My H is moving into his apartment next week. I think we are telling the kids Tues, letting them visit the apartment Wed, then they can spend a day there w/H over the weekend. The problem is, I am not sure yet WHAT we are telling them. S is 5, D is 20 months so she's not really the issue.
Per our MC, we are going to make matching calendars for S to put in both his bedrooms. Each will have the days he sees his Dad labeled with a D in marker. H wants to spend one night a week at our house with the kids and me, and one night w/kids at his house (they will come back to sleep at our house bc he works too early to get them to daycare). Also alternate weekends where they stay with each of us. Nothing legal, just us working out a schedule. So I am thinking a D with a little house figure when S goes to H's apartment, a D without a house when H comes to our house. And H and I talked in the car last night (kids at sitters) and decided we want to go to church together as a family on Sundays.And to family events (weddings/funerals,etc). It is just a weird situation. H went from having an A, saying he wants a D, to saying he ended the affair and wants to work on our marriage and "try to fix it". He hasn't committed to official R, backs off from that kind of finality/concrete-ness, but says he wants to try. Which is why we will be spending some of the time together. He also wants to continue MC to try to "fix it", and will be going to individual C, as am I, to work on the problems that he know he has internally--I am going to "fix me", too! Hopefully if he can face his demons or whatever and I can work on the places where I know I have not been true to myself, we can come together again. But that is not what you tell a 5 year old. MC said it is okay to say we don't know if we will get back together again. I guess at least we aren't having to tell him we are getting a D, not yet, anyway, and I hope not ever. The original plan was to say that H has been doing things that make Mommy unhappy, and that he needs some time away, kind of like a Time Out. This idea came from MC. Then to say that we don't know if/when Daddy will come back, but that Mommy loves S, and Daddy loves S, none of this is his fault, we will always be a family, etc..... Do you guys think that is what we should say? Our S is smart, he asked me the other day why I cry so much and why daddy is so mad a lot. I told him last night, Mommy loves you so much, and Daddy does, too. I am sorry you are worried about Mommy crying so much. Daddy has just been upset a lot lately and Mommy is sad about it. But I love you and Daddy does too. His immediate question was, "But do you love each other?" OUCH--knife in heart! I said of course, Mommy and Daddy will always love each other. Which may have been wrong to say, but is true. Even at our worst fight, my husband has said even if he left me forever he would always love me, and I know the same is true for me. But is it wrong to say we love each other when H is moving out in a matter of days? Please give me advice!!
Do NOT put blame on one or the other of you! Don't do the "Daddy has done things to make Mommy unhappy", uh uh. I would go with what S has seen that "Mom and Dad aren't happy together, Mommy cries alot and Daddy is mad alot, we don't like living this way. We think we all will be happier if we live in separate houses" Talk about all the things that will make the children feel secure, let them know they are absolutely NOT to blame for any of it, this is between Mom and Dad. Lay out the plans for them, include some ideas from them re schedule etc if possible. Tell them "we are still going to be a family but a different kind of family", tell them that Dad and Mom are going to try to be friends (if that is true) and keep going to Church together etc. I would be a little leery about H sleeping at your home once per week, that seems a bit confusing for the kids. Just remember that this will be a heartwrenching discussion for all of you, the kids will cry big time and so might you and H, that's OK. It's OK for the kids to see some adult pain as long as it doesn't supercede their own. My heart goes out to you.
Unfortunately my D4 saw a lot of the fighting. So, when h moved out, I simply told her that mommy and daddy need to learn to treat each other better before we can live together. Mommy and daddy are learning how to be nice to each other. I also reminded her that I am not going anywhere. I don't want her thinking that because daddy moved out, mommy may also move out. I also tell her all the time that mommy and daddy love her so much. She made a comment last week, "maybe if I sing a funny song for daddy, he'll move back home." I didn't want her thinking that she has anything to do with the decision for h to move back home. Like thinking she can do something for this to work out. Too much pressure on a 4yr old. So, I told her that it's between mommy and daddy to work things out.
We also made calling daddy a bedtime ritual. Something we were doing before he moved out (he works nights). We just continued that.
