Here's something from "Fear of Intimacy" - by Robert Firestone adn Joyce Catlett which I think is excellent and really applies to what we have been discovering on this board. Stuff that I've learned from alanon, stuff the guys have been learning in NMMNG, stuff we keep trying to help the newbies understand.
A healthy person has to learn to be "selfish". We have to learn to be honestly selfish, that is, we have to honestly face our needs and our feelings and face what we really want from others in our relationships. The more we face our simple wants the more we can be straightforward in our expression to the people closest to us and to ourselves. We have to give up parental, rejecting, critical, evaulative attitudes toward our simple wishes and feelings. We have to feel what we want and stop accusing ourselves of being babyish when we want things.
When we pursue our goals in an honest and direct manner, without deception, we actually are more moral and tend to have respect and empathy for other people. There is a sense of value for both ourselves and others. Following one's own motives and inclinations, within acceptable limits (with the exception of violations of the other's boundaries), does NOT lead to chaos or immoral behaviour. On the other hand, the hypocritical attitudes and dishonesty inherent in turning away from our needs often leads us to be more destructive or hostile to friends and loved ones.
Another reason why we haven't been wasting our time here. If the relationship ends up breaking down because one half is growing into themselves and either the other half isn't or they are growing but the growth shows fundamendal incompatibility (viz Lil and BF) then that is progress.
MWD does good work, but not all relationships are destined to make it. Many are built on sand. If we learn here how to build a relationship on something more solid than that is a good thing.
By the way the book I quoted is excellent. It is pretty academic in style but I have had more "wow" moments in the first 50 pages than in many other R books.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
