well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[Aud31]

Praying with you hon, fight those ANTs baby!

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
This is a long, slow process... but he IS making progress. This will take a lot of patience and strength on your part.

It's one thing to know that what your'e doing is harmful (i.e. analyzing things with OW despite the harmful effects on your M) and actually stopping doing it. Only he can get to that place where he's ready to move past the past.

Patience and strength. You can do it.

[ACJ]

Cat the last time I checked in on you was at the start of this thread. Things seem to be improving compared to that point in time so I am happy for you.

[cat03]

thanks guys, a little bit of despair creeps in, as I try to make the adjustment that his moods do not reflect on me as a person but are a product of his internal conflict.

He really feels awful, suggested to see his t perhaps 2x a week. I'm starting to make peace again with the fact that I have to/can be happy on my own regardless of what happens. I'm glad some of you see some progress, it weights on my heart sometimes how far i have to go, but i know all things are possible through God.

[runningoutoftime]

Just keep hanging in there sweetie. My good thoughts and prayers are with you. You are a truly amazing person.

[cat03]

and my Everest has reached new heights, more hearache for me ...
Long story short, i find yet another phone, in a nutshell, H never really broke it with ow, she's always thought we were separated, he promised her an R after a D, never gave her the goodbye letter, the 600$ for car repairs he owed her? went to her mortage, because "she was in a real bad place"...
I have now become those people whom you shake your heads at and wonder why she is a sucker for punishments...because i still love him, and for the kids. This was supposed to be "it", if I ever found out I said, well... He's been in contact with her, mostly because she threaten to use some compromising picts of the two of them to his work and the world, he panicked, got a phone 'cause she said so, and was living a double life... yet again, afraid of loosing his job, half ass trying to see if we could work things out (the C told him in 2 sessions how we wouldn't have a chance w/ow in the pict, was very specific)

H is in a real real bad place, even worse than before, still cares so much about her regardless everything and dies at the thought of telling her truth, bears responsability for her selling herself (she told him how she'd be ruined for any R because of him). He thinks she's just sad and confused, some emails he read (snooping) told of her being "disgusted and sad" with having sex for money, H feels she is just a poor soul he wanted to help.
He went to see his C, at that point he talked of S for his own good and how messed up he was and that perhaps an S would help, things were up in the air about us until after the C.
Then he came home and insisted on giving her 600$, supposedly he broke it w/her over the phone (despite my telling him i wouldnt' take him back unless we both face her), he wants to give her one more chance to "right" herself, that his conscience will be at peace if he does this one thing for her, that way she wont' sell herself for at least two months and that he wouldnt' care what she'd do next, that he'd cut all contact. At one point, told me how he'd try to work thngs out w/me and wouldn't go back to her, that he just wanted the pain to end. I said no of course, he is adamant, talked about how he'd do it and make up for it later, that she could have that, that he'd be with me and never contact here again.
I reasoned w/him that there was no tellign when she'd come back for more $$, that it was an awful idea. He backtracked and said he couldnt' make the call (me listening to him saying there was no divorce and him staying w/me) that he was not strong enugh, that he lead her on for months and he felt responsible 4 her.

Ok, too much was said, but in the end he's still here, not totally clear yet were we stand, we are going to C on Thusday, not soon enough, not that i expect a silver bullet there, but for H to see that his reasoning is still faulty, H knows this but in regards to ow he's trying to make it so she won't hurt.

Lord give me patience and wisdom, i feel like i've aged years, this is a never ending nightmare.

[runningoutoftime]

Somehow you have to emotionally separate him and his problems from you and the kids. I think this is the only way to keep some sanity, if possible. Take very good care of you.

[BeingMe]

Okay, this is just my opinion, but that OW is playing him like a fiddle. Where is his concern for how his children are doing, and what this is going to do to their lives? I am sorry, Cat, you are a strong, loving woman, but surely, surely, you are not going to let him pull you around by the nose. Do you really want this man for a H, for a father of your children ... the way he is now? I think he knows he's got you where he wants you. This OW has made her choices in life ... no-one forced her to sell herself (if, indeed, she did), and your H is a fool to think he is responsible for her. He is responsible for his children, and possibly you, and himself.

I wish you well, and hope I haven't been too harsh. I am looking in, and I am sure I must be missing something here. No matter what your H does, what boundaries you put up, he just tramples all over it, and does as he pleases, then rushes off crying to the C. I think you need to start getting some distance.

Eek, hope I haven't overstepped the boundaries meself. Take care of yourself. You deserve so much better than this.

[Heartbroken]

Boy I feel your pain. We - LBSs CONTINUALLY want to believe in them, to believe they are done with the OP - we want to believe the best in everyone and there lies our fault - to big of a heart...

Ask him what about YOUR PAIN!!! Why are they so flippin' concerned about the OW but their wive's pain counts for nothing!! I never did get that as my H kept hurting me too..

Separation may shock some sense into him - at this point what do you have to lose? Afraid he'll be with OW - hell he still is to some extent...

HB

[cat03]

true,he is a shell of a man who is jerked around by ow's whims, accepts he can't even think of me nor the kids, I am asking myself what is left, he cannot tell the truth to save his life, I am hurting so much as how low he's sunk, he has never ever been like this, all 9yrs of our M.

He is too weak to fight for what he wants and had I let it he would've gone down the gutter a long long time ago, he has asked me to let him leave, that there is nothing left in him, how can I tell this to the kids 5days, 5, 15years from now?

You were not harsh BeingM, you said it like it is, I just can't bring myself to let him go.