It's so hard and heartbreaking. There may be a lot of questions and tears. Sometimes we'll just be driving in the car and D4 will start crying because she wants daddy home. Give them loves and hugs and tell him it's OK to cry.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Sorry if I didn't clarify. H will not be sleeping at our home one night a week. He will come out, play with kids, eat dinner, etc., then go back to his place to sleep. He just says w/him not able to take kids to school in a.m. it is easier to come out to our place, and I encourage that bc of course some nights I will go out but others I will be around for him to notice!? And desperately want back...hee hee
That is what I am dreading, my kids crying and asking for Daddy. I know why we are separating and that we hope for a reunion/positive outcome, so if it were just me I would basically be eager for the separation to start the "work on our marriage" ball rolling. But when the little ones are involved it is going to be so much harder...I will take all of the advice here. I don't like blaming either of us either. I think you are right. point out what S is already seeing. We make each other unhappy right now and have to learn how to be good to each other again, something like that...
So I think we are telling our S in 5 days. I say think bc it keeps changing. H was moving out on the 14th. Then bc he is out of town this week, 1/16-1/20, he told the movers to come on the 21st. So he pushed his lease back to start on 1/21. He will go meet the furniture movers on the 21st, then I don't know if he is telling S with me that night, or not. Tues. 1/22 he has bowling and never gets done until S is in bed. So if we don't tell him Monday, we won't tell him until Wed. H is really dragging his feet, says he "dreads" telling our S. I am wondering what will happen to H emotionally when he physically "moves in" to his apt. on Monday. Of course in my fantasy life he will have the great epiphany I have been hoping for, but I am CERTAIN that won't happen. He is a practical guy in some ways and I think that since he's already bought the furniture and signed the lease he will stick it out at least a month or two to justify making those purchases. Anyway he left yesterday on his trip at 5:30 a.m. Sent me a text around 10:30 am, and called to talk to me at 7:30 p.m. Then he called me again at 7:30 a.m. today to "see how I was doing/how things were going". So he is separating, but contacted me 3 times in 24 hours once he is physically out of the house? I know it is an out-of-state trip, not the actual separation, but still. He says he wants time and space and when he finally has it, he is contacting me repeatedly? Not that I mind, I am glad he is contacting me bc I planned to not contact him whatsoever while he was gone since he says he needs space. Anyway, we haven't rehearsed "the talk" yet, or filled out our visitation calendars that our MC suggested we fill out, and that we agreed to fill out. H's only comment was that he knows we "need" to do it, but he just doesn't want to, dreads it, etc. Question is, should I tell him I don't want him moving out until we have the calendar filled out for the rest of Jan. and Feb., and have rehearsed "the talk"? Or should I just wait until he says he is leaving and then ask him about those two things? I don't think he would just slink off without handling the preparations but you never know. I read the hesitancy as him not sure he wants to leave. But I can't push it or I will solidify his need to leave?? Any advice appreciated...
CRAP! So my MIL called last night--she calls every other day to check in on us, always has. Anyway, I mentioned my H's company might be sold and he's scared he may lose his job. She said, "That will be hard with a mortgage to pay." I said, "Yeah, and apartment rent and furniture"--my H said his parents know he is moving out. Then again, he also told his mom he left OW a week before he actually did. Anyway, she said, "Well, he hasn't got an apartment, he has just looked at them." Hello?? He moves in MONDAY!! So I said, "I know he put down a deposit." I am not telling her the story bc it isn't my place and H HATES when I talk to MIL behind his back about our sitch, even though she will call and tell me things he tells her that make our sitch sound WAY less serious?? She says, "Well, that's silly he put down a deposit but I am sure he won't actually decide to move. And he better not get furniture bc we have a ton here at the house he knows he can use." It's true, his mom is yard sale and auction-obsessed and I swear has a hoarding fetish. They have a crapload of furniture and assorted crud all over their house. But anyway, the point is: 1)MIL (H's mom) thinks he won't really move out 2)MIL thinks he'd ask her for furniture instead of buying new In reality 1)H is moving out MONDAY! (In 3 days!) 2)H and I went to the furniture store and he got almost $3000 worth of furniture, bedding, etc.
