H had an affair, now wants me back,,,

[ntl]

So...H is returning shortly. Should be here in about 3 1/2 hours.

I am trying to tidy up and get the house looking organized. One of things about H is that he starts getting stressed out and doesn't cope as well when the house is a wreck. His emotional/business/physical well-being is very strongly tied to the order or DISorder around him.

I am quite the opposite, of course. I don't mind messes and am perfectly fine with dirty dishes in the sink...WAIT. Actually...I am not that person anymore. It's so strange. Everything got so out of order in my life: my marriage, my work life was falling apart, I was getting screwed up physically from not eating and being stressed out, that I felt like the disorder in my home was making me loony.

I talked to my C about it and she said to me that sometimes that happens. That when everything gets out of control, you find something that you can CONTROL, and you fixate. Sometimes you fixate too much and it becomes almost OCD. She said to watch myself and how I feel when I see things out of order. She says if I start to feel anxiousness and fear, then I need to start to talk to her about it more regularly, because that's an unhealthy sign. I really think she's great. She's really big on being very introspective and really getting to the root of why you're feeling a certain way. In her opinion, most "feelings" are a result of fear and hurt. And when you distill it to that level, you can deal with those more easily.

Anyway...just rambling. Needed to get some feelings out.

Strangely, I am a little nervous/apprehensive/excited about H coming home. On the one hand, I was exceptionally fine this week, apart from a 3 instances where I felt very scared and uncertain. But, on the other hand, I saw that I was able to handle everything just fine and that I reading the Upanishads and the Dhammapada (ancient eastern philosophical texts) really helped me.

Hope everyone is having, or has had, a great Saturday.

Regards,

ntl