I continued to be coordial to W when I did see her but for the most part she didn't look at me or speak.
After taking my D17 to her meeting I came in the house and walked by W who was watching TV in her pajamas. Didn't look at her or say anything until I was on the other side of the room entering my office door. I paused and looked back at her and she has a look of, I don't know, 'nervous, fear?', not quite sure. So I turned, smiled at her and said something about D17 and made a joke. She smiled and seemed at ease.
I left the room.
Later, I came in and went to the livng room to sit and read some of "Mars and Venus starting over after losing someone". I didn't make it obvious what I was reading, it's my own business and I am reading it to grieve, to let her go, to detach, to not need her any more. It's a good book and I am getting a lot out of it. One important thing is that I realize that I haven't grieved the loss of the OTHER relationships in my life - the ones I lost due to those bad situations in the company I used to own.
I think that may be part of the healing I need to go through. He says in the book that as long as we haven't healed the heartbreak from the loss of something or someone we loved, we keep our heart protected from fully opening to love. Well, that makes sense to me because I HAVE been holding back, even more so since the affair 2 years ago.
I could see in all the reading that I can heal that, and ironically it is what I needed to do to be able to be a success again, and to love HER and have that deep, loving relationship she and I both desire. But, that can't happen with us any more because she has closed the door on it. I do have a future though, and that means there can be someone else once I heal my broken heart.
Anyway, I was really tired so when she went to go to bed around 9:30 I did too.
She was lying there on her side of the bed reading. As I changed my clothes she asks me if it's 'normal' for your ribs / side to hurt if you have indigestion or is it the warning signs of a heart attack?
huh?
She said she had gas and maybe it was that but her ribs were hurting. I told her that I often have had that and it from muscle spasms when you are tense or stressed and have indigestion. She says she had a veggie pizza for dinner and has a little indigestion.
I asked her if she wold like me to rub it for her and she said it no, it would just hurt. So I said "I'll get you some anti gas medicine to help you out" she said "You don't have to" and I said nothing and went to find it. Came back, gave it to her and she thanked me. I also saw her water glass by her bed was now empty and I filled it up for her. She thanked me again.
I brushed my teeth and got into my side of the bed and she turned off the light. A moment later she says "good night" and I said "good night" also.
About 4am she gets up, goes downstairs after closing the bedroom door. Just as a reminder she closes the door when she is going to be up and doesn't want to wake anybody by making noise.
I do hear the water run from the bathroom toilet downstairs. Maybe she's got a little bit of the runs.
Of course, I let my mind run wild a little. "She's checking her phone to see if OM sent her any text messages last night or She's sending messages telling him she is a wreck because Frank isn't being nice any more." It took me a few minutes to let that go by repeating Jeff223's mantra that it doesn't matter, she is not part of my equation any more.
I fell back asleep and around 7am the phone rings. I didn't answer it because I assumed she would. She didn't but by ring 4 my D17 did. I was curious to see who called and I looked at the phone and the caller ID was HER cell.
SO I got up and D17 was up and I asked her "did mom just call?" and she said "yeah, she wanted to make sure we were getting up for school" and I said "where is she" and she said "She says she went for a drive to the beach".
ok, now that's odd. So I'm thinking "could she meet with OM at 6am?" He's some kind of investment broker. Has texted her at 5-6 am before.
But, put those thoughts away. It doesn't matter. Perhaps she did go for a ride to the beach.
SHe came home abut 10 minutes later. Didn't look at me at first and kept herself busy emptying the dishwasher. Eventually she said 'good morning' but mostly ignored me.
Now she's gone to take the kids to school, came home, showered and left.
W came home and said 'hi' as she came in the door. Had shopped for a present for D17's birthday on 1/25 when she will actually BE 17. Said she was going to hide it upstairs in OUR closet? We don't share a closet.
Weird. Back to 'matter of fact' mode again. Oh well.
So, I let my curiousity win and I checked her e-mail.
This morning she sent and e-mail to her best girlfriend that said
"Things are getting weird with Frank. I'm just breathing through every day. I need to contact a lawyer to find out how to do this and how much it will cost".
Couple days ago she had sent an e-mail to her other friend, the 'teacher' that does the Hawaii and other retreats. She told her friend she was having a hard time, weekends are the hardest. Her friend told her to 'hang in there'.
Two sides to every story. You hear mine. They hear hers. Nobody brings us together, just help everyone get what they seem to want. I'm probably wrong to think that we could be together ever again. It seems like too much damage has been done.
She left to go work and asked me if I would be able to pick up D12 at 3pm so she could keep her schedule open and maybe get a massage client. I said 'sure I can'.
She called me a few minutes ago to ask me if I would just expect to pick up D12 at 3 pm so she could stay around there in case someone came in. She said she was 'fishing' for a client to come in. I said 'be sure to use the right bait'. I said 'no problem, I'll pick her up'. afterwards I'm thinking that she is being weird, and probably going to get a free consultation from a lawyer. Unless she borrows money from her friend she really can't do much else.
