Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[ann25]

I'm glad that you recognize (to some degree) his behaviour for what it is. I'm also glad that you recognize that, unlike some people's panic'd kneejerk reactions, he's not out to dominate and enslave you.

I do recognize his actions for that they are. I know that he needed that and at this point he still needs to feel that "she's mine" thing. I don't like it and don't know how much of it i can handle, but I do completely understand it. If we hadn't been together very long and maybe if i didn't know his background, i might have thought differently, but I really do know that this is completely a-typical of him. Even when he gets really angry, he'll leave the house before things get to that point. He isn't doing anymore than i let him get away with most times, so i get to shoulder the blame for that.

I was really creeped out by reading the "rape/abuse witchhunt" yesterday. Seems like as soon as someone raises the "rape!" or "abuse!" flag, then suddenly, everyone thinks that they Must Protect the Woman, from the Evil Abuser Husband! And the man instantly gets demonized, whether applicable, or not.

I dont think it was applicable in this case.

would you please post explicitly, whether you view what happened, as rape in your mind?
As I view it, it was not, and you dont view it as such either.
Extremely nasty and painful, yes. but not rape, becuase you consented, and continued to give your consent throughout.

When you said "you werent in a position to say no", I took it as, "you recognized the terrible emotional hurt your husband was going through, and you chose to sacrifice some physical pain, in exchange for his emotional hurt".
Not that you truely "couldnt" say no.
I salute you for recognizing that, and choosing to make that sacrifice then, in an attempt to help your husband through that difficult night. Not many people are willing to undergo physical pain to help their spouse.

Honestly, i appreciated the concern. I don't call it rape for the very reason you mention. I said ok. I didn't stop him or attempt to. Although when i say that i couldn't say no, it wasn't only because he needed it, but it was because i felt that this would be a serious condition of wanting to stay with me. Also, if i had said no that night, i don't think he would have stayed home. He would have went out and did something stupid. He wasn't in a position to be driving or anything and I knew that saying ok, would keep him home.

I made a sacrifice that night for him. Do i think anyone should ever have to endure that in order for the other to feel better, NO, but i did cause at the time, i didn't see any other option. to me, losing my H for a second time, was not an option.

I think that most people who replied on your thread, are probably either from the sex-starved marriage area, or new, or just dont get it.
They dont get that your husband's reaction, is common, in circumstances where the trust and intimacy in a relationship has been tramatically shattered.
There's even a clinical name for it; "hysterical bonding". A google search on that may be enlightening to folks.

Men view sex as bonding. He wasnt trying to "hurt you" (and it's sad that you seem to have absorbed a bit of the witchhunt atmosphere by thinking now he may have been trying to).

he wasnt.
he was trying to "reclaim the bond between you".
It's simpler to put it in terms of getting back to a relationship of "you are 'mine' and i am 'yours'".
Unfortunately, people are getting all bent out of shape over the "mine" thing.

I do agree that some people don't get it, me being one of them. I don't understand how he could do that and see how badly he was hurting me and not stop. I didn't know it was that common and I find that frightening. I know that he was trying to reclaim me as his, that he felt betrayed and marking his territory. I do think though that a part of it was for him to hurt me. Not all of it, and maybe that was not the initial intention, but i told him he was hurting me and he didn't care. He got what he wanted/needed with a total disregard to my feelings. I didn't get that from anyone here, but i've felt that since it happened. He knows that things make me uncomfortable and he expects them to be done anyways. He wants to know just how far i'll go for him. i get that, but it doesn't make it alright.

Now, I do agree that he's taking the tattoo thing too far. But I think you would agree that to him, it's not about treating you as properly. it's about reassurance to him.
eg: "wedding rings didnt work to keep you emotionally faithful to him.... maybe a tattoo of his name will?"

i never even thought of it like that. All i was thinking is that it's just another way of showing that i'm not committed to him. And... after he asked for D. I took my ring off and didn't put it back on until he asked to work on it. Not that it matters, but...

i think that's perfectly true.
However, giving all-negative feedback, doesnt work well with people. With humans, you also have the ability to tell them, "do this instead".
It sounds like you took my advice on that already, and it's working well for you. I'm glad

He doesn't get all negative feedback, it's about 50/50. I just don't give in all the time.
I did tell him what else to do. It's not that i want kisses and affection like that from him at all, but at least when it's sweet and not aggresive, it's easier for me to respond positively to. That's why i appreciate your advice. I may not agree with you all the time, but when i do, it normally turns out pretty well!

I feel like i'm doing better. i feel like i'm understanding more. It doesn't make it any easier to feel like this, but understanding is always good. I actually found a site for people that had affairs and are dealing with the peicing back together the M afterwards. They all said about the same thing. 6 months to a year for forgivness and even longer for the other spouse to feel more comfortable with the R.

Thanks!! ann



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