Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[Dom R]

Hi Dom,

I'm pretty sure I'm right about the "MINE" thing. For some reason, I've been remembering things and thinking about things the last few days and I think i've made some revelations that i didn't even realize before (why i'm feeling this way, why he's doing stuff) Anyways. He was never like this before, so i know it has something to do with this at minimum.



Actually, last night i was in the kitchen and he came in and rubbed his hand on my back. He said... oops, sorry i touched you. so i said that the touching doesn't bother me, its the way he does it. So i proceeded to show him exactly how it feels. He actually said ouch... I just wanted to laugh. I told him that i don't mind it when he's sweet about it, it's just when it doesn't feel like he's trying to be loving most times. That was it, the rest of the night went ok.

I'm glad that you recognize (to some degree) his behaviour for what it is. I'm also glad that you recognize that, unlike some people's panic'd kneejerk reactions, he's not out to dominate and enslave you.


I was really creeped out by reading the "rape/abuse witchhunt" yesterday. Seems like as soon as someone raises the "rape!" or "abuse!" flag, then suddenly, everyone thinks that they Must Protect the Woman, from the Evil Abuser Husband! And the man instantly gets demonized, whether applicable, or not.

I dont think it was applicable in this case.


would you please post explicitly, whether you view what happened, as rape in your mind?
As I view it, it was not, and you dont view it as such either.
Extremely nasty and painful, yes. but not rape, becuase you consented, and continued to give your consent throughout.

When you said "you werent in a position to say no", I took it as, "you recognized the terrible emotional hurt your husband was going through, and you chose to sacrifice some physical pain, in exchange for his emotional hurt".
Not that you truely "couldnt" say no.

I salute you for recognizing that, and choosing to make that sacrifice then, in an attempt to help your husband through that difficult night. Not many people are willing to undergo physical pain to help their spouse.

I think that most people who replied on your thread, are probably either from the sex-starved marriage area, or new, or just dont get it.
They dont get that your husband's reaction, is common, in circumstances where the trust and intimacy in a relationship has been tramatically shattered.
There's even a clinical name for it; "hysterical bonding". A google search on that may be enlightening to folks.

Men view sex as bonding. He wasnt trying to "hurt you" (and it's sad that you seem to have absorbed a bit of the witchhunt atmosphere by thinking now he may have been trying to).

he wasnt.
he was trying to "reclaim the bond between you".
It's simpler to put it in terms of getting back to a relationship of "you are 'mine' and i am 'yours'".
Unfortunately, people are getting all bent out of shape over the "mine" thing.

Now, I do agree that he's taking the tattoo thing too far. But I think you would agree that to him, it's not about treating you as properly. it's about reassurance to him.
eg: "wedding rings didnt work to keep you emotionally faithful to him.... maybe a tattoo of his name will?"

(but, you dont need to go there )

I put up with it a lot. He's not getting the reaction he likes because I don't like him doing it and in my mind, like with a puppy, i can't reward bad behavior.

i think that's perfectly true.
However, giving all-negative feedback, doesnt work well with people. With humans, you also have the ability to tell them, "do this instead".
It sounds like you took my advice on that already, and it's working well for you. I'm glad

It sounds like you are doing well, and learning to navigate his insecurities even better.
There are books on recovering trust after infidelity. Even though you didnt have a physical affair, those books could help you through what to expect in his recovery process, and ways for you to help him through it.
The thing that hurts from a physical affair, isnt the physical stuff itself. It's the emotional implications of the physical stuff.

Your husband has been hit with all the emotional trauma, without you having done the physical stuff. That means, he isnt going to be afraid/traumatised of having sex with you.... However, he is still traumatized as far as every other aspect of your relationship. Sex with you may be the only thing he can feel completely positive about, (or at least close to it). So that's probably why he's so up for that now

if I recall correctly, the assorted infidelity resources say that he may be be like this, slowly tapering off, for somewhere between 6 months to a year from initial shock, if you are patient and understanding with him.

Thanks Dom. As always, i appreciate your insight.