Tied to the Whipping Post

[Punktmann]

Yesterday morning, W was very angry, impatient w/ the kids and refused to speak to me. She slammed the door so hard when she left that it shook the wall. (And she wonders why she has to keep replacing the bulb in the exterior lamp right next to the door.)

Last night, after putting the kids to bed, W sort of started an R conversation. I was not really in the mood to have an R talk. I know, what spouse of an MLCer wouldn’t jump at the chance? I just wasn't in the mood. At one point, she said XYZ friend, ( a close friend of hers and the family,) thinks I still love you. "I said it doesn't matter." I left the room. I didn't feel right about that, it felt like I said something smart aleck, and I didn’t like leaving it on that note.

I went back to her, and said that I was sorry if I was abrupt. It did turn into an R talk, but for once, there was no anger from either of us. Nothing was said that would indicate a reconciliation, but it was very honest and calm, and lasted about an hour. Unfortunately, she seemed to want to hear what I thought more than for her to talk.

Some of the highlights:

Some things I said,

I said that I wanted her to understand that I was not angry with her, and that I was doing everything that I can to give her space. I said that I thought she knew how I felt about the D, but that I had finally gotten to the point that I will be fine either way, and that whatever happens, I won't be alone the rest of my life. (this last thing slipped out, and thankfully, it wasn’t said in a self righteous way. ) In that vein, I also said that I thought that she had felt like I was angry at her recently, b/c she had been asking me about that a lot, and that Ithought that the change in my behavior was not anger, but that I had stopped walking on eggshells for her, b/c I had finally realized that what is going on is not about "what is wrong with me." I also told her that I wasn’t perfect, and that I wasn’t trying to say that I couldn't have been a better husband. Also, what was going on was not "her fault," as in bad intentions, but that it is something that a lot of people, both men and women go through.

Some things she said,

Both her (early and short lived,) IC, and our MC told her that she was going through a MLC. This was a dramatic revelation, b/c prior to this, I had told her on occasion, (during fights, usually,) that I thought that her feelings were typical of an MLC. Until last night, she would deny this vehemently, and was furious at the suggestion. Duh, who would receive that well? She mostly just asked me questions though.


Some interplays that are worth noting.

I told her that I knew of a website that had a support forum for women who are in MLC, and that if she wanted to know about it, I would tell her the address, and that if she wanted it, I swear to her on my honor as a RTY, that I would never look at that site again. I meant it, and I think she knew what I meant by that oath.

She didn't ask me for the web address. I hope that she searches for it.


When I realized that I was doing most of the talking, I finished what I was saying, and just waited for her to talk or ask me another question. She sat quietly for a few minutes, and said something to the effect of well, it is what it is. I said yes, you're right, and got up to leave. She stopped me, and wanted to talk some more.



At the end, I stepped forward and kissed her on the top of her head and said "I love you." She replied, "I'm sorry," in a manner that suggested "I am sorry you love me because I'm a bad person," I said "I'm not." And left.