New -Devestated and Feeling Hopeless

[fooled again]

Oh Ellis, I wish I didn't know how you are feeling, but I do. You are tired from doing it all yourself, and if that's not enough, you are trying to learn something new. You have been put in a position you never asked for and never, ever thought you would be in, forced to cope not having any idea if what you are doing is right. You are doubting yourself; you haven't worked for many years and you think being 40 puts you at a disadvantage compared to the 20 yr olds you are training w/. You hurting for your D, for the rejection she feels, while hurting for yourself and the rejection you feel. You would like to curl up and hide from the world and lick your wounds, but you still have to care for your D and help her heal. You are feeling as though you are all alone and no one knows what you feel like.

I know this is hard for you to believe right now, but it will get better. Being 40 brings with it a patience and strength that you don't realize you have, and you certainly didn't have in your 20's. It is there inside of you, but you can't get to it b/c you are in too much pain. The only way to get through this is to do it, day by day, bit by bit. Each day will get a tiny bit easier. You can't do anything about what your H is doing to your D except distract her and help her concentrate on the good things in her life. My H would disappear for days at a time, no call, no text, no word. I should have known what was going on, but I refused to believe what my instinct was telling me. When my H did tell my D he would call or come see her, I would prepare her by saying it might not happen. I guess I trained her to stop believing Daddy would be there for her, but it was the only way to keep her from feeling it was her fault.

My advice to you is for neither of you to count on him at all right now. His world is about OW, and nothing else matters. Maybe he will wake up and see what he is doing, but for now, you need to act as though his word means nothing. Go to pick up your D from after care even if he says he will - your D needs to see that YOU will be there for her, YOU will never let her down, that she can ALWAYS count on her. Don't talk about why Daddy didn't come, just say you don't know but it's okay b/c you'll always take care of her.

You miss your H, but the H you miss is someone that exists only in your mind. How would you be living your life if your H was dead? Maybe that's the way to get through this. The man you knew and loved, your H the way you thought of him, he IS dead and he will never return. If your H does come back ever, he will be a different man completely, you will be a different woman completely, and your M will be completely different. It can never be the same, even if it can be fixed.

I realize now that for a long time, my H and I probably had an idea of each other in our minds that wasn't real, wasn't accurate. We lost touch w/ each other and we stopped communicating and didn't see the changes we each were going through, and b/c of that we had no idea who the other was becoming. But the image in my mind of my H hadn't changed. Now I don't know if OW is completely gone, but I'm trying to concentrate on getting to know my H all over again, as if I am dating him. Maybe when I do get to know him, who he is now, I won't like or love the person he has become and I will decide not to continue w/ him. I have to realize that the person I thought I was married to does not exist anymore - in front of me now is a new man, for the better or worse.

For now, this is what I have to do to maintain my self respect and confidence and to honestly decide what is best for me and my D. But the only way I could get to this point is by figuring out who I have become, who I am, what I want in my life. It has taken me 1.5 years to get to this point. It has been difficult, painful, many days I lost hope and faith in myself. My D has helped me get to this point, and helped keep me from feeling sorry for myself b/c I realized that I need to be a model for the kind of woman I hope my D will become. I imagined my D in the same sitch as I am in and tried to think of how I would hope that she would react.

It's still really hard, and I still have to take things day by day. I miss my old life, the one where I was a SAHM, everything was safe and good and I had no worries. I do mourn the loss of that life, but that's doesn't help me, so I have to push those feelings aside and concentrate on my life the way it is now. I know I still have a long way to go, that my M is no where near being something I can say is "fixed", that my H is still very much a stranger to me and that I very well may never get what I wish for. It doesn't sound very encouraging, but somehow it's okay b/c now I know that I will be fine no matter what happens w/ my M, and I know that I am driving my life, not just going along for the ride.

I believe you will get there too, in time, but you need to be patient w/ yourself, take it day by day and believe that somehow it will all be okay. This will not kill you.

FA