Less Traveled Roads

[hopefloats7]

Hi Mickey & Angelica. I enjoyed reading your posts.

Just so I don't sound like an uncaring soul, I wanted to say that for well over 2 years all I did was offer love and kindness to my H, in the hopes he would want to reconcile with me. Holding on to that desire to reconcile was not allowing me to fully heal, but I wanted to save my marriage, so...

After moving away from H and thus reducing the actual in-person contact, I started to feel much better. The healing is well under way although for quite some time, I still hoped he would come out of this and want to reconcile. Late last year he again told me he can't and wouldn't do that; he had ruined too much. On the brink of beginning a new year, I decided that was the last time we would talk about it, and I told him as much. I said I knew we were done. And I meant it. He's made it clear and I frankly want something more than "this" for myself. Life is short. I still have so much I want to see, do, love.

So that is why these random texts from him cause me to question. If he's so done and such, then why bother? All it ends up doing is proving he's still so unsure of his life. But I don't care to keep up with the game, so to speak. I do reply cordially, but I don't offer up long conversations with him like a loving wife would do. He doesn't want me to be a loving wife, so I won't be acting like one.

Angelica is right about the tremendous loss. I know I have lost. But I am healing from it and by telling H that I knew we were done (and meaning it by my actions) I felt a lot of self worth come back and I know I am in control of my own life; it isn't dependent upon whether H comes out of a crisis anymore. I think too many LBS's end up in that rut. I know I was one of them for a very long time but I won't do that anymore. I wish the same for so many others.