Having trouble not "pursuing"...

[CrossedFingers]

Hello all!

I'm new to this forum, and could use some advice. My W and I have been separated since last July, temp at first, with a rather rocky rollercoaster of a ride...

I wish I had read Michelle's book back then- I would have avoided oodles of mistakes! Came to a head last November when W told me he really didn't see us ever getting back together. That you "need to want to be with someone for a long time", and there "needs to be a physical attraction between people..."

I was devastated, and became so angry that I asked for her wedding ring back, gave her mine, told her to hock it if she wanted, and proceeded to throw away the one she returned to me, in her presence. Then I stormed off. Smart, eh? Ha! I filed for Divorce a few days later.

I spent the next month and a half crying in my beer, and actively wanting to hurt her the way she hurt me- I went so far as to try and turn in the married man she had dated prior to our separation to his wife by phoning their house a number of times. There was fire in her eyes when she found out...

Finally, around new year's, I got so sick and tired of the anger and bitterness inside me that I just had to stop it! T'was driving me nuts. I'd been doing a lot of soul searching, and finally came to the realization that I was far from blameless in her decision to leave- and I realized that what I truly wanted was to make this work for us, for the kids, for the future.

So- I ripped up the divorce papers, and never had her served. She was stunned, and I think a bit teed off at me for putting her thru all this. (Can't say I blame her) I started researching the web, ran into Michelle's book, and have read it avidly.

I know I need to make dramatic changes myself. And at least we are communicating again. She still tells me she's looking toward the future, but she understands why I lost it the way I did...

Now, my question is this- Is it always wrong to "pursue?" I know I can't seem needy and whiny and doing it only because I can't live w/o her etc... (I know I can live w/o her if it really comes to that, but I really believe the magic can be there again, that we have not yet really worked hard at solving our probs...)

So, when should I perhaps start "pursuing" by occasionally buying her flowers, perhaps getting her a birthday gift end of this month, things like that. Doesn't a woman sometimes want to be pursued?

Help! Especially from you women- what's your take on this?

thanks in advance!

[fish]

This sitch is a bit different than most in that you filed.

Have you asked your wife what she would like to do? Does she want to reconcile?

You may be pleasantly surprised.

If she does not want to R, DB.

[Broken Tree]

Fish, your spending to much time on this forum.

[braveheart]

Could you give us a little more background on your stich? Kids, OM/OW etc.

Hello all!

I'm new to this forum, and could use some advice. My W and I have been separated since last July, temp at first, with a rather rocky rollercoaster of a ride...

I wish I had read Michelle's book back then- I would have avoided oodles of mistakes! Came to a head last November when W told me he really didn't see us ever getting back together. That you "need to want to be with someone for a long time", and there "needs to be a physical attraction between people..."

I was devastated, and became so angry that I asked for her wedding ring back, gave her mine, told her to hock it if she wanted, and proceeded to throw away the one she returned to me, in her presence. Then I stormed off. Smart, eh? Ha! I filed for Divorce a few days later.

I spent the next month and a half crying in my beer, and actively wanting to hurt her the way she hurt me- I went so far as to try and turn in the married man she had dated prior to our separation to his wife by phoning their house a number of times. There was fire in her eyes when she found out...

Finally, around new year's, I got so sick and tired of the anger and bitterness inside me that I just had to stop it! T'was driving me nuts. I'd been doing a lot of soul searching, and finally came to the realization that I was far from blameless in her decision to leave- and I realized that what I truly wanted was to make this work for us, for the kids, for the future.

So- I ripped up the divorce papers, and never had her served. She was stunned, and I think a bit teed off at me for putting her thru all this. (Can't say I blame her) I started researching the web, ran into Michelle's book, and have read it avidly.

I know I need to make dramatic changes myself. And at least we are communicating again. She still tells me she's looking toward the future, but she understands why I lost it the way I did...

Now, my question is this- Is it always wrong to "pursue?" I know I can't seem needy and whiny and doing it only because I can't live w/o her etc... (I know I can live w/o her if it really comes to that, but I really believe the magic can be there again, that we have not yet really worked hard at solving our probs...)

So, when should I perhaps start "pursuing" by occasionally buying her flowers, perhaps getting her a birthday gift end of this month, things like that. Doesn't a woman sometimes want to be pursued?

Help! Especially from you women- what's your take on this?

thanks in advance!

[CrossedFingers]

Actually Fish, I told her I'd be ripping up the D papers, and she did not want me to. She's "looking to the future"- and has told me her plans do not include me. And yet, she admitted the "possibility of a R last time we talked.

[CrossedFingers]

Hi Braveheart- tks for replying..

Kids- D10, S8, great kids, we split time with them- (i have them Thurs afternoon thru Sun PM... ) She's a greta mother, and I'm told I'm a good dad... The one thing we have absolutely agreed on is minimizing the effect of this on the kids.

OM? Yeh, a bunch. Last March, she started cruising the web, looking for excitement, and when I found out, I tried at first to "be understanding", and even let her know that I thought she had an "itch" that needed to be scratched. I was far more hurt by the later lies and deceptions than by her sexual experimentation. My guess is that she's been with probably a dozen guys. Andmore recently, kind of settled down to seeing just one.

I noticed his truck at the house last weekend late, and my SD toldme he's "been here every Fri and Sat night " for the last few weeks. That was tuff. Knowing she's with another man is bad enuf, but sleeping with another guy in my (our) house, on my fr$#@%king side of the bed??? I almost lost it, but was able to control myself this time.

[InLikeFlynn]

Why are you out of the house????

[CrossedFingers]

Why are you out of the house????

Are you asking why I am out of the house instead of her? If so, made the most sense as far as minimizing the disruptions for the kids.

[fish]

BT - I usually check in once or twice a day. Looking to pass on what I learned with the hope that it can help others.

[CrossedFingers]

BT - I usually check in once or twice a day. Looking to pass on what I learned with the hope that it can help others.

Fish-
Your comments and questions are welcomed! As is your willingness to help. One of the reasons I even posted here was because I could tell by looking at other threads that there truly was a caring, honest, and non-judgmental community here!

It really seemed as though everybody simply wanted to help, and many people could share their experiences as food for thought.

I thank you for your comments!

Eric