I was referring mostly to not setting any boundaries (especially with the e-mailing in front of you), the pursuing him emotionally (and even physically), and initiating relationship talks.
I think you're doing GREAT on the GAL stuff!!!
If he stopped e-mailing in front of you, I'm glad that you no longer have to deal with that, but I think you missed an opportunity to stand up for yourself (and frankly, put the azz-hole in his place) that might have led to some significant gains in your self-esteem.
That's OK -- you're doing great, and something tells me that this guy is going to give you lots of other opportunities, sad to say. Try to think about what your "non-negotiables" are -- some boundaries that you can draw that mean a lot to you -- and draw them and learn to enforce them. It will really help your self-dignity, and it also doubles as making you more attractive.
To me, they were:
1) Not texting, or talking on cellphone, OM in front of me or the kids, or even from our house.
2) I canceled her cellphone, telling her "I'm not going to pay for a phone for you to use to carry on your affair." Withing 3 hours, she had her own, and of course she simply carried on from there, but I felt better about myself, and she told me later she respected my stand.
3) I insisted that she be honest with me, and with our adult daughters, and with her parents. If she chose to continue on in her affair, that was her decision, but even if we weren't going to make it, HONESTY would have to be the foundation of our family, and hadn't we always taught our kids that? She came clean with our daughters and our parents.
4) In addition to the cellphone, I also told her that I would continue to meet all of our family's NEEDS, financially, including hers, but I would no longer pay for anything that she used to make herself more attractive to anyone besides her husband. This included her hair (I paid for cuts, that's it -- no highlighting, coloring), her nails, sexy things from Victoria's Secret, and clothing beyond her basic needs.
5) I insisted that she answer her cellphone when it was from me or the house, as the kids might be calling (she would leave them home alone, aged 14 and 11, for 3-5 hours and not answer her phone when we would call, and I learned for a fact that many of those times she was with OM).
She respected ALL of these, even tho she continued on with her affair for another two months. I had decided that if SHE decided to be unfaithful, that I could not stop her, but I damned sure wasn't going to enable her in it, and that I needed to have my own boundaries -- areas of personal integrity -- if I was going to POSSIBLY even carry on with my life.
Being cheated upon is damaging enough on one's psyche; you can make it a little better by having some personal "boundary" victories as you work thru this, Karen.
