Ongoing affair, D papers filed, advice wanted

[SirPrizeMe]

Thanks for the concern - preparing myself for the worst.

She may be working toward sole custody, but I'm working to make sure that does not happen. I have plenty of reason to keep OM out of my kids' lives - he is an alcoholic screwup, and I'm pretty sure I could get him barred from them. I've talked to my attorney about this possibility, and it's not time to pursue this just yet.

The past week I sent her a letter stating my requirement for more time with the kids; this week I will file a motion in court to make the same request. This will compel her to respond substantively.

I'm watching the child custody part very closely.

Is she playing dirty pool? Maybe. Or maybe she is just operating from a place of self-contempt, self-doubt and confusion. Either way I am protecting myself.


I'm not happy with the sitch, but not angry. I'm always happy to see the kids. Delighted even. I value my time with them soooo much more now, that it is so limited.

[SirPrizeMe]

A Quick recap of my sitch:
W's parents divorced when she was 6. Father remarried and lost touch with W and her sis, no child support payments, etc. W's mom became an alcoholic, had a series of short term relationships with men, in the house. Family house fell into disrepair, they were poor, W hated her situation, her parents, etc.

W and I met in college. I'm from a big italian family, I am # 5 of 7 siblings. W loved the big family, was close with all my sibs. W was closer with my parents than with her own. My parents loved her, truly, like their own daughter.

My mom and dad fell into poor health, Dad smoked too much and died of heart attack in 2002. Mom diagnosed with breast cancer later the same year. Mom died in late 2004. I took my dad's sudden death hard; Mom's death was hard too, but not unexpected. In retrospect, it sure seems like these were big blows to my W. Maybe re-living the abandonment she experienced from her *own* parents. Seems to fit the pattern of a MLC trigger. Sure seems clear in retrospect.

Around the time of the passing of my mom, W began showing signs of feeling antsy. Changed her hair color often. Not terribly satisfied with her deal. In 2004/5, we went through a period where we didn't ML for 10 months. She didn't even notice it, expressed disbelief when I told her how long it had been. We went to Paris on a vacation, just us two; she confided to her friend that even there she was not happy. I did not know.

Spring 2006, my job had changed, I began travelling more often. At the same time our best family friends were going through some marriage troubles. The wife/mother from that family took a job in another state, came home only on weekends. W and the man (my best friend), both stay at home parents, became closer.
PA between my wife and the OM started in May 2006 during a crisis in the OM's relationship with his wife (he had had a vasectomy, but his wife somehow got pregnant).

W of best friend discovered this in in July 2006, called to let me know. I was devastated. We had been planning to move the family across the country; close date on the new house was 10 days away. She told me she wanted to stay with me. Never wanted to break up the family. Felt horrible. Together we decided to go through with the move.

We moved, mutually committed to working on the M and R, went to MC, but never really got on track. W continued to communicate with OM.

W complaints about me have escalated as time went on. starting with: I (me) was always unhappy, to I was scary, to I was controlling. All the standard mumbo-jumbo about affairs: OM and I had a connection, we're on the same frequency, we're soulmates, we were together in a previous life (no, seriously!), etc. W's current position is that I was abusive for 20 years (!!), that I have restricted her hobbies (totally untrue), that I keep her from her family (likewise), that I have never been involved with the kids (ludicrous), etc.

We separated Sept 1st 2007, I moved out and she stayed in the house with the kids. We had a written "controlled separation" agreement, including a clause that said, We'd date (never did) and that neither of us would file for divorce for 3 months. Almost made it! She filed papers November 27th. I later learned she had been preparing to divorce since September, getting financial statements, etc.

Christmas was nice - we spent it together with the kids. Platonic kiss from W - first one in 5-6 months. Since then she has pulled back pretty strongly.

OM is three states away, is dating other women, his divorce is proceeding. He is a pariah among all my friends from college, who still keep in touch. W and OM still connect regularly. She visits him. W claims they are "just friends" now, and always will be.

I'm still DBing.

One difficulty now is my siblings, who were once close to W, are now mostly angry with her. Not empathetic at all.

My Daily Struggle is to maintain optimism. Trying to keep my distance while standing for marriage.

[runningoutoftime]

SirPize,

It sounds like you are doing the best you can in the situation. Also, trying to protect yourself emotionally as well as financially.

One thing to keep in mind.... oftentimes when a spouse "gets closer" (such as with that platonic kiss at Christmas), they will then pull away strongly. That's pretty typical.

Try not to worry about OM and your wife. And don't say anything negative to her about him. In fact, if you ever do happen to get into a conversation with her about this tell her he's a great guy and you wish them happiness.... boy wouldn't that really throw her!!!! She wouldn't be able to argue with you about him, see him "to spite you," or push the whole thing in your face to hurt you and create distance.

[SirPrizeMe]

Running, thank you. It helps me so much to talk things out here. Thanks for hanging with me, "being" with me.

About pulling away after getting closer - wowee. For any of the lurkers out there reading this post - take it to heart. My wife really did pull back. Strongly. She was so happy and peaceful at Christmas, watching the gifts and all. We had a nice evening the night before, shared a bottle of wine, talked quietly, ALONE in the house just us two. And then, 2 weeks later she is sending me angry emails about how I am stalking her. So yes, the pullback effect happens. Prepare for it.

