In a way I see your wife's point that things are worse now that she has told you what she's thinking and you are reacting to it. Before you were still involved in the marriage despite the fact that she had turned away. Now you are both turned away, and that is worse.
If you believe as I do that communication is the most important thing in a marriage, the fact that the two of you are now both looking outside for emotional support and talking to other people, not each other is a bad sign. If the marriage is to have a chance, then others need to be in a secondary position, and primary communication should be just the two of you. The question is, how to shift it back to that.
The best answer I have is to go to a Retrouvaille weekend. Check out the website http://www.helpourmarriage.org. for dates and locations. It is 2 days of learning how to communicate effectively. Does it solve all problems? No. But it does solve communication problems, and from there you have the tools to solve other problems.
You tell us of your conversations with her, you said this, she said that. None of it is getting either of you closer together. You are waving to each other from the bows of two ships going in different directions. You will continue to drift further and further apart unless you fix the communication problem.
If you think that you and she could have a better relationship than this, and if you think your kids deserve a happy household with both a mother and a father, then talk to her about taking 2 days to improve the communication. Book a Retrouvaille weekend. No matter which way it goes, together or apart, you will get a lot out of the weekend. It is a great place for spiritual growth.
