I remember when you were so desperate to save your marriage that you joined that old prayer group I put together here. Whether or not you ever prayed is irrelevant. You were desperate enough to try it.
I'd like to see you that desperate again. This time to save yourself, though.
I'm there. I can't take any more 'hits' from anyone else. Losing contracts, getting angry e-mails from partners because I'm not doing stuff right now. I'm desperate.
My D17 asked me if I wanted to go for a drive tonite. We used to do that all the time during the LAST split. She would need me to talk about 'things' and reassure her that even though mom was 'crazy' we'd be ok. Deja Vue all over again except mom isn't 'crazy' and D17 doesn't know what mom is planning.
Anyway, I like it when we drive because we talk about all kinds of things and it's a nice connection. I was thinking a lot about the things Becca said about just 'being me' and letting God hep out. Just 'go with the flow'. I thought abut how I have been resisting this path towards divorce instead of letting it play out. Holding on to what was instead of accepting what is.
When we came home around 8pm W was in the bedroom. she had her phone near her, covered up and it seemed like she had just sat down, she seemed nervous. Like she was just 'texting' and changed her position, grabbed a book, whatever, to look like she had been reading.
That was my sense anyway. I trust my senses.
So I lay down on the bed with her. Started talking about various things, money, work, etc. She then asked me why I was talking to her after I hadn't all week. She asked me 'what has changed'?
I told her that I was processing a lot of emotions, many that go way back to years ago when I had the old company and lost my confidence. I said "I'm just taking care of myself right now" (Thanks Richie)
I smiled, made eye contact while talking.
She reached over and rubbed me on the back for a minute. I let her, and didn't read into it.
I suggested that we go watch tv and she said 'why do you want to do that? You haven't wanted to be around me or talk to me.' So I said 'I don't want to TALK to you, I just want company while I watch TV'. She thought that was funny and decided we would.
I got up to go and she seemed like she wasn't going to go with me unless I left first. I think she thought I was going to check her phone. She's pretty transparent. So I left first. I was going to tell her 'I am not going to look at your phone, I don't care what you're doing any more' but I thought that was a bad idea.
We watched Boston Legal and there was a lady who whacked her husband with a shovel and killed him because he was leaving her. She looked at me with a funny look and said "You better not do that to me!". I just said "why would I do that to you?".
Weird.
Anyway, we watched some shows, then went to bed. I couldn't sleep so I came downstairs to make these posts.
I'm having difficulty with the 'messaging'. I know I should put it out of my head because it isn't my issue, it's hers. But I also feel like calling his W and saying "Guess what, your H texts my W several times a day and it's flirting and might be an affair!".
What's the right thing to do? Seems like nothing right now. Why hurt his W when I really don't know the extent of the situation.
I also know it's the 'little boy' being angry and wanting to lash out. She has a lesson to learn here (and maybe he does also) and it's not MY lesson, it's theirs.
I don't understand ANY of her actions tonight. One of my friends suggested that she "wants me to be happy without her" which is probably true. Why wouldn't she? She cares and is leaving while also hoping I'll 'be ok'. Remember that she believes I won't be, and even if I were, I'd go back to 'broken' if we stayed together. And she just doesn't want to be 'a wife' any more.
Anyway, here is my current goal:
I will be 'me' around her. Not 'angry little boy', just me. I will not go beyond 'nice' and 'decent'. I like her but I don't respect her decisions. And I'm not at the place where I can forgive her for choosing to leave instead of fight for me. AmyC said that it's high time someone thought I was worth fighting FOR. Well, I think it is time also. I will 'go with the flow' instead of 'resisting it'. She doesn't want to be a wife an more, then so be it. She can live here until June. If she still needs to bail then, she can get out. I'm not playing around any more.
I'm not DBing at all. Just going to be me, with the focus on fixing what matters to me. Not her. She can (and will) live her life, act as if she is happy. She's going to go to a Salsa dance bar with one of her friends this week. She's gone before months ago, just for the fun of dancing and the friend asked her to take her. Most guys at these bars are too afraid to ask women to dance, and most women go there just to dance, not to pick up guys. Salsa is a weird thing.
I could 'worry' about it but how would that help me? The friend she's going with is the one who was on my side during the affair 2 years ago. Her boyfriend broke up with her several months ago and she's been pretty devastated. She's also in much better shape than my wife is.
I guess I'm putting this out there so I can tell myself that it doesn't matter, it's just an 'event' and is not part of my issues, it's part of hers.
I really am starting to think that she's totally shut down from me. She cares but her interest in being in a relationship with me is gone. I can understand the 'she made a commitment' thoughts but society has made it 'ok' to abandon those commitments if it gets to rough. I just don't see it going any other way. Maybe someone will tell me I'm wrong, but I don't see it.
So, I'm letting go and seeing what God will bring me next. Right now I need Strength and Focus so I can dig my way out of this financial hole. I can do it, with help.
Go with the flow. Stop resisting the inevitable. Trust that the outcome will be 'right' without knowing what it will be.
