In stabilization mode!

[whatisis]

Well, I have returned from my Latin Line Dance class in one piece. At the end of the class the teacher approached me and said "You're really good, you know. Have you done dance before?" This is a beginners class, with a mix of experienced and beginner dancers. I replied that I'd taken Ballroom for about eight months and she says "We'll have to get you into my couples class then!" I said "Uh, it won't be happening" and she smiled and said "I'll have to come up with a way then" Wow, my first class and getting compliments on my dancing. That sure beats dancing with my W where all I heard was remarks like "pull in your stomach" and "stop waving your arms like a chicken". Ah yes, tact is her middle name. So my class has about 20 people in it and actually, wait for it...one other guy! I had fun and a pretty good workout to boot!

[minkerman]

That's what my yoga class is like. About 20 women and 2-3 guys. Love it!

[BeingMe]

Good for you, Wii! I wish I could take up dancing, but my evenings are so busy with hauling D15 around to all her activities, while H is away. Maybe, I will look for a weekend class.

Keep up the GAL stuff!

[whatisis]

Being Me, I sure do know what it's like to feel like a single parent sometimes! My W used to be so busy working that much of the load for taking kids here and there fell on me. Now, because she has to she is taking on a lot more responsibility and NOT asking or just expecting me to do things. I can remember at times even cancelling things or just skipping my activities to accomidate her, no more (maybe the odd time, I still try to maintain flexibility, you can't just become extreme either way in my mind anyway). So, today it is off to my aerobics class at noon then to do a little grocery shopping in the afternoon, later I will meet my woman friend for dinner and then off to an early church service together. I'm keeping busy!
Just a thought on my earlier topic, about being more outgoing with women and wondering what they think etc. Again, today I did something I wouldn't normally do in years gone by. It's no biggie but I notice these small changes in myself. I was getting into the elevator and my "laundry hamper buddy" ( )got on, I held the door for her, she thanked me and then stepped to the back of the elevator. Others were on the elevator so it was crowded I just punched my floor and then hers. Now, I wouldn't have done that previously because it says that I am aware of her and that her existence is significant enough to me that I would remember her floor. It's all part of the not looking available or interested thing you do when you are married but now I do it. She didn't respond, nor did I expect her to, but she does know that I am aware of her. Make sense? Now , in hindsight, I might have asked "what floor" and punched it because it could possibly make a woman uncomfortable knowing that a stranger remembers her floor but again, who knows. I'm just trying to get along and trying to figure things out that I haven't had to in years!

[whatisis]

Tomorrow is three months since we separated. Time flies when you're...well, it flies anyway! W and I are pretty much where we were three months ago. She still treats me on most occassions like an object to be avoided. We do the family stuff but it's really just about being family for the kids, she has no interest in me or what I'm doing, feeling whatever. When I do speak to her on the phone I ask how she is and her response is "I'm fine" with, of course, no return inquiry. It's all business e.g. "are you taking D to appt or am I?" I have been courteous and at infrequent times inquisitive about her with poor results, so I don't do it anymore except to politely say "how are you". How sad that after 17 years my W can't even ask "how are you", those pesky telemarketers get more courtesy than me! Oh well, I'm not gonna lose sleep over it. I've got a life to build, with or without her. It's strange though, periodically she will do things like bake me a quiche, drive to my apt and let D10 deliver it and drive away. Be nice but make no contact. When I say "periodically" that is what I mean, normally it's just no contact or businesslike responses to any interaction. I still pray for her and care about her but, in all honesty, feel no desire to win this woman back. Is that normal? I just can't understand this need to shunt me to the side like a piece of used furniture. I don't spew anger at her or make hurtful remarks, I'm OK with just getting along. I pretty much gave up. So what the heck is her issue? Is it guilt or is it that she just couldn't give a f@ck about a man she lived with for 17 years, raised two children with, who was loyal and caring and never did anything to purposely hurt her. Beats me.