So, I know 1)A lot of H's problems, why he seems to be in a downward spiral, is his Mom has always been way overinvolved and told him how to run his life, so he is rebelling to an extent over thinking I am also trying to run his life 2)H can't stand it if I tell his mom things he doesn't want her to know (this has been a pattern all 16 yrs we've been together, he would even have me lie about coming up to visit him in college if he thought it would make her mad), so I CAN'T tell her about his moving out. 3)When finally sharing his feelings Tues night, H said he feels all women have an agenda and he may never be able to trust a woman--I think this is partly due to me, partly due to his obsessed recently-ex-OW whom he calls PSYCHO, and a LOT due to his meddling mom.
So, What do I do? I am thinking I should say/do nothing. But his mom will be super pi$$ed if she calls the house next week to talk to H and then I say he moved out. H has called me 2x a day from his trip to Denver the past 2 days. I am trying to be upbeat and NO R talk since he keeps contacting me. So to talk to him about MIL and tell him he needs to tell her about his move would be a MAJOR mood-killer. Plus I am hopeful that maybe she is right, he is having second thoughts--as much as I hate it, sometimes she still can tell what he is going to do better than I can. She told me he was done with the OW and he wasn't, but 4 days later he ended it with her... Any thoughts? What do I do? She calls a lot so I know I will talk to her over the weekend? I don't want to lie anymore but I don't know what to do, just tell her to ask him how things are going with us?? I am a little afraid to do that too, bc if she calls him in Denver and yells at him, tells him he better not move out and leave his family (She would TOTALLY do something like that), he may do it just to rebel against her? He gets back from Denver Sun. and moves out Mon. Thanks for advice!
Haven't talked to MIL since four days ago when I DIDN'T tell her H was moving out. Have talked to H every day except today (although it is only noon so who knows), but HE has been the one to call ME. Haven't brought up the MIL sitch bc I really am not sure how to do it without causing a fight. Guess if/when he starts packing up Monday I will have to mention it? Also, we haven't talked AT ALL about who will have the kids which days/weekends. Also haven't talked about how we are telling our S. Do I continue to wait for him to take the lead? I feel like since he is the one who wants to move out and take time to "figure himself out", he should have to take responsibility for working on our time schedule and talking to our kids about it. I really want to work on my GAL--schedule nights out with a friend, buy tickets to a concert or something like that--but since I don't know which nights are my "kid nights", I don't want to schedule anything yet. No need to pay a sitter on a night I get to have my kids when I can go out on "Dad's night". ANY ADVICE??
So today is moving day. Not really moving, but move-in day. There is no moving truck. But the furniture store is delivering his stuff to his apt. at noon today. We are supposed to get drizzle and I actually kind of hope we do, immature I know but oh well. So anyway, H got back yesterday afternoon from Denver. Had a pretty nice afternoon and evening playing w/kids. But at one point, can't remember how it happened, he said to me "I don't want to move out". Then the kids said something and we had to move on, won't talk about it in front of them. I know it was BAD DB-ing but once they were in bed I asked him about his comment. He repeated that he didn't want to move out, he was dreading it. With no pleading (I PROMISE!) I said that all I have wanted for him is for him to do what HE wants to do. So I said if you don't want to move out, call the furniture store in the morning, tell them not to deliver the stuff. Call the apt. and see what kind of deal you can reach re. the lease, maybe pay half the time frame (6 months total) or something. I said if you do not want to move it will be easier to stop it before you start the process. Then I asked if he still wanted to work on the M. He said yes of course. I said well we could work on it from the same home if you choose. Separate bedrooms or whatever would still be fine, but we could work on it from the house if he didn't want to move. He didn't respond and I realized he had fallen asleep (he was on couch, I was in a chair). I called his name, he muttered and then said "I am moving out bc I told you I think it is what I need to do." I said, "I understand it is what you said you needed to do but if you don't want to do it---" "Then don't, right?" he interrupted, bc that is what I have said before. I said, "No, I am not going to tell you not to move out. I am saying do