But moving on...
Wow! for real? Wish them the best?!?!? Seriously?

I did mention him - a couple weeks ago. My daughter was wearing a winter coat I did not recognize. I inquired where it came from. W said the first name of OM's daughter. "Who?" said I... Then W said the first name and last name. "Oh."

I mentioned that I knew she was still seeing him, and then I remarked "if you spent half the effort on this marriage as you did on your relationship with OM, we wouldn't be in this situation."

Sound like good DBing to you?

heh heh.

I know, I know. "Do what works. Stick to your goals." etc etc. But sheesh, it makes no sense. She'll fly across the country for him, but she won't go Halloween trick-or-treating with me.

I know you are right though, about not worrying about OM and her. Actually you are more than right. You are exactly

But seriously, wish them the best?

She assured me at the time I made that remark that "OM and I are just friends." So if I believe her then wishing her "the best" with OM wouldn't really make sense now would it?

I guess I could still stick with "he's a great guy" and "I'm glad he's finding his happiness" or something like that. (from what friends tell me, he doesn't see his own kids now, still drinking, lamenting his pariah status, etc).

[SirPrizeMe]

Are there 12 stages of grief? I don't really know. All I know is that denial is one of them, and anger is another, and the final one is acceptance.

I am sort of waffling through the stages toward acceptance. I tell you, I would really like to reconcile with my wife, for a number of reasons:

- I've spent most of my life with her and I treasure the good times. We have a shared history that I will not duplicate with anyone else.

- we have 4 great kids and I want to be able to share them, I want to have a life where I can see them whenever I like, without involving a lawyer or a mediator to do so.

- I think reconciliation would be really good for the kids to see. A great gift to my kids.

- I still have dreams of getting a vacation home, having the kids invite their friends for the weekend, going skiing, seeing them off to the prom. All that stuff becomes much harder after a divorce.

At the same time, I think she's treated our marriage and me in particular, not very well. I don't want her "at any cost". I will settle only for something much better than what we had. Much, much better than what we had.

That means if we reconcile, she will have to be a new person. I will too. She would have to look at me with less suspiscion and allow trust to grow.

But I accept that may not happen.
I accept that she can make that decision, and I cannot.

I know I would be better off single, than with someone who cheats on me, someone who hides from me, someone who cannot truly commit. I definitely don't want that.

I'm more at peace with this situation now. still sad about it, but more at peace.

Is that dropping the rope?

[nutfarmer]

You're getting there. Have a peaceful weekend Sir.

[runningoutoftime]

But seriously, wish them the best?

Yes, seriously. There's a good chance that the more negative you are about a relationship like this, and the situation, the more she will want him. In a way it's almost like dealing with a teenager.... the things mom and dad don't want them to do are the things they are drawn to most, and once it's okay the novelty usually eventually wears away.

Here's another way to look at it. You've already tried being against this whole thing, pointing out OM's faults, trying to control the situation, and use logic to bring her back, etc... and it HASN'T WORKED. So if it doesn't work, try something else.

Perhaps doing the opposite will be more helpful (and maybe not!). But at least it's different and there's always a chance it may work. You can only try and gauge results.

Keep up the good work on dropping that rope. It's painful, but you'll get there. Have a great weekend. Do something special for yourself.

[runningoutoftime]

Hey, just pulled this from one of my old old posts, I was replying to someone else and sharing things I found helpful (like cleavage! Yikes!!! Sorry, that wouldn't help you)...

"One thing that has helped me is to think that since I love my husband so deeply, I need to support whatever decision he makes and be his friend... even if it means he no longer wants a life with me. It is excrutiatingly painful, but I like the idea of exiting with class. Good luck to you!"

[LL44]

Listen to root, one brilliant mind there.

I do this with H, tell him that I want him happy in life, whether its with me or someone else. I tell him that if he chooses OW, I hope it works, because no one deserves heartache. I tell him that I always want to know how his life is going and there is nothing we can't talk about. I tell him I support him in his decisions, even if he chooses to divorce me.

[SirPrizeMe]

Wow. That's a tough thing for me. I'm gonna have to think about that some more. Meditate on it.

I truly don't wish ill for my wife. I wish her the best. And, I don't wish bad things even for the man. Remember he was my friend, for a long time. To do the things they did, the way they did them? it shows that they were acting out of pain and hurt. I don't wish that for them.

But right now I cannot separate the divorce from the destruction of my family. I want her to be happy. Unquestionably. But this way? No one deserves heartache, for sure, but there are 4 children involved here. Seven if you count his kids! Can someone please stand up and act like a parent here? No one deserves heartache, I agree. But how broken-hearted are my kids going to be? Can someone please stand up and volunteer for adult duty?

People say "the kids will be FINE." Bullspit.

Divorce is not good for kids, period. They may be, I repeat may be FINE in spite of the divorce, not because of it. If your kid breaks his arm, he MAY be fine, or he may not. If it's a clean break, chances are he will heal well. If it is not clean, he may never regain full use of his arm. Now, if your spouse wants to break your kid's arm, do you "wish her the best"? "I support you in your decision to break junior's arm"??!?!?

If there were no kids involved, I would easily be able to say "best of luck!" Sure, I'd be hurt, but I would move on.

But there are children here.

I can see your point, though. I'm not there yet, but I can see it from here. Let me think about it some more.