[FLTC]

wii,

Once again, I do think you and I are married to the same woman. Where did all the anger and unhappiness come from? Life is too short. why do they constantly chisel away at any sel-esteem we had? the point about dancing with your wife made me laugh. we all have weird idosyncracies. I used to think my W's were adorable, and endearing to me. Mine just "annoyed" her. "Important" things like me driving at or just slightly above the speed limit would send her into orbit, and ruin the whole trip anywhere for her. You know, all those important things! If she (or my W. is not "happy", that'a an "Individual Soldier Task". Your attitued is really the sh*t! No desire to win her back is RIGHT where we all need to be. Not letting her emotions control your emotions is a huge win! Great job!

[darkestangel]

My WAH has the same cold demeanor. We've known each other since middle school, our first date was at the Pajama dance on Back to school night in 7th grade! I married him, carried his child, loved him when we had nothing and through all his good points and his faults, and he can't even smile and ask how my day was when he picks up d3?

We've been separated 1 month. Sometimes it feels like forever, he feels so far away, and then I read some other posts and I realize that this really is the beginning. There will be more months. And I will feel better. I already feel so so much better than even just a week ago.

In 2 weeks, I will feel better than now. And so will you

Congrats on building your life. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I give kudos to you who have battled longer than me. it shows me that I will be okay

[whatisis]

Ah yes, the cold demeanor, I know it well!
Today, we took D10 out of town for her first gymnastics meet of the year. She bombed! She finished 6th, 7th, 6th, 7th and 7th, not a stellar performance. W turned to me and said "she's devestated" and meanwhile D was laughing and clowning with her teammates, so I said "she looks like she's taking it pretty well to me" and W says "she's just holding it all inside" so I let it go. D looked to be quite fine to me, she's bombed before and I think has accepted that it's all part of the game, next time will be better. I was right! She was fine, when she got home D14 asked how she did and she replied "I did pretty good" She then explained that the other teams practise at least 5 times a week and she only does 3 x, that she's moved up to a higher level and the movements are more complex, so therefore she felt she'd done "pretty good". Wow, can you imagine, finishing that poorly, having to stand up and be presented with ribbons celebrating this sad performance and all of it in front of a huge crowd of people yet D10 says and believes "I did pretty good". I think there is much to be learned from this child, she takes what comes and makes the best out of it. No whining "poor me" I bombed, it's "I'll do better next time". She just amazes me sometimes! I've said before that this kid is really my DBing coach, she feels her pain and then moves on, making the best out of whatever it may be...and she's only 10. My Mom says "that child is wise beyond her years", damn I am so proud of that little girl today!

[oldtimer]

"Oh well, I'm not gonna lose sleep over it"

OK. Good. Now time to quit losing waking hours over it.

Part of STBX's "issue" is likely the emotional neediness/demands she feels from you that she does not want to meet. Feeling your neediness/demands is, in classic DB-style, going to make her more distant and more resistant to giving you anything, including the time of day.

Let go Wii. Drop the expectations. Quit watching for insults and for the next slight. Assume instead that she is no more giving you slights than a person in a grocery store who walks by you without acknowledging you.

You keep wanting from her that which she doesn't want to give, and it is making it hard for her to give you anything, including decency.

I wonder what you are getting from these family trips and if they are good for you?

[whatisis]

Letting go is certainly something to shoot for, OT. I believe I am progressing in that regard. I do still recognize and sometimes do have feelings about being furniture but I certainly don't sit around sulking and pouting over it, it's not gonna rule my life! Does she sense neediness from me? Possibly, but I'm pretty up when I'm around her and don't plead, sulk or whatever else might give that impression. This morning I arrived at the house all chipper, greeting everyone happily and singing to myself. I was excited about seeing my D's gymnastics meet, W was her usual irritable self, that's her trip! My life is getting better and when I'm down these days I turn to filling my head with more positive things, looking at the many blessings I still have in my life, allowing for whatever God has planned for me. Sometimes it sure is a struggle but I'm doing my best
And btw, in regards to these family trips/times, over Christmas I turned down a couple of her invitations citing having "made other plans" which was true. But, that said, if her demeanor continues to be cold and isolating then I may just decide in the future to decline spending any more time with her than is absolutely necessary. If it ain't good for me, I won't do it. I want to give it time though, see how things settle. I know this is a huge struggle for all of us and she has to come to terms with it in her own way, I can give that some time. But, yes, minimizing personal internal reaction to her basic discourtesy is certainly worth working harder at. She can't get to me if I don't allow it!
Thanks for dropping by.