W has filed for the D,where to from here

[micoms]

Just home from work and rehab.

HHIF,

I kind of agree with what fooled says. W knows your stance on your marriage, but I think anytime you can spend with your W can be good. Listen to what she says, hard to do. The last time I talked to mine she finally opened up and told me a few things that pushed her away. I hope next time she will say more and I will do a better job of listening and not defending myself. Try to listen to what she says, not the words but what she means. Try to show her a different side of you, talk of other things than the D.

fooled,

I think you put into words exactly how my W has felt. Most of her friends she has made while we've been married she met through the kids, girl scouts, soccer, pta. I haven't talked politics to her in years, she always agreed with me, what was the point. Maybe when I gave my views she saw my words as putting her point of view down or not taking her seriously, I don't know. My W said in MC, she doesn't know who she is, what she wants, has any outside hobbies or interests. She says we grew apart and thinks D'ing will get her the things she missed. I think we should explore new hobbies together. I told her last summer I'd like to get a bigger bike this spring and join a group that takes a trip once a month for a weekend. Another was taking dance lessons, I'd love to learn how to jitterbug or salsa dance with her, but she thinks she is too uncoordinated. But I know she needs to have her own things also.

I talked to S25 tonight about I might spend the night or weekend with Aunt Cindy, for him to call his sisters to "try to find me", that I haven't been home all weekend. If it gets around to my W she'll have to wonder where I've been, if I'm moving on without her. Or will that validate her actions on the D. She'll think I'm ok with it, I have moved on.

Welcome Lian, I'll have to read up on your sitch. I agree that you might be overdoing it. If she thanks you for doing them, do them again, if she doesn't don't do it again for a few days.

HHIF,

My W and I never fought either. That might be part of why we are where we are. She did things that would upset me and I would just hold to myself and bottle it up, stew about it. I'm sure I did stuff that upset her also, she kept it to herself also. The little resentments i guess built and built until there was a huge wall between us.

Mom got out of the hospital today, they sent her to a nursing home temporarily, where my future SIL works, until she builds up her leg strength. Right now she can't walk too far with out her leg getting tired.

Mike

[grid, lost]

I stopped pursuing my own interests a very long time ago in any meaningful way.

No one should stop being there own person. You can share a life and all your love with some one. But you can't be that person or their life. You have to be you and share you with others. At least that is me and my own out look.

So maybe I never lost myself - maybe I just never knew who I was, and then when H had an A and then moved out, I realized how much I defined myself as wife and mother, a reflection of what I thought was expected of me in those roles. But what I didn't know was the real me, NOT the wife, NOT the mother, NOT the daughter, the ME inside.

Nope I never tried to live up to these stereotypes. I am of the old age female who was the generation of first's to become lawyers, first to go into male dominated jobs, etc. We oldies never quite fit in the female role. Things today woman just do. So now FA I understand much better. thank you

[grid, lost]

Here is a cpoy of the emails,let me know what you think,what does "we are on different paths mean"?

Ok, but HHIF, remember you are asking me for my honest thoughts. Be wared I am not to good at conforming, each stitch is different, much of what I try to post is what I have gained from others with more time and experience than I.

I appreciate the dinner invite,I always enjoy having dinner with you.

OK

I have been doing allot of praying and thinking about us and I need to let you know how I feel and where I stand,I do not want to except a dinner invitation under false pretences.

false pretences, sounds as if you are trying to say ( not intended I know) don't think you are going to trick me with a dinner invite.

You know that I do not want a divorce,it goes against everything I believe in and everything that I feel is right.

I would have stopped here. Next couple lines starting to tell her you know her, how she feels and to please her, etc.......not in her world do you.

I committed to you for life and that hasn't changed.I know in my heart that you and I are meant to be together and have no doubt that I can make you very happy if given the chance.

You know in your heart what the right thing to do is,you know that the commitment we made to each other and God was real and was for life.

You have free will to do what you want to do,so if you choose to go with this worlds screwed up view of marriage and commitment that is your choice and you will have to live with it.

starting to beg her and telling her she is screwed up, yes that is why she is running and afraid of.
Balance of email, although you didn't intend to nor would I had I written it. Started telling her she is destroying family, you know her mind and God, you want her to acknowledge your deep love for her. Greg this isn't going to work I don't believe.
Ok, I myself, would just stay with I am not going to contribute towards a D. Myself, would not have Dinner with my S to hear him talk about D. Wants to divide stuff up without an attorney, well have W put it in writing and mail it to you. she does not need to retain an attorney to put on paper what she wants to say at dinner. Just me and what others have said about DBing, D and WAS.
Others may say go and have dinner with her. All I can say, I myself would not have dinner with my S. But you and I are not same people, nor same stitch.