So, keep letting go, mourning and find my future. I can't change the past or fix past mistakes but I can build the future.
I guess my 180 yesterday, of not letting her 'do things' for me and not acting 'as if' we were in a marriage did have an effect. Now she's uncomfortable and wants to get out faster.
Everyone has counseled me that I have done the right thing by setting the boundary and not allowing her / us to 'act as if'. I agree with this as it fits all the db rules, and the alpha male rules. I guess I should have expected her response - 'got to get a lawyer right away because this is uncomfortable'. And I should expect it, it's what they do.
She is angry and hurt. I contributed to it, and she did too.
This is DETACHMENT. That means I live my life for me, and I shut her OUT so she can FEEL what life without me is like, which includes rejecting her attempts to 'act normal' with me. Our life is no longer 'normal'
Living life for you....that's great. Detaching for you sanity and self-development is key.
Shutting her our so she can feel what life is like without you?Hmmmmm. Isn't that acting in a certain way so you can get a result from her? Isn't that a form of FIXING, albeit in a round about way? It's what you did last time: played hard-ball as a last-ditch strategy to get her to taste what life was like outside the nest?
It's not that detaching doesn't, on occasion, cause the WAW to wake up. Perhaps it's the intention behind it.
I think if you don't want to be around her, fine. I think if you don't wish to share "good moments" with a wife who is pursuing another man, fine. But I'm not sure that creating a relational strtegy to teach her a lesson is all that healthy for you, even if gets the intended result.
But I'm not sure that creating a relational strtegy to teach her a lesson is all that healthy for you, even if gets the intended result.
Absolutely agree. Ultimately, this is just pride working here. Or deep despair and desire to get her to realize she wants you again. Which is fine if that is what you want, but I agree with theoden...not very healthy for your growth and detachment.
Regards,
ntl
Me: 30 H: 32 Dating 10/96 Married 8/01 H PA's: Summer 97, 12/06, 5/07-10/23/07 My Saga
But I'm not sure that creating a relational strtegy to teach her a lesson is all that healthy for you, even if gets the intended result.
Absolutely agree. Ultimately, this is just pride working here. Or deep despair and desire to get her to realize she wants you again. Which is fine if that is what you want, but I agree with theoden...not very healthy for your growth and detachment.
Regards,
ntl
Maybe you're right, it's 'too soon' to be cutting her out. But it has had an effect. Maybe I need to be a little less 'detached'.
I haven't had a chance to read the links you sent me yet as I have been in bed with a migraine but I will 'read up' tomorrow.( I just got up to take some more painkillers and wanted to check in and see how you were - I'm back to bed now). I realise I am a newbie compared to many on here and maybe not the most strict DBuster, however I came to these boards post recommitment with other issues, so my situation had been going on for longer than it may appear and I fought some pretty big demons within myself to get my M back on track. The difference between you and me is I worked, (and still do every day), on fixing myself. My H has had to decide for himself if I was worth staying with. Happily for me he decided I was. I was fortunate that I did not know I was competing with another lover for my S whilst working on myself and that was a great advantage. The pressure would have been unbearable if I had known I was 'competing' and would have put another slant on it all.
I find your posts confusing Frank. You don't seem to be completelly clear on the outcome you expect to achieve or you hope for. I think Theo's comment hit the nail on the head regarding the lesson teaching.
If I was your W frankly I would find you scary and want to run away. I would be completely unsure how to offer you support. But then, I only see what you post and not the complete picture.
I am sorry you are hurting so much.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
A mentor of mine sent me this today. It applies to both of us frank. You may recall my xW has been friendly lately and asking for help with her new house, etc. Very chatty, almost like we were still married.
But here is the other side to consider. Soul searching for me:
--------------
Let me ask you a question wrt xW - do you feel comfortable with this, Jeff? She DOES deserve to be respected as the mother of your children - and thus civility is paramount. BUT - does she deserve to use you as a sounding board? Does she deserve to rely on your for husbandly input and support while not being married with you? Would you do this for another woman?
I cannot answer those questions, Jeff - those answers are yours only. But I do know this - were I to do this again, I'd make a huge change - I'd have thrown my xW out of the house immediately and refused to help her in the least. I look back on "all I did for her" and how poorly it was received - how much I bent and supported and accomodated - for what purpose?
Which is another way of saying, if you're going to do this, make sure it's for YOU! Not for her. Make sure the validation of your actions comes from within - and is not to be expected from xW. I am friendly and courteous with my Ex b/c that's who I am as a man - not b/c I'm trying to win her back or impress her anymore. And if she doesn't want to be my life partner - that's fine - I'll exert my energies in areas that please me - my kids and myself and others where I can give and give honestly w/o expectations.....
Look into your soul here - are you doing this for her - or for you? Believe in the answer, Jeff and live it for yourself....and if you choose to continue to help xW out - that's awesome! Truly! B/c that's who you ARE - and that's what matters most - personal integrity - being who we are to ourselves.....
