he was in a place where he 'needed' that at the time. Why and how we got to that point is more important than the actual affair.
Trying HARD not to make it about OW, keep reminding me of this.....
LWB I have a hard time with this also... EVERYBODY keeps saying this. But........Is it not true the OP COULD HAVE SAID NO..... If the other person would have said. WE CAN TALK but you are married... I will help you but I CAN"T SLEEP WITH YOU.....
No the OP is just as much to blame as our spouses..... SO when People are saying "it's not about the OP then they are saying the OP has right to not only distroy my marriage but his own also..... And is left unacountable????? I think Not...
Sorry but WE all made the mistake that when this situation first started WE NEEDED to put out foot down and bring EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING to the table.... By me keeping my silence I have condoned this.... There is a married woman in Washington who May think her husband is the most wonderfull man in the world.... Little does she know....
Sorry Just got a wild hair........
Husband
Last edited by husband; 01/20/0805:30 PM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Fog fog fog.... That's what it is around here. H is much more considerate at home these days, asking me about my day, pulling up a chair beside me. All small stuff, but its a change. Even if it helps us just be friends again, I can accept that for now. I have continued to do nice things for him all along (asking myself "Would I do this for a friend?") and I think he is getting that now.
husband, I totally understand what you mean. If OW had been interested in my H (and of course H interested in her), then they should have waited. They are equally to blame. But I have learned these days that SHE owes me nothing. She owes her family trust and honor, just like H owes that to us. She betrayed her family, not me.
husband, I have noticed you seem to be regretting what you have done in the past, and I think if you had come in full force (exposing the A, being angry, not making room for her hurt) you would have driven her away even further. By being patient and kind, you are showing her its safe to stay. There will be time to talk about your hurt in the future.
