I keep expecting him to be the man I married! And, at one point he was a really great guy and SO nice to me. I think it's natural that I would expect him to be that person. I need to get it in my head that that person no longer exists. It sure looks like him, and I think it's got to be him, then he opens his mouth and I'm stunned.
He told me today that he has an appt with an attorney and he's going to file. I didn't even cry.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
He told me today that he has an appt with an attorney and he's going to file. ================================== It wouldn't surprise me if this is another mind game, that tomorrow he'll be telling you how you better change before he D's you, that he might change his mind if you turn into the "submisive" wife/slave he wants. I know it is hard to let go of the image of that good man you married, but it is necesary, glad you are realizing you are holding onto the ghost of what he used to be, that's why I keep saying 'let go'. Out of all the people in the whole DB board, I have never ever told anyone that they might be better off on their own, but I truly believe your H is psychotic and that you could be so much happier without him. My H did some hurtful stuff, lied and had an ow, but he never yelled at me, abused me verbally nor personally insulted me, in the end he acknowledged his faults and seeked help for his problems. When the respect is gone there isn't much left.
You can do so much better than him, you and your kids deserve so much better than this.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well cat03, you're right on. He told me again today that I need to decide what to do if I choose to have faith in him and trust him and move to TN or not. I told him there was no way I can make a decision to move to TN when we aren't even living together! He told me to stop using our marriage as an excuse to not move to TN! Well, Hello!! He told me we would work on our marriage if I agree to move, and that he would make me happy. Well, why can't he make me happy in CA??? He said I won't move because I don't trust him. What have I got to trust?
So, it's divorce or TN??? Both options sound really sucky! And, either way we'll have to sell our beloved house!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
You know, it just dawned on me today, why my soul clinges so much to my H even as I discover he's been lying to me and disregarding my feelings in the worst way. Because we see the outer "shell" of the man we married (the physical part, the lips that kissed us, the arms that held us with love long ago) and we forget that right now, inside that shell there is somebody totally different, this being who only cares for himself and who hurts us. What we want is inside, and that is just not possible until they decide to change and want to be loving Hs.
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So, it's divorce or TN??? Both options sound really sucky!
I'm in the piecing board, but due to recent events i'm contemplating separation, my H has turned toxic to himself and to me. Your H is so toxic is scary, even as you are S he stills barges in and still mistreats you, nothing has changed as long as he tried to reap the benefit of a H (come home to meals, ML, etc). You both need more space, the way it goes now he might've as well never left. Consider going dark, put up boundaries, he needs to learn to respect you.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Because we see the outer "shell" of the man we married (the physical part, the lips that kissed us, the arms that held us with love long ago) and we forget that right now, inside that shell there is somebody totally different, this being who only cares for himself and who hurts us. What we want is inside, and that is just not possible until they decide to change and want to be loving Hs.
amen sister. truer words were never spoken. I think you just nudged me into an epiphany.
*dated at age 12- 15 (me) and age 13-16 (him) *reunited at age 19 (me) and age 20 (him) *me 23, H 25 *married 3 1/2 years, 1 d *dropped ILYBINILWY bomb on 12/19/07 *moved out same day, PA with OW confirmed
Good luck on your decision. Divorce or TN. I can't imagine you would want to move all the way to TN the way he is acting right now. But if you do, go.
My H is going to be moving to Omaha for a job next month, I am just sure of it after the interview he had today. He actually told his mom he assumed me and the kids would come, too. Last night he told me it would suck if we didn't move with him. Well, it would suck if we did and nothing changed, too....
It is just something you will have to think about, and me too. I will be thinking of you, keep us posted!
Is it possible for you to show faith in your H like he wants and move to TN? Maybe by giving you this ultimatum he is expressing his real desire for your M to continue, even if he said it in a bad kind of way. He is supposed to be the spiritual leader of your house, and maybe taking a leap of faith is what it's going to take. L
VC, my H also expressed "real desire" for our M, all the while continuing to see ow and lying to my face. ladybug's H is abusive in a scary way, and has shown no signs of accepting his faults or compromising with her.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