Greg


Subject: RE: Dinner

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I will submit the paperwork and allow the attorneys to work through the issues. We are still on different paths. I have filed and want to continue with the divorce. The discussions on finances on Saturday is about how to split things up. I have never invited you under false pretenses; I have always told you up front my intentions.

W, got defensive because without intending to you, begged, told her you knew what was best, she is destroying family (her mind all she is doing is ending marriage with you)
"still on different paths", believe W is trying to say to you, you don't get it, I'm leaving, changing my name and address with out you and all you are doing is fighting me on this.
Honest, HHIF, that is how I take her reply.
Now you are to start GAL, tell her to write you a letter about her intents, drag your feet, do your own thing. At present all you can do. Have to learn to build your own self without W.
I hate being so to the point but I don't know how else to take her between the lines message.
Now don't you wish I hadn't posted?
grid, lost

[grid, lost]

[quote=fooled again]HHIF,

Maybe I've got this DBing wrong, but my understanding is that we should just DO this, not tell our S what we are doing and why.

Instead of telling him that I am not going to talk about our M, I'm just not talking about it w/ him. See? Instead of telling him I'm not going to call him but I will let him call me, I just don't call him. Instead of telling him that he can do whatever he wants w/ his time, I just don't ask him what he has been doing or is planning to do (well, I'm not doing so well on that one).

FA well done. That is the best I have ever read of someone explaining this DBing as far as GAL to S.

If she really wants a D, you won't have made her want it more by pulling back. But if a part of her isn't sure, and she gets a taste of life w/out you, maybe she won't like that taste, and maybe she will start to doubt that what she is doing is the right thing.

Correct we can not control or stop other people. so if S wants a D we can't in the end stop them, except, maybe for NYS, lol,
I am trying to say, myself will not do anything to Help make a D event happen. So dinner to discuss D contents is not going tobe on my menu. My response to my H would be "write it down on paper and mail it to me. I'll get back to you"

We all have to remember, we are human and not perfect. we fail and then we get up again. I don't have any idea if I am DBing correctly or not. For me I do know something inside me has shifted and changed. My outlook on all of it is starting to change, quite a bit.
grid, lost

[grid, lost]

But people here and even her sister told me that I overdo it and I need to pull back. Again easier said than done.

[/quote]
hi Lian,
Yep, go over to the MLC forum. WOW, those folks have seen a lot. They can be brutal, will tell you pull back more.
Let W get her own muffins. How she going to miss you if her feet will never get cold and her muffin tin is always full??????
Way to understanding. better yet, next time at bakery, just get the kind of muffins you like. she'll notice, after all she wants space doesn't she?

[Lian]

Thank you grid, lost,

I heard it from other people here that I am overdo it. I know her love language is act of service and I am trying to reach to her thru that but I realize I over do it.

[micoms]

Lian,

Like I said, if she thanks you for your act, do it again. If she doesn't wait a few days before performing that act again.

Mike

[Lian]

micoms

Thank you for your comment, The way she has been for the last three weeks (almost) to hear ‘thank you’ from her is very unlikely. I think if she does not reject it, it is a good sign

[HHIF]

no I'm glad you posted,I need reality checks,I don't have a problem admitting when I am wrong.

I appreciate the advice,it's hard to see things clearly when you are in the middle of it.

I welcome all advice from people have have been DBing.

Thanks for your advice,I know I need to back off and let her do what she is going to do.

[micoms]

HHIF,

I agree it's easier to see what you should do when it's written down in black and white. I know in my sitch I seem to be under "pressure". I can't think clear, but if someone gives me some advice I can see. My sitch kind of differs from most as my W is almost always asleep when she is not working. Some may think I exaggerate, but if she sits in a chair she's asleep in 10 min. She has admitted to sleeping as much as 15 hours straight. If I don't initiate contact she would never call because she's probably asleep. Her relationship with her sons has deteriorated to almost no contact. S26 who is M'd and has a D hasn't had a call from his mother since Christmas, before that in july where W came to GD's birthday.

I have tried to talk to her , tell her excessive sleep is symptoms of depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, onset of diabetes or hypoglycemia, and some other problems. If we D she cannot stay on my medical, which only has a $300 deductible and no copays. She will have to get health coverage through her employer wmart, which is probably useless ins.

Talked to S26 tonight, he will be 27 on 1/23. He isn't expecting anything from his mother, how sad. He feels like pulling the plug on his R with her. I try to tell him it's because of her MLC, but he just feels so hurt. She has seen our GD only three times since May. He feels W has rejected not onl;y him but his daughter also.

If I could only give her a magic pill to come out of her MLC and see what she has done to her family. She has maintained a R with our D's, because she lives with D24 and D19 is very close to her sister.

My W had me served with the D papers 2 weeks after I came home from the hospital from quad bypass surgery. What a gem, at least she didn't have me served while on the operating table, how kind of her.

Mike