what you want to do. If you have decided you don't want to move out, I am just saying don't do it bc you already had it planned out in your mind. Do it bc you want to, or don't if you don't want to." Then I went to bed. The question I have is about the kids. Now that H is leaving, I intend to go with the Last-Last Resort of not talking to him period unless it is about the kids. H, as expected, did nothing re. the visitation schedule. So I made one up for the rest of Jan. and Feb., giving him two nights a week and alternate weekends. There were two weekends in a row where I already know he has plans (a work meeting one Sat. morning, a Kid Rock (yes, really!) concert the following Sat.), but I assigned him one anyway and he will have to learn how fun it is to line up a sitter. So anyway I left the calendars on the table for him, and told him before I went to bed that I had made the schedule and it was on the table. He said ok. This morning, he left, and the schedule is still on the table. He hasn't packed or taken a thing with him, even his shaving kit is open and scattered around the bathroom sink. Since I know he'll have to come get stuff since he is staying at the apt. tonight, I asked my mom to take the kids after school/daycare tonight, and I plan to go out all evening so I am not here when he gets here. But RE. the kids, do I push the schedule thing? Or just assume he will follow it??? And he said he wants to tell the kids Wed. (he will be moving stuff tonight and bowls on Tuesdays), but we have never discussed exactly how/what we are telling the kids or practiced it. So I want to do the NO CONTACT thing, but what do I do to resolve the "telling the kids" and "visitation schedule" issues?? On an unrelated note he came in the bedroom crying this morning and stroked my hair, told me goodbye. Was really broken up.So maybe the alien is only taking over his body 90% of the time? I was super brave, didn't cry, just looked him in the eye and said, "Goodbye, I will see you some day" bc I don't know when exactly I will see him. I didn't follow him or call him or anything, just went back to sleep.
So H called at 11:15. I ignored it at first but his voice was really anxious. I got on the phone, he said his boss told him he wants him to take a couple weeks off to "get his head together" and then go back to work. H's ex-ow threatened to try and get him fired when he broke it off with her 3 wks ago. And he was on vacation from work Wed-Fri last week so maybe she said/did something while he was gone. I don't know. Also, the day before he went on vacation he said he thought his company just got bought by a bigger one. So maybe they are doing restructuring and think if they fire him before the merger they won't have to give him severance or anything? Anyway H was freaked out,said he was afraid he was going to get fired. Told boss he would like afternoon off--moving into apt. this afternoon which boss doesn't know--but then wanted to be back tomorrow and after that. Told boss H needed work to keep himself focused and not dwell on his problems (H's boss knows about the A but thought it was over in November, H has taken long lunches to go to MC w/me and boss knows it). Boss said fine, take the afternoon off, but I think you need a couple weeks. Twenty minutes later (11 am), boss emails h, "Get the f**k out of here".He just talks that way, he is a cocky, mouthy guy in general. He just meant H needed to leave. H went into boss' office & told him he was leaving in the AFTERNOON. Boss said just go now. That is when H called me from his truck. He shows up at home 10 min later asking for # of furniture co. I am on the computer entering checks in Quicken. I don't get up but am looking for # on computer when he says he has it. H is upstairs on phone. I stay on computer doing my work. H comes down a few minutes later and says he stopped the furniture order. Says nothing re. apartment and I don't ask. I stay on computer whole time but say, "Let me know if you need anything, I am here for you". He says thanks and says he is going back to work to try to talk to boss. Really freaked he may lose job. That was 3 hrs. ago. No word back and I am not calling. He is either at work or at his apartment. Although with no furniture, he'd have to come get some of ours to move in. And he has not so much as a toothbrush with him... My plan is to stay the course, NO CONTACT on my part. He didn't say he WASN'T moving out, just that he stopped the furniture order. And for all I know he stopped it temporarily till he finds out about his job. So hanging in there doing my own thing the rest of the day. If there is something I need to know, he'll let me know. But I am going to stay out of the house all evening in case he comes back for his things. It isn't my job to make sure he is okay.....
