Mine admitted on Dec 27 to me to the A. I think my GAL and bending over backwards to change the things that had bothered him for the last 3.5 months did it. He has now gone to C with me, said he wants to work on M, and is getting rid of her (may have already? not sure yet). He APOLOGIZED to me for his bad behavior! He said he NEEDS me and MISSES me. What the....??? I HAD confronted him recently about getting rid of her, but that was after he finally admitted the A. Then I got down to brass tacks and backed way off, gave the message there WILL NOT be 3 of us in a marriage. Acted like I was moving on, divorce was ok with me, I'm done. Then his panic set in and the ball started rolling really fast. He has cried for the first time, truly remorsefully.
All I can say is that it wasn't the initial reaction I had back in September of cramming phone records and such in his face that made him want to work on this. It was me backing off, apologizing to him if I brought stuff up when he wasn't ready to deal with it, telling him I understand the pressure he had been under, basically showed him respect even when he didn't deserve it, for as long as I could until my stores were spent. I also got a life and did things to make myself pretty and happy. (But not so much that he thought I was happier without him.) Turns out he said, he has been wanting to see how committed I am in the marriage and didn't think I loved him anymore. My patience and kindness for 3.5 months showed him I do and that I hadn't given up.
Think about this: who wants to come home to someone repeatedly throwing in your face what a loser you are? He knows he is screwing up royally. You know he is having an A. He'll admit it when he feels you are a safe place to open up and will not treat him like an ogre for it. It is taking all of my energy to muster it up, too, so I understand. Believe me, I understand. But try to present a desirable package to him. Pretend you're trying to win over a guy you just met that is dating around.
Good luck, be strong, you can do it. It's ok to be insecure, but try not to show him that. Show you are worthy and caring and respectable.
Me 41 H 47 D9 S3 M 16 yrs WAH Sep 07 PA Aug 07 12/07 Admitted A 1/08 C 1/15 H needs me 5/7/08 came home 7/08 We moved to MD 10/08 M bad again 11/24/08 fled to GA(OW),filed D 12/8/08 Back in MD 12/23/08 I countered 12/29/08 path back?
Oh, one more thing, mine said he told his L to drop all of the D papers and forget about it, he's working on M.
H is on business trip until Feb 1, said we will have huge talk to plan future when he returns.
And yes, I'm trying my best to monitor OW whereabouts while he's gone. Plus he sent me pic of self at work on business trip. But I don't trust where OW is, so I am trying to verify that she is still here.
Anyway, basically he's on the right track, even if we have a very long road ahead and trust issues, etc.
Me 41 H 47 D9 S3 M 16 yrs WAH Sep 07 PA Aug 07 12/07 Admitted A 1/08 C 1/15 H needs me 5/7/08 came home 7/08 We moved to MD 10/08 M bad again 11/24/08 fled to GA(OW),filed D 12/8/08 Back in MD 12/23/08 I countered 12/29/08 path back?
I didn't know about H's A until I had started work on me because our M wasn't OK. Apart from the fact that you knew about OP our situations were similar. Once H knew I loved him still and recommitted he NEVER look back. Well done lady. I think your outlook was spot on anf have faith in his actions. I know it is hard and pieceing is not an easy road but just keep going.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
It seems to me that much of the advice on here is either on one extreme or another: either "throw cell records in their face" or "accuse", or "just make myself pretty and hope he comes back to me" kind of stuff.
I may be old-fashioned, but I did neither. When I had proof of my wife's infidelity, I simply said "I know about you and ______, and it has to stop. You're being disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family, and I won't tolerate it. You have a decision to make, and I won't wait forever for you to make it."
And that was my approach. She fought like hell for 2-3 months, and I ultimately had to serve her with divorce papers, but she ended the affair, came clean with her parents and our adult daughters, and finally came to me in tears begging me to take her back.
Most people focus entirely on the efficacy of what will "work" to get the wayward spouse back. And I also think confrontation and exposure works on that front, but not always. But I also think there's another consideration, and that is the self-respect of the betrayed spouse! What is your personal integrity, and how can you live with YOURSELF if you simply sit back and tolerate your spouse's affair? How much respect will THEY then have for YOU that you tolerated it?
They may scream like a demon with holy water poured on them, but later, they will see how you fought for them and for your marriage, and your kids will see how you did the same.
Just to clarify to chocolate eyes: I did the thing where I tried to improve myself, but after 3 months I gave him the ultimatum too. I realized that in the goal to be succinct on here I left that out. I pretty much made it clear right before counseling and during our counseling session that I would not work on the marriage with the OW involved. The C said to him he needs to make a decision. I had started to back way off the couple weeks prior and didn't interact as much with him. What I'm saying is, I totally agree with your approach, because after doing all you can it really does come down to self-respect and what we do or don't have to put up with.
I ended up melding two approaches, the divorce busting one, and the tough love approach, after I divorce busted as long as I could. So far I think my instincts were good. Personally I feel too many people on here divorce bust and put up with crappy behavior for too long. Sometimes I think the message needs to be clear that you won't take any more garbage from them. The only way the fool sees the light is when the wheels start coming off.
I think I'm rambling...
Peace, out.
Me 41 H 47 D9 S3 M 16 yrs WAH Sep 07 PA Aug 07 12/07 Admitted A 1/08 C 1/15 H needs me 5/7/08 came home 7/08 We moved to MD 10/08 M bad again 11/24/08 fled to GA(OW),filed D 12/8/08 Back in MD 12/23/08 I countered 12/29/08 path back?
Jen, if that's rambling, then you're a pretty damned good rambler.
I could not agree with you more. Simply sitting around, waiting for the cheating spouse to "oh pretty please come back to me" disgusts me, to be honest with you.
I'm glad you told your husband that he had a decision to make, and I think you were smart not to do counseling or work on the marriage until he DOES make that decision. It's a physiological fact that the endorphines and other brain chemicals raging thru a wayward spouse's body while they're in an active affair make them unable to meet any of the betrayed spouse's emotional needs, nor are they in a position to have THEIR needs met, other than by the OW/OM.
Personally I feel too many people on here divorce bust and put up with crappy behavior for too long.
Count me as one. I think "waiting" and DBing may have cost me my marriage. I should have put my foot down a long time ago.
However, I am more prepared for the divorce now. If I had put my foot down, and she called my bluff, I would have been a mess. As things stand now, I say "Bring it on. Let me out of this prison."
Seems like I'm caught up in your trap again Seems like I'll be wearing the same old chains Good will conquer Evil And the truth will set me free And I know some day I will find the key I know somewhere I will find the key Seems like I've been playing your game way too long Seems the game I've played has made you strong When the game is over I won't walk out the loser I know I'll walk out of here again I know someday I'll walk out of here again
Well now I'm Trapped OOh yeah Trapped OOh Yeah Trapped
Seems like I've been sleeping in your bed too long Seems like you've been meaning to do me harm But I'll teach my eyes to see Beyond these walls in front of me Someday I'll walk out of here again Someday I'll walk out of here again
