This last one is the hardest. I feel like I have come so far with regards to this, but suddenly it all feels so raw again and I can't stop crying. I know this is part of the roller coaster and it will get better again. But at the moment I feel like all the strength I worked so hard to build up is gone.
I can totally identify with this - Since the turn of the year, I have found it really hard. I thought I had myself together, I was doing really well and was really dealing with things effectively. In reality, I'd just gotten used to the way things were and when the holidays came around and everything shifted, it was a real struggle to get back on my feet. Earlier this week I felt like I did right at the beginning; as if I was back at square one. Maybe I am, maybe not - Not really sure.
It sounds like you're becoming overwhelmed with all that is going on and not really doing much about it - I realize it is tough with your S, but at some point you're going to have to have your parents watch him, or schedule time with H for him. It's tough, and it's going to suck really badly before it gets any better - The meditation sounds like a good step, but if you're feeling really down and in a funk, something more active might help you get over many of those feelings - Go to the gym and run, kick something, or find a fun sport that you learn.
We all have our parts we have played in how our M's have turned out, but the blame is not all ours. We just have to take responsibility for what we've done and for our contributions and work on that. We can't work on our spouse, nor is it realistic to think that every single problem was our fault.
The ONLY thing that has worked for me to start to feel better is to radically change my routines and start doing new stuff. The last thing you want to do when you feel crappy is go out, but it will make you feel better. It's tough with kids, but you can't spend all day and all night with them right now - You'll really start losing it if you don't have adult contact.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so down today. Believe me - I've been there, and it DOES get better.
