The New Adventures of Supermom...Part 3

[JennyF]

WARNING...this is a really deep post. More journalling than anything, but I am in need of some intraspection and I feel like this is the right place to do it...


I feel like I am at a personal rock bottom. I had a conversation with my sister last night that was filled with 2X4's. Since I got off the phone last night I can't stop crying. I haven't been like this since the weeks that followed the bomb drop. I'll try to sum it up without going into too much monotonous detail...

My sister and I were talking back and forth and she started to show a minor disagreement with what I was saying. When I reiterated my opinion back (in a somewhat defensive manner) it started the ball rolling for her. She basically came down on me for being so forceful and unwilling to hear what she has to say. This lead to a conversation about my tendency to be this way (although I come by it honestly) and how it was what probably what drove my H away. She basically went on and on about how he probably felt over the years (some of it she was wrong about...but on other parts she was probably right).

So this led us down a path of stripping me down for my faults and how they impact my life. So at that point it's hitting me that I am REALLY at fault for the breakdown of my M. Now I know I played a part....but now I feel totally responsible. I know I am not at fault for the A or the choices H made. And yes he should have talked to me about it so we could have tried to work on it. But the end result is, who would want to be married to me? I know my sister didn't mean that...but that is exactly how I feel right now. How pitiful is that?

That led to a conversation about how my talking with people right now is putting a lot of stress into their lives (ie. my sister, my Mom and step-dad, my best friends...). And that I need to stop doing this and just figure it out on my own. That it's too much for these people to have it taking up this much of their lives. I have to figure out what I want, deal with it between H and myself and get on with my life. Stand on my own and stop relying on others. I have to stop interjecting things into conversations about my sitch and just let it go.

Now I know there are parts of this I needed to hear (maybe all of it)...but I feel so alone right now. I feel like I am one big mess up and that my whole life has slipped away from me as a result. I know I lean on others a lot and talk things to death. I know I push back my opinions on others. I know I'm not perfect. But after this conversation I feel so stripped down and bare that I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel as though I'm on threshold of some turning point and it go well or extremely bad. And I have to do it on my own. I feel so alone. Am I afraid of being alone? Maybe...

But what's killing me right now is that in spite of my faults, did I really deserve to have my life, my hopes and dreams taken away like this? I am a good person and I get along well others. I am not rude or selfish (although I will say that lately I have been self absorbed with my sitch). Shouldn't the good things account for something? Shouldn't I get a second chance?
I suppose these are retorical questions...and meant for God more than anyone.
I know this is about personal change. Looking within myself to fix the problems. Last night was an eye opener about how my tendencies are affecting all areas of my life, not just my M.
I've always been someone who could look in the mirror and see my faults. I sometimes apologize to a fault for them. But this feels different. This feels like some deep life changing intraspection and for some reason it is scaring me. I've got feelings right now I can't even identify if that makes any sense!!

So where do I go from here?? GAL. Accept that my marriage is over (because really, who knows what the future holds).
Accept that I have to deal with this on my own, I know my friends and family are there for me, but I have to break my cycles.
Find peace withing myself for who I am and who I want to be.
Do this not to save my marriage, but to save myself. Because I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world and it's crushing me.
I'm sorry if I sound dramatic...another fault of mine.

So I better put a positive spin on this before I lose it (might be too late for that anyway!). I need to refocus...and fast...

- I need to get back into counselling quickly. I will make the call today.
- Yesterday I stopped into the Dahn Yoga centre near my house and got the info on Yoga and Meditation. I can't afford this right now, but I'm going to do it anyway.
- I need to make a list of all of the clerical things that I need to take care of as they piling up.
- I need to get a schedule for the kids in place with H. I need to stop letting the emotion of this stop me from doing it.
- I need to get some kind of financial agreement in place with H.
- I need to stop talking about my sitch to my loved ones and just focus on what I need to do.
- I need to limit my time on these boards to a certain amount a day. I'm so focused on them, that it's hindering my GAL. It helps in so many ways too, and I can't give it up. All of you who have helped me over the last 3 months are the reason I am where I am (or was where I was!)...but the truth is it's not helping me to move on. I just have to put a limit on it...that's all.
- I need to Get my emotions in check.

This last one is the hardest. I feel like I have come so far with regards to this, but suddenly it all feels so raw again and I can't stop crying. I know this is part of the roller coaster and it will get better again. But at the moment I feel like all the strength I worked so hard to build up is gone.

H is picking up D tonight and taking her until Sunday morning.
He is taking S for a few hours tomorrow afternoon too. There must be something to that whole "afraid to be alone" thing because the thought of both my kids being gone and being in this house by myself is killing me.
I'm going to stay busy by baking a birthday cake for my best friends son. And maybe tackling some of the things on the above list. And maybe trying some meditating...
Anyway, if you're still reading at this point...Thank you so much.
J~